riyah

zip daesung ft tubatu thoughts

Fri, 10 Apr 2026 23:30:37 GMT

first content i’ve watched for this cb’s promo?? (actually scratch that i watched clips of the yeonbin divorce nvm) and omgggg i loved this. moons ago daesung was actually my bias… my first bias, in fact. before i got into exo and bts i was a bigbang and bap girlie… it feels weird seeing something 14-year-old riyah loved line up with 24-year-old riyah’s interests… she’s changed so much, yet apparently not that much, since she still fcking love this community.

also i’m trying to post more fandom-centric content since that was the original purpose of this journal, and ik i need to stop being negative and just have some fun.

( long ramblings ahead )

comments

Sat, 04 Apr 2026 09:43:55 GMT

( okayyy im done )

onto other kpop things bc i can’t apparently shut up now and tbh i’ve been semi checked out of hockey since olympicgate, so i’ve kinda crawled back into it, and i’m very excited for wishies and txt’s upcoming cbs.

out of all the concept photos that have come out for this txt album, my favorite is definitely “thorn,” which i’m so surprised to see falling last on everyone’s rankings… like what?? it’s so high fashion and editorial and i loooove the hair. i think my ranking of the concept photos is thorn-hunger-tension-anxiety (so basically in order of when they were released )

though txt's and my definition of extreme hairstyles and concepts is very different, cuz uhhh this all looked pretty tame ?? i was expecting spiky, fiery red mohawks or something.

and bc i just love torturing myself i’m still into an nct unit, so i’ve been watching wishies’ new series where they basically emulate singles inferno and it’s been cheering me up a bit. they’re really cranking it out too… the editors knew they had to cheer up czennies

sion and saku are so bby debut era sookai coded to me… like there was basically a play-by-play of that one dream ep where they were paired up in one room and both parties acted like they hated it as they hugged.

i just love eldest/leader + maknae dynamics !!

also the new diagram trend of people putting where they think a groups inspo (parents) come from and i finally found one where i agree with basically everything.. like, finally someone else sees nct wish are txt's children. my little whimsical stars.

sister is an infinite fan however, and she disagrees abt txt being their and shinee's love child sooo... but i see the vision and apparently others do too, so that's all that matters. (txt are also soooo 5sos coded)

comments

the feeling of not wanting to let go, yet wanting to let them go, is also love

Fri, 03 Apr 2026 23:02:58 GMT

now that i had a night’s rest and got to let it sink in just a bit more, i wanted to share more thoughts and feelings because i feel like my original post was just so kneejerk and almost… a bit selfish? like, how does this affect poor me? when in reality, he has sacrificed 10 years of his youth, never once taking a break (i think it’s been clarified he’s only missed 2 activities in all his years of being active), in 3, sometimes 4, different units, and has just grinded and has been overworked for so long. and for once, he’s finally chosen himself.

there’s this korean tweet i saw that was auto-translated as, “what on earth for? faith? family? self-realization? i’ve been constantly thinking about things like that, but seeing your handwritten letter, it hits me that you were a kid who really needed a ton of time to think about yourself, and you never got even a single moment of that time, so now you’ve decided to finally take it,” and i think the last part is also the conclusion i have come to myself.

i saw another reddit user say they think he realized he loved music but didn’t like being an idol. and to think he was just a mere teenager (16 years old) when he first signed that contract, with sm still having those infamous 10-year contracts while everyone else is at 7… did the boy from the mickey mouse club days realize what he was singing up for?

i hope he uses this time to travel around the world without a camera crew and sasaengs following his every move, that he tries new hobbies and new foods, etc., and just gets to be a guy in his 20s. which is crazy to think about...that he has been relentless working for over a decade, and yet he is only 26 years old.

time like this just makes me take a step back and realize i selfishly take these guys and the moments they give us so ungratefully and unappreciatively, just always thinking they will be around...but that’s not the case. we all grow. change is good.

this took a lot of bravery to do, and as much as i’m feeling so gutted, i’m also proud. and it’s just a strange feeling in this sphere, when idols usually leave under murky circumstances and are never to be mentioned again by group members, but this is clearly so different and amicable on all fronts. never have i witnessed an idol get this much open love and support from members and people in the industry. and the dreamies’ letters… jisung's....since when did that boy grow up and write so eloquently like this? my title is actually a line from his letter.

i believe everyone has their own precious life, and ultimately, choosing their path and walking it is up to each person. it's the same for me. i think anyone who has a dream encounters moments where they have to walk quietly toward the direction they believe in.

at first, i was upset, but knowing that person—knowing all the hard work he put in—even though i couldn't express it much, i want to cheer on the path of the hyung i truly loved from afar.

nothing lasts forever, but just as the wish for something to be eternal is love, i think the feeling of not wanting to let go, yet wanting to let them go, is also love.

…

i am letting go of one of the most beloved moments in my life. i take pride in having spent ten years that were more special and precious than anyone else's.

i’m seeing fan accounts that haven’t been active since 2020, you know… like it’s kind of brought everyone together. i even wrote a little message to an ex-oomf on tumblr, but on anon because i’m anxious, and she responded—even though she, funnily enough, also moved on to hockey and hasn’t been into kpop for more than a year.

i thought of her because she, too, loved that poem or late-night scribble that mark wrote in 2021, which has lines something like, “a boy who grew up with sharks does not need to be taught to swim. it comes naturally to him.” and i have always, always wanted to just poke his mind and, if i had the opportunity, ask him about it. and he even kind of brought it back in the recent letter with, “with the members i boarded the same ship with, we’ve made the best voyage over the past ten-plus years. and as someone who has always loved going into the water, now that i’m saying i want to swim, these are the members who are cheering on my deep dive—with love, no less.” (cr to soompi for translation)

if he ever does become an author, i’ll gladly buy whatever it is. if he does end up busking on the streets, whether it be in canada, america, or korea, I hope i, by chance, run into him and get to witness him in his element just one last time.

it's been a wonderful ~~long ass ride~~ journey mark lee <3

comments

breaking news for kpop enjoyers

Fri, 03 Apr 2026 08:26:59 GMT

( Read more... )

comments

03/18/26 riyah’s random thoughts and ramblings of the day

Thu, 19 Mar 2026 08:20:40 GMT

( Read more... )

comments

gotta go insane to stay sane

Sat, 07 Mar 2026 03:06:02 GMT

realizing that in order to get the courage to post my work, i probably need to stop interacting with fanfic authors all together but esp on reddit specifically. and like, yes, it’s reddit, so why should i care that a bunch of anonymous strangers downvoted my comment? but it does get under my skin and bother me. i already feel kind of isolated in this sphere, so i think it just hits that feeling even harder. especially because it’s always when i make a post just asking a question about etiquette, and i genuinely don’t see why people wouldn’t like it. it’s not like i’m being rude or saying some controversial opinion. all i did was ask what people would do if someone had published something very similar to a wip they’re currently writing. like… am i breaking some kind of unspoken rule?

i just never seem to agree with most of the users on there. a lot of their general dislikes—like fics in lowercase or long, purple-prose titles—are things i actually love and try to emulate in my own writing. maybe it’s because there aren’t many rpf writers there, and that was my introduction to fanfic. but for the most part, and i know i’m generalizing, i just don’t like the attitude on that subreddit. every time i try to contribute, i’m mostly left feeling… rejected and sad.

then i have the other problem where i don’t really feel like i fit in with kpop fic authors either, especially in my fandom. or well, maybe that was more true years ago. i don’t interact anymore, so maybe i could find a friend group if i tried. but right now it just feels like i’m this sad loser looking in from the outside.

so it’s like two different worlds i don’t fit into. i’m just this sad third thing.

comments

so sick of having no privacy :(

Thu, 05 Mar 2026 21:07:10 GMT

( Read more... )

comments

03/03/26 riyah’s random thoughts and ramblings of the day

Tue, 03 Mar 2026 05:54:00 GMT

( Read more... )

comments

fml

Mon, 02 Mar 2026 01:29:25 GMT

being a hypochondriac in such a dismissive family SUCKS! i scraped my ankle pretty hard on the metal frame of my bed, which is very old and probably dirty/rusty. it really hurt, but i did all the proper steps ie. washed it with soap, then hydrogen peroxide, and put on neosporin. so yeah, like, 99.9% chance i'm perfectly fine and just being paranoid. but what if, in the very 0.1% chance, i actually end up getting tetanus?

i think the last time i got my vaccine was in sixth grade?like the mandatory period when you have to get it entering middle school or something...so it’s been more than 10 years. sigh, i just want to get the shot to be safe rather than sorry, you know? i do not want to get lockjaw and just suffer because i put off a stupid vaccine.

the problem is i can’t drive, so i’m planning(want to) to ask my brother to drop me off at a minuteclinic tmrw or tuesday so i can just get a walk-in tdap shot. but my sister is already completely dismissing me, saying i should just wait and see if it gets worse.(but that's the whole point i wanna get it..i don't want it to get worse!!) and my brother is so much worse about this stuff...he’s just gonna wave me off and say, “i’m sure you’ll be fine.” just ughhhhh.

like i'm the one gonna be fucked and affected if everyone turns out wrong and i actually did get the infection!!! so, it's easy for them to act like i'm crazy and dismiss me.

i think it just hurts too since i never ever go to the doctor, so they should know how anxious i am about this, and that it’s taking so much out of me to push past my severe anxiety/agoraphobia to go to a stupid clinic in a city i’m not familiar with at all.

i really don’t wanna get laughed at… like, i know that i’m being so paranoid, but every time i google it, it’s like, “you should get the booster just in case,” and it just reminds me of rabies, which i went down a dreadful rabbit hole about years ago, and i do not want that!!

idk the more i look at it...maybe i'll save myself the embarrassment and not ask, as it really is a small scrape..i think i just am freaking out bc it hurt so much and that it broke skin a bit. but it's not a deep puncture wound or anything. i need to chill out.

comments

03/01/26

Mon, 02 Mar 2026 01:05:56 GMT

yesterday was a bit better than the last few days. though i did make an entry about hating angry men, which still stands, but then #he was nice to me and i felt guilty for venting, so i privated it. anyways, i went out for a bit and got ding tea afterwards. so it really does prove that exposure therapy works, and getting sun and doing things to keep your mind preoccupied work. i hate that. although whenever i do something, i think about my dad and start tearing up. like when we got boba, i was just thinking about the last time we did that together... sharing a large mango slush, and it suddenly hits that i’ll never do that again, and i’m just surrounded by people who still have their parents.

so anything positive i feel is quickly derailed with grief, but isn’t that how it works?

we basically just window-shopped and then got the boba and taiwanese popcorn chicken, which my sister had really been wanting to try, so it was a nice opportunity and made her happy! though i’m the only one who could take the heat (i think she just got medium spice, and it really wasn’t that hot, but everyone else disagreed. maybe eating a bunch of buldak flavors has upped my spice tolerance).

i also got a new flavor, as i’m trying to do that any time i stop by a tea place, and i got winter melon. although i got nervous ordering and forgot to add milk, so it was just plain tea. i liked it, but it didn’t taste like any of the reviews i read. it wasn’t that sweet where it’s sickening, and it just tasted like taro to me? like a nutty vanilla. i didn’t get any graham cracker like the reddit users said. maybe because it wasn’t milk tea?

here’s my ding tea and uno tea house drink ranking (not that anyone cares):

s tier: honeydew, fresh strawberry milk

a tier: thai tea, classic milk tea, hokkaido coffee slush

b tier: strawberry yakult slush (too tangy), taro milk tea (sometimes it’s really good, other times bad... depends on the place and the person making it), winter melon tea, mango slush (not the biggest mango fan)

c tier: anything matcha (just not a fan)

brother also kind of cleared out the garage and redid the little workout section. i’m thinking about using it when he’s at work on weekdays, as i really need to start treating my body better and tone up. it’s funny that i’m seen as the “strong one” ( that’s what being a tall girl gets you in my family) but i think my younger sister is stronger than me nowadays. i couldn’t even move the bar the slightest, and it only had 50 pounds altogether. i low-key think i strained myself just from doing that, because my front ribs are sore whenever i move a certain way, so that’s not good.

comments

thoughts

Thu, 26 Feb 2026 00:34:00 GMT

( thoughts and feelings abt the recent usa mens hockey debacle )

comments

electrified

Mon, 23 Feb 2026 01:19:05 GMT

today has been electric!! first of all USA HOCKEY DO OR DIE!!!! they won gold and of course it was jhuges’ goal!! which he sacrificed teeth for… i’m mad at myself for not waking up at 5am and instead waking up at 1pm (yeah… but in my defense everyone in the house was up till like 3 bc we had a bbq) and so i had to just live vicariously off people celebrating in real time on the tl. but still oh my god so happy and i of course missed txt dream week content. MY FAMILIES

i’m really so happy and pumped and low-key feeling some semblance of patriotism for the first time. it just shows how much of a melting pot this country is and how that’s our biggest strength...as the captain of the us team is mexican american, the game-winning ot scorer is jewish american, and the goaltender is slavic american. like how cool is that?

how much of a goosebump feeling must it have been for jack and quinn hughes?? to achieve this with your brother. there’s this letter going around from before j hughes was even on the devils where they asked him to write to his future self and like… just ~~read it!?~~ the fact he’s achieved all of this… the pictures and videos of them hugging, draped under one flag, and quinn using this as an excuse to be real about his thoughts on all the scrutiny jack has been under this year from the beat reporters. like that’s big brother!!

i’m just so happy and feel electrified. also they are both so white girl wasted but esp quinn, spamming his insta stories the entire day and night, and i feel like again i’m living vicariously through him as i don’t drink but the feeling is the same!

(edit: ok i wrote all of this earlier in the day when i was still running on adrenaline from finding out we won but now all the clips of them partying it up with patel have surfaced…i am no longer feeling patriotic or proud...idk why i'm even surprised, or thought they might be different, when they've proved that they really are just rich white men at the end of the day (even if they are more progressive on other stances)...i kinda wanna delete the prev paragraphs as that's embarrassing...i only feel proud of the women's us team and alysa liu )

now onto txt content… the letters to each other. yeonjun’s to kai’s… that’s his bby! like actually i’m not even being parasocial and looking too much into things for once as yj said it himself!! me and him are never putting that grown ass man down.

and the tyunningism!! love that taehyun says he observes and studies kai like it’s national geographic bc same. i too look at all his mannerisms and catalogue them in my kai-obsessed brain.

and his letter to kai… it has the same parallels to the 2021 birthday letter which low-key made me cry. he loves his best friend so much and just wants kai to be happy. and he is so sweet that it even made my self-proclaimed tyun disliker sister like him! obviously a joke but i think she was just put off by his interview responses in 2020 and it’s just like an inside running joke that she has beef with him. but even she can’t deny how sweet and cutiepie he is.

also sorry, i generally try to take a more professional(?) approach on here for whatever psychological reasons and not talk like the average stan twt acc, but i’m (or should say was) so happy and ecstatic that i can’t help but gush.

i also wanna say a lot more and go more into detail about all the letters to each other, but to be honest my mood has soured a lot since i first started working on this. i’ve been interrupted every single time my fingers started dancing on the keyboard, and this is starting to feel like a chore i just wanna check off yk. i think i’ll just make a separate continuation post about tubatu as moa week progresses and when i’m in a better mood like i was at the beginning of this post :)

anyways i love my tubatus…

comments

02/17/26 riyah’s random thoughts and ramblings of the day

Wed, 18 Feb 2026 01:49:18 GMT

( Read more... )

comments

02/11/26 riyah’s random thoughts and ramblings of the day

Thu, 12 Feb 2026 04:30:16 GMT

( Read more... )

comments

01/28/26 riyah’s random thoughts and ramblings of the day

Thu, 29 Jan 2026 22:19:42 GMT

( Read more... )

comments

01/18/26 riyah’s random thoughts and ramblings of the day

Sun, 18 Jan 2026 02:07:03 GMT

haven't done a public diary entry like this in a while (at least by my standards), so let's get the recap started. hmmm. i just finished up all the gift cards i was gifted during christmas. got some nice shoes from vans with the purpose of walking/hiking, even if they're technically meant for skateboarding. got some treats for my cats and finally some toothpaste so i can brush their teeth regularly. every time we went to the vet they made a comment abt one of them having tartar, so i wanted to fix that. brother, on the other hand, doesn’t really “believe in” it, so i was waiting until i had enough money to do a bigger order on chewy. i also got some dashi inaba as their birthday gift… though i opened it and gave it to them two days early. oops. i couldn’t help it. istg they know when a package is for them because they all gathered around and pestered me while i opened it.

hmm, i also got some stuff from ulta. i picked up a cosrx prepping skin care kit and i already want big bottles of everything. idk, it’s just nice having a nighttime skincare routine, yk. i already feel way more motivated to take better care of myself in general, like the rest of me should match how good my skin is starting to look.

sister got verb ghost shampoo and conditioner, and i think i’m gonna steal some when i shower in a bit. i don’t think i’ve talked abt it publicly, but i’ve really been struggling with hair issues, mainly thinning and loss. she keeps saying it’s for fine hair, so maybe it’ll help my hair not sit so flat on my head? idk. what i really need is minoxidil, i think, but my sister discourages me since she says it’s not that bad. i just don’t want to wait until i’m crying every single day looking at it before i treat it, yk. i’m also really hoping it’s stress-related hair loss from what happened last april, so maybe it’ll come back. but i’m still stressed every single day, so…

i talked abt this in a previous entry, but it’s been so hot lately and it’s really confusing my brain. i already have no real perception of time, and now i keep thinking it’s summer even though we literally just started the new year. it makes me want to go to a swimming pool and eat sandwiches and chips afterward.

i started yellowjackets last night and i’m really enjoying it. tbh, a year or two ago i watched reactions to the first couple of episodes since that’s usually how i “watch” shows i don’t have access to. i was worried i wouldn’t like it since i had technically already seen parts of it, but luckily my memory is basically non-existent, so everything still feels like a surprise. i think i’m on ep 5. i started late last night and got so sucked in that before i knew it, it was 5 in the morning and i was still watching. didn’t get much sleep, but i can only blame myself.

also, i've been spending an absurd amt of time on pinterest making boards for my aus. i find it really motivating for finishing them..idk, kind of the way music is for other people. it's honestly so fun picking the atmosphere and imagining what the characters look like. i'm having especially a lot of fun with the sorority au.

here's my vent of the week, i guess. i think i just stupidly realized that a discord friend blocked me. i thought they had just moved to a different acc or gone inactive, but i finally logged in after months and when i checked our messages there was that yellow exclamation mark disclaimer that i can't view their profile, badges, or about me. i even sent a friend request just to be sure, and it said it couldn't go through. i can't react to my messages or theirs either, it just disappears immediately. so yeah, all signs point to them blocking me.

they probably did it months ago, back when i assumed they just weren't active, which makes me feel a little embarrassed for only noticing now. i'm trying not to let it hurt my feelings, but it does, even though it was probably for the best for both of us. i don't think we were ever the same after they came into my dms with a policing attitude a couple years ago over something i had rtd.

idk, it's just really mortifying to be upfront that i think i'm so deprived of connections with anyone outside of my family( who regularly hurt me) that i keep embarrassing myself by pathetically hoping someone who was clearly done with me, and who hadn't really cherished our friendship even a year before this, would still have semi-good feelings toward me. or at least not block me. but that's their right, like my siblings would say.

but there are also two sides to every “argument,” and i’m sure i’m not blameless in their story. i know i can be too needy and talk too much about my own problems, and like they said, i gave them stress. and i probably wasn’t the best person to talk to when my dad’s health started declining in 2023. i can recognize that it changed me and made me harder to be around, so now that he’s gone, it’s probably for the better that they don’t talk to me anymore.

i think what really gets me is that it feels like the end of an era. we originally started talking when i ran a bts instagram acc, back when i was still in high school, back when i had my own home and my grandpa, dog, and dad were still alive. everything from that time in my life has come to an end. even internet friends.

comments

feel like summer and i don't wanna miss you

Thu, 15 Jan 2026 22:04:09 GMT

it’s getting hotter. the sun wakes me up most days now, since my window curtain is so sheer it lets the light peek right through. i honestly kind of like it, even if it’s annoying. and it seems that since what happened, i find summer days more enjoyable. they bring me back to childhood memories, remind me of the past, and let me pretend, even just for a moment, that i’m eight again in palm springs.

i feel like this wouldn’t be obvious if you’ve seen my posts talking about summer, but i used to hate it as a kid and, well, until last year. i already run way too hot, and i hate being sweaty. it’s uncomfortable. i think i was always too aware that school was coming soon, so i could never really enjoy summer vacation, you know? and in my teen years, i stopped playing outside and making friends and just sank into my phone like the rest of my generation.

but now, when i think of summer, it’s just bittersweet. it reminds me of my dad. he loved summer. hated winter. he always wanted to go to the beach, and we did when i was little, but once i turned thirteen and became more aware of my body, i refused most times. i have a lot of regret about that. i have so many regrets.

i think the last time we went to the beach together was the day before he had his stroke in 2023. we went to baby beach in dana point, and i saw sea lions and white squirrels. now i understand why, but at the time my dad was so weak and wasn’t up for walking, so he stood by the grassy pathway and fished while my sister and i walked around and explored. i wish i could go back in time, see the signs, take him to the hospital, and then, when he got better, we could go back so he could see it with us.

he also had this little joke he always teased out loud when we were walking to the horse ring in my neighborhood as kids. i was born in the summer, like him, and my sister was born in december. so he’d always say i controlled the weather when it was sunny, and my sister controlled it when it turned dark and rainy. he’d tease that i needed to add some clouds, or that my sister needed to stop with the rain. i can’t remember when we outgrew that joke. i miss it. i wish i could hear it again just once.

it’s only the middle of january and it’s in the high 80s, and it’s making me think it’s summer. i want to eat ceviche and have summer bbqs with my older sisters, my older nieces, and my grandpa. i want to go down the steps into my backyard and run around with lexie again.

i want so many things.
and they’ll never happen again.

comments

lh43 thoughts

Thu, 08 Jan 2026 00:10:56 GMT

i was kinda spurred to write this from all the recent talk abt him since signing his contract and getting his big boy money, and this is probably better suited for the tumblr audience, but i kinda already went over why i dont think ill be using it… or maybe ill say eff it and crosspost. idk, who cares.

and this is so parasocial and me reading way too deep into things in the mind of a baby defenseman, so if this is not your cup of tea… sorry.

but like, i really cant imagine what it must be like to be luke hughes, the brother of elite hockey players who made it to the olympic team, jack and quinn hughes, because thats how people are acting. like, for you to always be brought up in trade conversations, etc., as an afterthought, always seen as that annoying snot lil kid brother that gets dragged along with his big brothers because they have to (obvs not my thoughts… i love lukey. but thats how it feels like everyones treating him).

always in the shadow of your older brothers, they are your standard… like, not to bring kpop into this, but i have to mesh my interests together, and the parallels of txt rookie days to rookie luke hughes. whats the bang shi hyuk quote?

"people may think that txt got really lucky and had an easy path, but they carry the burden of meeting expectations that were already set. rookies usually have a chance to grow and shine while they’re still rookies, but txt started on a higher level, so it’s harder to showcase growth."

because yeah… almost the exact same scenario. always held to a double-edged sword standard because of the last name on your jersey. the nepo baby conversation, the recent discussions about how he’s being coddled by the coach and gm because they want to cater to the hughes brothers, but also the ridiculous expectations and the hate boner people have for them. his own fans can’t wait for him to fail, and they’ll be the first to laugh, point, and say “i told you so” before thinking of picking him back up.

that when you first dreamed of playing with your brothers and making it to the nhl, you guys were nobodies. it was just quinn hughes and jack hughes—your big brothers who you shot minsticks with in the basement—not quinn and jack hughes the hockey players. fast forward, and now your oldest brother, quinn, was the captain of the canucks, a norris trophy winner, and seen as one of the top two defensemen in the league—the biggest trade of the year, the player every single team wanted. your middle brother, jack, drafted first overall, is the franchise star, who played in four nations and is now on the olympic roster.

never mind your own accomplishments — breaking records at umich, being named alternate captain your sophomore year, becoming a third finalist for the calder trophy. none of it matters when you’re never seen as your own person, only as a comparison to how good your older brothers were at your age, always measured against names that was never yours to begin with.

comments

parallels between sports fans and k-pop stans

Tue, 06 Jan 2026 01:50:33 GMT

something about both industries... beloved upcoming stars can have everything turn on them overnight. one night you’re cheered for, the next you’re public enemy number one. the emotional whiplash, being held to extreme standards, every mistake amplified… no ordinary person is ever held to that.

( ramble on booing inident )

comments

2026 goals, hopes, and delusions

Sat, 03 Jan 2026 04:27:37 GMT

original publish date: 1/02/26

(edit from future me: ok rereading this, i’m being so defensive from the start—sorry. i feel like that vid of xiaojun quickly standing up and defending, with all of his chest, why he likes mint choclate ice cream, and the rest of nct (aka not wayv members) are all like “i like that too…” “people can like that….” and he just deflates shyly when he realizes he doesn’t have to fight for his life. all that to say, i’m so defensive over this because of how my family has treated me over it, but i want to think others would be more understanding, especially gen z’s…)

debating whether to even do this because most of this stuff is very unrealistic (at least in my current pov w current mental state), and also i'm gonna be very upfront with how behind i am in life and just how behind i am compared to my peers. it's mortifying/embarrassing and i know that. i've been shamed for it ever since becoming an adult and, ultimately, it’s all my fault and doing...

also, on the topic of manifesting… i have such complicated feelings because i've been doing that since 2020 without even realizing that's what it was. and i guess i'm still doing it now, just through maladaptive daydreaming about a different version of myself and my life. it's been my coping mechanism since being in this living environment, and i'm aware it’s not healthy.

i think the other part is that i just don't believe in manifesting anymore, because that's all i did for my dad's health. and yes, reading that back is insane, and you could probably write a whole field study on how unhealthy my coping mechanisms are, but when his health declined in ’23, all i would do was make wishes at angel numbers (11:11) and wish for him to be okay. i would write “dad will be okay” 50 times in a row in my notebook whenever he wasn’t feeling well. yeah… that clearly didn’t fucking work. none of my prayers worked. nothing i did worked. so it’s like… i don’t believe in it anymore.

also, funny talking about manifestation, because for 2025 i actually listened to as you wish by wjsn right when the clock struck 12 so it could “set” my year. and was i ever so lucky?? so i didn’t even bother doing a song for this year. i think i was watching hockey videos when it became the new year… so whatever that means.

major things i need to do this year:

get seen for severe social anxiety and agoraphobia (and possible avpd). basically just get the courage to call the place and be evaluated, even though i’ve put it off for years because of the exact problems that make me need to go in the first place… but i can’t ignore it anymore.
get my license. this one is harder just logistically. maybe ask A for help privately, because without a license or a car to myself how am i even supposed to get to the dmv and practice?… i’m so scared, but i’m hoping it'll get easier once i start and maybe i'll even end up enjoying it. it’s hell relying on other people and ubers for everything, and ubers are a huge reason i never leave the house. i’ve had bad encounters, and i think it's part as to why i developed agoraphobia... i feel so helpless during the pickup, just waiting outside by myself with no “safe space” (car) to hide in when shit happens.
get income again. self-explanatory, but i kinda need to do the steps above first so i actually have a way to get to work. do you see my problem? it’s hard to find work when you don’t have transportation, but it’s hard to get transportation when you don’t have money. and i don’t live in a walkable or good public transit city like MA or NY…

hopes/delusions:

100% independent in all ways. like obvs financially and etc., but also emotionally. stop relying on others and holding myself back because of them. make myself my first priority for once in my life, because right now i’m really all i’ve got. i have no one to fall back on or for help. and no one can throw their help in my face during arguments and berate me for it, if I don't have it.

save, save, save. will be so unrealistic to think i can move in a year, but i want to make it my mission to save as much as humanly possible so i could hopefully peace out by late 2027 at least.

be a more confident person. kinda goes back to the first hope, but with a fake-it-till-you-make-it mindset. i guess kind of like manifestation... go into every scenario and situation thinking “i’m the best person for this,” etc., aka how lady gaga manifested her career.

start doing nice things for myself. aka treat myself, buy things!! get a cute purse, get that iced coffee syrup, save for a concert. just… live. semi contradicts the saving want from above, but uhmmm ill figure something out

physical/health goals:

new hair! cut it off and dye it (current fixation: black cherry or cool-toned cherry brown). i just need to do something with this decade-long hair that has no life..

have style. just any style pls… (acubi, shabby chic, casual chic, etc.)
get healthier, i.e. increase fiber intake and walk 10k steps
attempt at being vegetarian at least for one full week (no exceptions!). i’ve been wanting to do this since freelee banana girl scared me when i was like 11, and i almost did it last week because there was absolutely nothing in the fridge and pantry, but i ruined it by eating a chicken sausage

fic goals:

publish one fic!! even if you have to do it on anon, like jesus christ
- danny cho character study
- san jose yeonkai
- beomkai rock band
- txt 1d inspo
- hughes vs hughes
- sorority fic

post drabbles or brain rots on here

stop caring if it’s good or bad or who will like it. i’m not making any income off this, so just go at it. who cares if user cbgyufatass doesn’t like the characterization??

oc fic
- small town romance wip

comments

goodbye 2025... i hope to never experience this pain again

Fri, 02 Jan 2026 23:40:39 GMT

tw//: brief and vague reference to eating disorder and death

wanting to do a 2025 recap and a 2026 goals post, but i just find myself annoyingly saying “my father died” in response to every question, and no one wants to read something that’s completely nihilistic. i did find an old little thing i wrote about a month before he passed, though. i was writing about how i changed in 2025, and it definitely had a way more hopeful tone. i remember writing it because i had visited my oldest sister a little before that (before all the fights) for the first time since i was 13, and met up with my nieces (cousins). and whenever i meet with them, it really kicks in that i should probably try harder and better my life and actually start living, because why is the 18-year-old already way more accomplished than me, and i’m such a lewser compared to the both of them

.

and well, with what happened after, none of that happened, and if anything i regressed a lot in progress. i also wrote this on tumblr, since i was originally planning on using it as my new vent twt/ public diary, but then i remembered the login info for here and i’ve just been consistently using this instead. i’m kind of glad, too, because i found out a couple months later that my younger sister had been stalking my tumblr, despite me lying and saying i didn’t have an account lol. so yeah, there’s probably going to be a time soon where she finds this, and i really should put all posts on access list, but i don’t know... i like it being public.

like i’m not even trying to be so annoyingly depressive, but i legit can’t think of a single good moment that stuck out in 2025 for me. really, the day the la fires started is the same day my dad was admitted to the hospital, where i was basically told he wouldn’t make it through the night. but he did. he actually got better and was soon put into a care facility, but then things just kept going up and down. he had so many procedures done without them even telling us, and then at the end of april he had to be admitted to a shitty hospital — not his regular one — and as soon as they removed him from icu into med surge, he went downhill. there are so many what ifs if he had just been admitted to his good hospital instead of that one, but i can’t let that question haunt me even more than it already has.

anyways, i’m really trying not to be so negative, but i just don’t have a simple good thing to say about this year, besides that i’m thankful i still have my cats. they’ll be turning 11 on january 17/19 (i can never remember which one, but i’m pretty sure it’s the first date), and they’re as healthy as they can be. well, one of them has been sick with digestive issues since 2024, but no vet has found the problem or cause, so i’ve just been doing what i’ve figured out works, and he’s still strong. i’m thankful to still have them in my life, that i’ve had them since i was a freshman in high school, and that they’re basically the only things tying me to my old life — to my childhood home, to my past with grandpa, and now dad.

addressing the points now, hockey. still am very into it. actually, just yesterday my sister was all, “why the hell are you still into it?” because it is just so random and kinda unlike me, as i have never cared for sports a day of my life. ok, lie—actually, in 6th grade i had the biggest crush on this guy keith, and he was a lil soccer star/semi prodigy at that age. i should really look him up because i would not be surprised if he played professionally. anyways, i’d try to play soccer at recess because of him, but gave up after like two times because i am that kid who is afraid of the ball and moves away from it rather than toward it, so…

anyways, i honestly think the biggest reason i’m into it (which, another side note: i believe i discussed this in a fandom evolution thing i wrote up ages ago that i never ended up publicizing… i should post it) is that i really got into—and still am embarrassed to admit is the reason why—the stan twt culture. sue me. though this is for a private rant because i think my thoughts would upset people, and i’m aware it’s so gatekeepy, ~~but i do not like the behavior the people in the hr fandom are already emanating …~~

anyways, i stumbled across hughes brothers twt, and the users are so funny (just the girls and gays… not the straight men ewww), and it just felt nice to be a part of a fandom other than kpop. i’ve been into kpop since 2015, and before that it was one direction and 5sos. this is my first fandom that’s not a band. well, can i even call it a fandom? just a community, i guess. that’s a better word.

and i just loooove sibling dynamics, so imagine my intrigue when i found out there are three brothers in the nhl, two of them being on the same team!! and it has honestly made me like the sport, though i don’t think i’ll ever be the type to watch every single game and scream at the tv about it. like, i do lurk on game threads on the devils subreddit, and most of the time i’m just like… can you guys calm down? i just don’t understand wasting so much energy being so angry and insultive because your team isn’t doing well. isn’t this supposed to be a fun hobby?

maybe this is why i vibe with the baby sharks more, because the team was kinda terrible last season, but the vibes were so fun!!! and go calif! though its norcal...technically i should be rooting for the la kings and the ducks given my location...

now onto consuming less txt content. this is true, but i’m still very infatuated with them and very updated through twt. like, i think when i wrote that it gave the vibe that i was slowly, kinda unstanning, and that couldn’t be further from the case. i’m just not up-to-date on their videos, since i still haven’t watched todo… and i don’t really watch live streams, because i just watch clips on twt, besides the ones that seem really funny or cute.

but they are my youth, and for a brief moment i was seriously considering getting a tattoo commemorating the concept trailer for the tomorrow album… but i am so indecisive, and like, what if, god forbid, one of them actually ends up being a terrible person and i just have something permanent on my body linked to them. also, my dad hates tattoos, so i still want to respect his wishes. i don’t think i’ll ever do it… at least not now.

other point… uhm, well, not to get all personal, but fck it, i already am lol, i did relapse... just the opposite way. that one mitski lyric really just describes my journey with this since adolescence… i’ve been big and small and big and small and big and small again.

i can’t even do cute stats since i’ve published zero fics in like the past 8 yrs or so… i think the last public fic was 2018?? though it was a crack group chat mimic au, so i don’t even really count it. the last actually good fic was 2016… i could do a wip stats update, tho i don’t know how to code so it won’t look pretty.

in my closed collections on ao3, i have 24 works in total across 16 different fandoms… though one of them i just put question marks in place because i couldn’t decide who i wanted to be in the crossover. all range from 2% done to about 60%. i really should just finish the ones i’ve been wanting to since the pandemic era, but my writing is just so different compared to now (in some ways… better), and also i think i’m just scared to put myself out there with them.

comments

dancing stars

Thu, 01 Jan 2026 04:51:09 GMT

cr:plantbasedsav for this beautiful artwork that everyone correlates to txt (and to a lesser degree nct wish) now

riyah

zip daesung ft tubatu thoughts

the feeling of not wanting to let go, yet wanting to let them go, is also love

breaking news for kpop enjoyers

03/18/26 riyah’s random thoughts and ramblings of the day

gotta go insane to stay sane

so sick of having no privacy :(

03/03/26 riyah’s random thoughts and ramblings of the day

fml

03/01/26

thoughts

electrified

02/17/26 riyah’s random thoughts and ramblings of the day

02/11/26 riyah’s random thoughts and ramblings of the day

01/28/26 riyah’s random thoughts and ramblings of the day

01/18/26 riyah’s random thoughts and ramblings of the day

feel like summer and i don't wanna miss you

lh43 thoughts

parallels between sports fans and k-pop stans

2026 goals, hopes, and delusions

goodbye 2025... i hope to never experience this pain again

dancing stars

christmas eve

songs i want tubatu to cover

this week's thoughts