nothing to celebrate

 today is going to be hard. my brother always goes all out for the 4th of july and today is no different. he’s invited a bunch of people over and is making food and cocktails for them. i’ve always hated this. i usually just go to my room and don’t socialize. and honestly, looking back, maybe that's rude… but i don’t know any of these people. they’re all my brother’s in-laws or work friends. strangers to me. no connection.

and they get so drunk. drunk people, especially men, make me deeply uncomfortable and anxious. the first few years here, i was convinced i had developed a phobia of drunk men. that’s how much dread i felt just being around them. i guess i’ve gotten a little better now. if i just try to ignore them.

but i know my brother will get all pissy and guilt trip me into going outside to see the fireworks. which i hate, by the way. i’ve never liked them. too loud, they smell terrible, and i can’t help but think, what could go wrong with a bunch of drunk idiots lighting things on fire.

and then there's the pressure to drink. that started the second i turned 18. i’ll never forget my older sister saying she wanted me to drink with her because then we’d have something in common. like… okay. if that’s the only way we can connect, what does that say about you?

sometimes i really think they just hate who i am. my personality. i need to accept that. and i don’t think there’s anything wrong with me. not even with this. not liking strangers over. they act like it must be because of something our dad did, but no. i think, at our core, my dad and i were just the same. he was private, reserved, someone who loved his own space. and so am i. i wish they could accept that. instead of giving me these condescending lectures where they tell my life story back at me and go on and on about how my dad didn’t raise me right, maybe they could just understand that it was different — not worse, just different from how they were raised. and that’s okay. my dad and i speak the same language, but instead of recognizing that, they just berate it. like there’s something fundamentally wrong with us for being introverted and shy, unlike them. like there’s only one way to be, and it’s theirs.

and honestly, i’m not happy. there’s nothing to celebrate in my life right now. my dad is gone. this is the first holiday without him. in a couple of weeks, it’ll be my birthday. then it’ll be his. and i’m pretty sure i just got cut off my insurance because of the "big beautiful bill" that was signed today. but i think i’m too numb to even care anymore.

like, okay. just kick me while i’m already down.