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childhood memories. the one halloween when my sister and i played in the living room all day, and my dad and grandpa photographed us nonstop. i was a witch, and my sister was the blue monster from monsters inc.... sulley? i don’t know why i remember this so clearly, why it sticks with me. it wasn’t anything extraordinary, but it felt special. i wasn’t shy in front of the camera. i felt free. the love coming out of my dad and grandpa’s eyes so apparent. for once, i didn’t question it. i must’ve been 7 or 8, but the memory’s still there, vivid, like it was yesterday.

going to my older brother's townhome complex just to sneak into his community pool. i usually hated it when it was crowded, but there was one summer day when it was the fullest i’d ever seen it, and yet it’s the day i’m most fond of. i made friends with the local kids... lied that i lived there, too. pretending to be someone else. it was easy to talk to them.

donut holes with our dad every saturday. i always got a strawberry milk, and my little sister chocolate. always opposites of each other.

the trips to huntington beach in the summer... getting sprayed down with cold water at the shower stands. my dad caring for me, washing off the sand, making me feel protected, loved. mcdonald's on the way home, always the happy meals. mine was a hamburger with everything, because i loved the onions, even though i hated the mustard and pickles. my sister got chicken nuggets or a plain cheeseburger.

kidzbop cds. so many of them. they filled the door compartments on all four seats. we played them on the way to the beach and school. sos and with love on repeat.

the weekends spent with my cousins. one of them my exact age, the other a little younger than my sister. it felt like we were always meant to be close, like i’d been born with a friend already. me and lexie would make potions out of orange juice, dish soap, and whatever else we could get our tiny, grubby hands on, then spray them on every plant we could find in the backyard. "we’re healing them," we’d laugh.

the walks around my neighborhood. eating a family-sized bag of hot cheetos because, in the naivety that only a child could have, we got it in our heads—based on the ads on the bag—that we’d get $1,000 if we ate the entire thing in one sitting. our tongues and fingers stained bright, fiery red. mouths burning. but content. laughter filling the air.

the smell of charcoal and bbq that always reminded me of the beach. going down those concrete steps at the side of my house to see what my dad or brother was grilling. peeling piping-hot potatoes for grandpa's salad. my older sister danielle helping me... our hands bright pink, mine shaking from the burn, but hers never faltered. her hands had been hardened by years of doing this for us, the heat never fazing her. all out of love.

washing dishes for my grandpa. grabbing all my hand-me-down barbie dolls and pretending they had mermaid tails, throwing them into the sudsy water.

it all felt so endless back then. i didn’t realize i’d spend the rest of my life looking back, yearning, mourning—just for one more moment like that. just one more.

Current Mood: reminiscing
Current Location: im back in my childhood bedroom..for just one more time
Current Music: dreamer acoustic ver

I feel like there are two versions of me—a me before my dad got sick and a me after. And it happened in 5th grade. I used to be talkative. Still really shy—I hid when family came over, cried in kindergarten longer than the other kids, stayed quiet around adults, always cautious. But I was still more alive than I am now.

I had childhood best friends. We were just in elementary school, but it felt like we were already teenagers. Sleepovers every weekend. Sneaking outside at night. Ditching school. We had those stupid, messy three-way friendship fights, and I was always in the middle—the messenger. I had friends in school. I hung out with my cousins every single weekend. I did the talent show. I raised my hand to present first just to get it over with. I sang so loud and proudly during those holiday performances. I was good in class but still loud sometimes. I wasn’t afraid to take up space.

Then my dad got sick in 5th grade. And I think something in me just... shut off. I stopped connecting with people. I started hiding, not just from family but from everyone. I self-isolated without even knowing what that was. I just... stopped talking. Then middle school came, and I was truly alone. And I’ve been alone ever since. Friendless. A Loner. Stuck inside my own head with this awful, debilitating social anxiety.

I want the old me back. I forgot I was even like that. It feels like another lifetime, like a version of me that never even existed. How pathetic is it that my goal in life is to be like my childhood self in my 20s? I miss her. I want to go back. Oh, I want to go back. Please, let me go back.

Current Mood: yearning for the past
Current Music: deja vu by txt

tw// drugs, mention of death, just overall unpleasant feelings

ah will you look at that, another diary entry bc my life is complete shit rn. i promise i'll actually get to writing a story...just when im in a better place mentally and literally.

since i am treating this site as a public diary (though I'm 99% sure no one has even come across this) might as well go into the nitty-gritty details of my life. i will probably—no most definitely— regret bearing my broken soul to strangers on the internet, but currently, i could care less. at this point in my life, i will just straight-up sob in public. i have gone past caring or frankly giving a fuck.

ok that's enough of an intro. let's just go right in what aspired the past month and why im honestly halfway into the grave. that comes off jokingly but with coping humor, there’s always truth behind it.

my father has A LOT of health issues. so that's why its not that strange for him to end up in the hospital for a couple of days every year or so. and well that happened again this month. but something about this time...just was different. made me more anxious, more scared. maybe because of covid or maybe it was just the ptsd of the last time my family member was in the hospital they ended up dying. i just know i was freaking tf out even though I tried to not show it. i guess i didn't do a good enough job of that because my older brother seemed to notice and started looking out for me more. i.e. making sure i eat, texting to check up when he’s at work, comforting me with "he’s going to be okay" speeches. what a lovely brother, right?

now back to my dad. he was in the hospital for about 6 days—turns out he was bleeding internally—and he finally gets to come home at 2 or 3 in the morning. and well that joy and relief quickly left because i woke up hours later to screaming and banging.

turns out all the while my dearest brother was playing the "nice and supportive" older brother role. he drove all the way to my dad's hospital, found his car in the parking lot and proceeded to break open the glove box and steal my dad's prescription medicine. medicine that my father needs to fucking live.

and when presented with this, what does he do? he gets right in my dad's face and tells him to "gtf outta my house" before punching a wall because oh hes a manly man.

i told my dad to file a police report because i don't care whether he’s "blood" or not, he needs to be punished for that. i mean, that's a fucking felony. but my dad is refusing too and the doctors won’t give him a refill so looks like im just going to have to wait for him to end up being in the fucking hospital on the verge of a heart attack to get it. so yeah. that's one stressor.

and then back to my brother. he had decided to just give my dad, my sister, and i the silent treatment because somehow we're the people in the wrong here. won’t even apologize or anything. though he didn't deny it either so...

as you can imagine the atmosphere of the house is hmmm how do you say?? tense, livid, awkward, anxious, and just a hint of sadness. and to think most of those emotions are coming straight from me. my brother doesn't even have the decency to act ashamed. he’s just going about his freaking businesses without a care.

and that's why im moving :) with no plan nor money and two cats and in the middle of a pandemic. it's just fantastic !!

and then number 3 stressor because life was like hey see this girl who is laying in the middle of the street after getting hit by a semi, yeah let's just throw something out of the sky on top of her for good measure. my brother came into contact with someone who has covid —and a very bad case might i add—and now there is a high possibility my at high-risk dad has it. but you know what my brother clearly doesn't care about my dads life so im not that surprised.

so my life is just freaking peachy.

i seriously can’t handle one more setback. and i don’t know what I'll do when my dad has a fucking heart attack because my selfish drug addict of a brother took all 20 fucking pills of his medicine.

I know other people have it far worse. I know that—trust me. ive been telling myself all week "at least you have pets. at least you have running water. at least you haven't been physically harmed ". but im just a week person. this is all too much for me to handle. all too fast; all happening at once. i can't.

i have bad anxiety generally. but for the first time i was physically sick from it. i spent 10 minutes dry heaving in the car on the morning of the "fight" or whatever tf you call it. i feel like im going to pass out and feeling this unwell at this time is no bueno because now im worrying these might be symptoms of covid.

so yeah im not sure where to close this off at. i wish I could just be like "oh my brother tested negative! my dad got a refill and i have a permanent place to live!!" but that will most likely not happen. but hey, since imo life has been shit to me since 4 yrs old with constant bad news maybe the whatever you believe in will take pity on me and make things easier. but I doubt it.

anyways i guess this is goodbye. if my dad does somehow get the medicine without having a health emergency maybe i can focus on writing bc i am currently in 3 major brainrots.

and if he doesn't...well I don’t know what ill do.

Current Mood: stressed

do you know those off days? when you wake up and immediately feel wrong and out of place. when you’re on the brink of tears the whole day for absolutely no reason, no reason to be this upset. because that was my day today.

it started as soon as i woke up around 10:00 am...going into the kitchen to make my morning coffee and maybe grab a light snack. i just felt sad and i mean that's not very unusual for me, but this feeling was just different. more intense. everything and anything was aggravating this emotion. going on twtiter, youtube, netflix, even here. all the platforms i use to get away and feel just a hint of happiness were now doing the exact opposite.

anyway, i spent the entire day with this feeling and i couldn't put my finger on exactly what it was until at night.

it's loneliness. i'm fucking lonely.

and it’s not very difficult to imagine why. i pretty much ghosted everyone for the past year. online friends, old high school friends, neighborhood kids, even my own family. It’s been at least six months since the last time i talked to any of my older sisters and nieces—who i once talked to every week.

i wish i could give a reason as to why i did that. but truly...i don’t know. i never even meant for it to happen. first, it just started with replying to a dm a day late but then pretty soon that stretched to a week and then to a month and now it’s been almost 4 months since i answered a single one. I guess apart of me is embarrassed...to reach out again after months of just being silent. but then if i never reach out...how am i supposed to continue a friendship with that person?

I just feel so stupid...because i was the one who withdrew and never texted back so why tf am i so upset i have no friends anymore. like dumb bitch it's your own doing !!

and i think not talking to anybody has badly affected me...probably the reason why my depression and social anxiety are through the roof. I mean, it just can’t be healthy to not talk to anybody for a year. like no wonder i feel so messed up.

i’m tired of feeling like this—of getting jealous when i see others interact on my tl, of getting jealous at friend groups in movies. it’s honestly pathetic.

but i don’t know how to change this. how do you un-withdraw yourself? do i just message friends, “hey sorry i completely ghosted you for half a year hahaha was just not doing good. anyways how are you? lol”. if i was on the receiving end i probably wouldn’t want to talk to that person anymore period. I would have already moved on and forgot about them.

so now i feel like i have no choice but to continue being like this. to continue isolating myself and act like it’s not affecting me.

i just feel stuck.

and it’s pretty ironic that one of my favorite txt songs is “ghosting” bc i appear to be the queen at that. reading the lyrics...i can’t help but wonder if that’s how my friends felt. i hope not.

i don’t really know where im going with this. i guess i wanted to let out my thoughts to someone. If anybody surprisingly stumbles upon this and reads it.

Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: TXT - ghosting

tw // death, disordered eating, mention of weight

so here i am, writing this journal entry at my bedroom desk while nursing an iced coffee with keshi softly playing in the background, waiting for the clock to strike 12:00.

i guess to start this off I'll say in retrospect, 2020 was not that unkind to me. i am very blessed to say that so far nobody in my immediate family has tested positive for covid (though like most angelenos—everyone thinks they already had it back in late dec 2019) and that thankfully i know of nobody personally that has passed away due to it.

with that compared to events that occurred last year(i.e. losing my grandfather and dog an exact month from each other and then having to move from my childhood home) this year is definitely better for me...at least on the surface.

but in a weird way...i think im doing mentally worse. to put it in a very badly worded analogue...last year it felt like i was abruptly pushed into the freezing sea and every time i got my footing together—when i thought things were getting even slightly better— waves crashed over my head and pulled me back under until i finally managed to resurface to the top, where i just floated in the vast emptiness. fast forward to months later where ive been drifting aimlessly with droplets of water gradually slipping into my lungs unknowingly. my body not even noticing until one particularly bad night and suddenly it's all i can feel. slowly drowning. not having any clue as to how to stop it.

2019 was an intense and raw pain that I felt every minute, every second of the day for months. on the other hand 2020 was a dull ache in my bones, something that i got so accustomed to, i didn’t even realize it was there until one day it wasn’t..and when it came back soon after it was impossible to not notice or feel it.

its strange bc i didn't even register how bad my depression was until i overheard my dad discussing it with my aunt. and what really put it in perspective was when i went to the beach( aka was dragged) and a random man came up to me and asked how I was doing before giving me a self-help card. how bad did i have to look irl that a stranger chose me outta all the people in the beach to give that too...

and since im already putting so much of my personal life out there..might as well as come out and say i pretty much relapsed back into disordered eating + dangerous "diet" methods.(although i don’t know if you can even call it a relapse bc that requires recovering..which ive never did. doubt i ever will). it's kinda funny—in that chuckling before crying kinda way—how I went from being at my lowest weight in January to now the heaviest I've ever been in my life. you can drastically change in just 12 months huh. ive gotten better at addressing it at least, to admitting i do have a problem—even tried to open up to a friend for the first time. still, even now it feels weird to talk about... notice i can't even say the actual words or specifically say what i do.

but yeah like i said...just not doing good this year. but is anybody doing that well in 2020? i think this whole pandemic had a hit on everyone's mental health.

but with the vaccine now slowly coming out to the general public i hope that makes things more controllable and easier. who knows...maybe we'll be able to finally have concerts again in 2021.

you know I don’t have many wishes for 2021 besides getting healthy and happy, but like txt choi beomgyu said...that's one of the hardest goals to accomplish. something that seems so small and minuscule but i can't remember the last time i was any one of those things. 5 years ago? 6? honesty I don't know.

anyways this is getting way too long...here’s to hoping for better and brighter things in 2021!

i'll close this journal off with my favorite verse from txt's cover of f2020.

tomorrow i want to lift my head up as much as i can
not at the ceiling but the sky
i want to shout
"everyone, you had it rough"
goodbye 2020
cr.translatingtxt

Current Music: TXT- f2020 (avenue beat cover)

just a little venting diary entry since I don't really have anywhere else to voice my thoughts.

but boy am i struggling,,,with thinking out of all things. like you know that whole meme "no thoughts head empty "? yeah, that's been me for the past year.

i think something may seriously be wrong with my brain or something bc i literally can't think....

every time i try to focus on one subject...my mind just pulls up blanks. i thought it was because i haven't been sleeping well for the past..well honesty year...but here i am- loaded on caffeine from 3 iced coffees and a cup of tea for good measure- and nada. i can't think past the basic level of anything.

it's like there's this fog or haze over everything i do. i genuinely can't remember what i have done all day... i don't remember what i had for breakfast (or even if i ate it), dont remember if i went outside or not, i just don't remember anything that i may have gotten up to throughout the day.

i'm kinda getting worried bc it's been like this the past year? only it's gotten much worse the past 2 months or so.

i tried talking to my sister about it, but even then i can't seem to put it into words. i doubt i'm making any sense here.

ugh, i just feel...drained. which makes absolutely no sense since all I've done is lay around.

the whole reason i wanted to start writing again was because of this. figured it would somehow "awake " my brain and i'd be able to get out of this funk. but how am i supposed to write when i can't even think clearly? the two go hand in hand together smh.

anyway if this doesn't get any better in the next coming weeks i think I'll make a doctors appointment. i don't wanna continue feeling like this. it's getting in the way of everything.

hopefully, the next time you hear from me, i'll be making articulate full sentences.

Current Mood: blank

Hello, people of Dreamwidth! It's my first time using a blogging/journal site like this...so crossing my fingers that my format is somewhat decent.

I made this account after seeing so many talented authors in my fandom do the same. What can I say I like to follow trends lol.

Honestly not too sure what I'll end up posting on here. My obvious goal would be to upload drabbles or one shots, but in order to do that, I'd have to actually write. Which probably won't happen knowing my lazy and procrastinating self.

So I guess I'll settle with using this as a diary right now. Just posting all kinds of rants and brainrots (the current one being: bay area boy yeonjun & mark. you should expect a long post about that in the next coming weeks).

Normally I use Twitter drafts to do this but uhh as well all know...twitter isn't the most friendly or welcoming space. So I hope the new change of scenery will inspire and motivate me of sorts to start writing again.

The last time I wrote a full fanfic work was the summer of 2016. So saying I am rusty would be an understatement.

My fandoms have also changed (+ grown) since that time of my life so I'm excited yet nervous to write for new ones. In the past, I only wrote exo and bts works, but now I plan on writing for txt, nct, stray kids, and the 100(tv show).

I'd say I'm definitely the most comfortable with my attempts at writing txt since they've been my ult since June 2019. And hmmm the most nervous about stray kids. Although I've been a casual stan of them since hellavator was released..they didn't become one of my ults until double knot last year. And even with that, I don't interact with the fandom very much so I'm quite worried about writing the boys. I'm not sure the way I'll do it will be liked by the fandom. Hoping the practice I do on here will encourage me to eventually post on ao3.

But yeah...I think that's all I wanna say. If you've made it this far, thanks for reading! And these are my scmd accs if you wanna become mutuals :). Ngl I really suck at dms so let that be a warning...I'm so awkward with replies :/

twt:seasidefics
ao3:seasidefics
insta:wanderlustjinnie (im the least active on here)

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: BIBI - BINU