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seasidefics I feel like there are two versions of me—a me before my dad got sick and a me after. And it happened in 5th grade. I used to be talkative. Still really shy—I hid when family came over, cried in kindergarten longer than the other kids, stayed quiet around adults, always cautious. But I was still more alive than I am now.
I had childhood best friends. We were just in elementary school, but it felt like we were already teenagers. Sleepovers every weekend. Sneaking outside at night. Ditching school. We had those stupid, messy three-way friendship fights, and I was always in the middle—the messenger. I had friends in school. I hung out with my cousins every single weekend. I did the talent show. I raised my hand to present first just to get it over with. I sang so loud and proudly during those holiday performances. I was good in class but still loud sometimes. I wasn’t afraid to take up space.
I had childhood best friends. We were just in elementary school, but it felt like we were already teenagers. Sleepovers every weekend. Sneaking outside at night. Ditching school. We had those stupid, messy three-way friendship fights, and I was always in the middle—the messenger. I had friends in school. I hung out with my cousins every single weekend. I did the talent show. I raised my hand to present first just to get it over with. I sang so loud and proudly during those holiday performances. I was good in class but still loud sometimes. I wasn’t afraid to take up space.
Then my dad got sick in 5th grade. And I think something in me just... shut off. I stopped connecting with people. I started hiding, not just from family but from everyone. I self-isolated without even knowing what that was. I just... stopped talking. Then middle school came, and I was truly alone. And I’ve been alone ever since. Friendless. A Loner. Stuck inside my own head with this awful, debilitating social anxiety.
I want the old me back. I forgot I was even like that. It feels like another lifetime, like a version of me that never even existed. How pathetic is it that my goal in life is to be like my childhood self in my 20s? I miss her. I want to go back. Oh, I want to go back. Please, let me go back.
