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it’s getting hotter. the sun wakes me up most days now, since my window curtain is so sheer it lets the light peek right through. i honestly kind of like it, even if it’s annoying. and it seems that since what happened, i find summer days more enjoyable. they bring me back to childhood memories, remind me of the past, and let me pretend, even just for a moment, that i’m eight again in palm springs.
i feel like this wouldn’t be obvious if you’ve seen my posts talking about summer, but i used to hate it as a kid and, well, until last year. i already run way too hot, and i hate being sweaty. it’s uncomfortable. i think i was always too aware that school was coming soon, so i could never really enjoy summer vacation, you know? and in my teen years, i stopped playing outside and making friends and just sank into my phone like the rest of my generation.
but now, when i think of summer, it’s just bittersweet. it reminds me of my dad. he loved summer. hated winter. he always wanted to go to the beach, and we did when i was little, but once i turned thirteen and became more aware of my body, i refused most times. i have a lot of regret about that. i have so many regrets.
i think the last time we went to the beach together was the day before he had his stroke in 2023. we went to baby beach in dana point, and i saw sea lions and white squirrels. now i understand why, but at the time my dad was so weak and wasn’t up for walking, so he stood by the grassy pathway and fished while my sister and i walked around and explored. i wish i could go back in time, see the signs, take him to the hospital, and then, when he got better, we could go back so he could see it with us.
he also had this little joke he always teased out loud when we were walking to the horse ring in my neighborhood as kids. i was born in the summer, like him, and my sister was born in december. so he’d always say i controlled the weather when it was sunny, and my sister controlled it when it turned dark and rainy. he’d tease that i needed to add some clouds, or that my sister needed to stop with the rain. i can’t remember when we outgrew that joke. i miss it. i wish i could hear it again just once.
it’s only the middle of january and it’s in the high 80s, and it’s making me think it’s summer. i want to eat ceviche and have summer bbqs with my older sisters, my older nieces, and my grandpa. i want to go down the steps into my backyard and run around with lexie again.
i want so many things.
and they’ll never happen again.
