seasidefics | Entries tagged with rant

realizing that in order to get the courage to post my work, i probably need to stop interacting with fanfic authors all together but esp on reddit specifically. and like, yes, it’s reddit, so why should i care that a bunch of anonymous strangers downvoted my comment? but it does get under my skin and bother me. i already feel kind of isolated in this sphere, so i think it just hits that feeling even harder. especially because it’s always when i make a post just asking a question about etiquette, and i genuinely don’t see why people wouldn’t like it. it’s not like i’m being rude or saying some controversial opinion. all i did was ask what people would do if someone had published something very similar to a wip they’re currently writing. like… am i breaking some kind of unspoken rule?

i just never seem to agree with most of the users on there. a lot of their general dislikes—like fics in lowercase or long, purple-prose titles—are things i actually love and try to emulate in my own writing. maybe it’s because there aren’t many rpf writers there, and that was my introduction to fanfic. but for the most part, and i know i’m generalizing, i just don’t like the attitude on that subreddit. every time i try to contribute, i’m mostly left feeling… rejected and sad.

then i have the other problem where i don’t really feel like i fit in with kpop fic authors either, especially in my fandom. or well, maybe that was more true years ago. i don’t interact anymore, so maybe i could find a friend group if i tried. but right now it just feels like i’m this sad loser looking in from the outside.

so it’s like two different worlds i don’t fit into. i’m just this sad third thing.

Current Mood: cynical

haven't done a public diary entry like this in a while (at least by my standards), so let's get the recap started. hmmm. i just finished up all the gift cards i was gifted during christmas. got some nice shoes from vans with the purpose of walking/hiking, even if they're technically meant for skateboarding. got some treats for my cats and finally some toothpaste so i can brush their teeth regularly. every time we went to the vet they made a comment abt one of them having tartar, so i wanted to fix that. brother, on the other hand, doesn’t really “believe in” it, so i was waiting until i had enough money to do a bigger order on chewy. i also got some dashi inaba as their birthday gift… though i opened it and gave it to them two days early. oops. i couldn’t help it. istg they know when a package is for them because they all gathered around and pestered me while i opened it.

hmm, i also got some stuff from ulta. i picked up a cosrx prepping skin care kit and i already want big bottles of everything. idk, it’s just nice having a nighttime skincare routine, yk. i already feel way more motivated to take better care of myself in general, like the rest of me should match how good my skin is starting to look.

sister got verb ghost shampoo and conditioner, and i think i’m gonna steal some when i shower in a bit. i don’t think i’ve talked abt it publicly, but i’ve really been struggling with hair issues, mainly thinning and loss. she keeps saying it’s for fine hair, so maybe it’ll help my hair not sit so flat on my head? idk. what i really need is minoxidil, i think, but my sister discourages me since she says it’s not that bad. i just don’t want to wait until i’m crying every single day looking at it before i treat it, yk. i’m also really hoping it’s stress-related hair loss from what happened last april, so maybe it’ll come back. but i’m still stressed every single day, so…

i talked abt this in a previous entry, but it’s been so hot lately and it’s really confusing my brain. i already have no real perception of time, and now i keep thinking it’s summer even though we literally just started the new year. it makes me want to go to a swimming pool and eat sandwiches and chips afterward.

i started yellowjackets last night and i’m really enjoying it. tbh, a year or two ago i watched reactions to the first couple of episodes since that’s usually how i “watch” shows i don’t have access to. i was worried i wouldn’t like it since i had technically already seen parts of it, but luckily my memory is basically non-existent, so everything still feels like a surprise. i think i’m on ep 5. i started late last night and got so sucked in that before i knew it, it was 5 in the morning and i was still watching. didn’t get much sleep, but i can only blame myself.

also, i've been spending an absurd amt of time on pinterest making boards for my aus. i find it really motivating for finishing them..idk, kind of the way music is for other people. it's honestly so fun picking the atmosphere and imagining what the characters look like. i'm having especially a lot of fun with the sorority au.

here's my vent of the week, i guess. i think i just stupidly realized that a discord friend blocked me. i thought they had just moved to a different acc or gone inactive, but i finally logged in after months and when i checked our messages there was that yellow exclamation mark disclaimer that i can't view their profile, badges, or about me. i even sent a friend request just to be sure, and it said it couldn't go through. i can't react to my messages or theirs either, it just disappears immediately. so yeah, all signs point to them blocking me.

they probably did it months ago, back when i assumed they just weren't active, which makes me feel a little embarrassed for only noticing now. i'm trying not to let it hurt my feelings, but it does, even though it was probably for the best for both of us. i don't think we were ever the same after they came into my dms with a policing attitude a couple years ago over something i had rtd.

idk, it's just really mortifying to be upfront that i think i'm so deprived of connections with anyone outside of my family( who regularly hurt me) that i keep embarrassing myself by pathetically hoping someone who was clearly done with me, and who hadn't really cherished our friendship even a year before this, would still have semi-good feelings toward me. or at least not block me. but that's their right, like my siblings would say.

but there are also two sides to every “argument,” and i’m sure i’m not blameless in their story. i know i can be too needy and talk too much about my own problems, and like they said, i gave them stress. and i probably wasn’t the best person to talk to when my dad’s health started declining in 2023. i can recognize that it changed me and made me harder to be around, so now that he’s gone, it’s probably for the better that they don’t talk to me anymore.

i think what really gets me is that it feels like the end of an era. we originally started talking when i ran a bts instagram acc, back when i was still in high school, back when i had my own home and my grandpa, dog, and dad were still alive. everything from that time in my life has come to an end. even internet friends.

( rant abt a small Thing that happened today )

Current Mood: bitchy

i follow writers in *** fandom and i all the time see them “voicing their frustration”(aka talking shit) on the characterization on certain ships and members and it just makes me :(((( bc i actually like some of them and prolly would do something similar & now im scared that if i post a work they're all gonna laugh abt how awful it was in gcs....

kinda wish authors and writers on twt, dw, or just any social media platform realized the author ur currently talking shit about may see it....or someone who writes something similar will see it and think its abt them.

just idk...maybe not be so negative and rude ?? also its kpop fic....there is no correct way to write them?? like it's all fictional anyway so idk maybe dont judge the others way do it. if you have a problem with certain characterization just make ur own...no need to talk shit abt others

really,,,I've been seeing it ever since I "joined" [redacted] ficdom and it completely discourages me from ever posting anything public now.

esp since the main culprit doing this is extremely active in my main pairing :( i dont think ill ever post anythung in fear that they'll read it and talk shit abt it. ~~Ao3 let me be able to block specific users from viewing my works pls </3~~

in conclusion: can writers in *** fandom stop acting like mean high school girls and just let ppl write the way they want please and thank you

do you know those off days? when you wake up and immediately feel wrong and out of place. when you’re on the brink of tears the whole day for absolutely no reason, no reason to be this upset. because that was my day today.

it started as soon as i woke up around 10:00 am...going into the kitchen to make my morning coffee and maybe grab a light snack. i just felt sad and i mean that's not very unusual for me, but this feeling was just different. more intense. everything and anything was aggravating this emotion. going on twtiter, youtube, netflix, even here. all the platforms i use to get away and feel just a hint of happiness were now doing the exact opposite.

anyway, i spent the entire day with this feeling and i couldn't put my finger on exactly what it was until at night.

it's loneliness. i'm fucking lonely.

and it’s not very difficult to imagine why. i pretty much ghosted everyone for the past year. online friends, old high school friends, neighborhood kids, even my own family. It’s been at least six months since the last time i talked to any of my older sisters and nieces—who i once talked to every week.

i wish i could give a reason as to why i did that. but truly...i don’t know. i never even meant for it to happen. first, it just started with replying to a dm a day late but then pretty soon that stretched to a week and then to a month and now it’s been almost 4 months since i answered a single one. I guess apart of me is embarrassed...to reach out again after months of just being silent. but then if i never reach out...how am i supposed to continue a friendship with that person?

I just feel so stupid...because i was the one who withdrew and never texted back so why tf am i so upset i have no friends anymore. like dumb bitch it's your own doing !!

and i think not talking to anybody has badly affected me...probably the reason why my depression and social anxiety are through the roof. I mean, it just can’t be healthy to not talk to anybody for a year. like no wonder i feel so messed up.

i’m tired of feeling like this—of getting jealous when i see others interact on my tl, of getting jealous at friend groups in movies. it’s honestly pathetic.

but i don’t know how to change this. how do you un-withdraw yourself? do i just message friends, “hey sorry i completely ghosted you for half a year hahaha was just not doing good. anyways how are you? lol”. if i was on the receiving end i probably wouldn’t want to talk to that person anymore period. I would have already moved on and forgot about them.

so now i feel like i have no choice but to continue being like this. to continue isolating myself and act like it’s not affecting me.

i just feel stuck.

and it’s pretty ironic that one of my favorite txt songs is “ghosting” bc i appear to be the queen at that. reading the lyrics...i can’t help but wonder if that’s how my friends felt. i hope not.

i don’t really know where im going with this. i guess i wanted to let out my thoughts to someone. If anybody surprisingly stumbles upon this and reads it.

Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: TXT - ghosting

just a little venting diary entry since I don't really have anywhere else to voice my thoughts.

but boy am i struggling,,,with thinking out of all things. like you know that whole meme "no thoughts head empty "? yeah, that's been me for the past year.

i think something may seriously be wrong with my brain or something bc i literally can't think....

every time i try to focus on one subject...my mind just pulls up blanks. i thought it was because i haven't been sleeping well for the past..well honesty year...but here i am- loaded on caffeine from 3 iced coffees and a cup of tea for good measure- and nada. i can't think past the basic level of anything.

it's like there's this fog or haze over everything i do. i genuinely can't remember what i have done all day... i don't remember what i had for breakfast (or even if i ate it), dont remember if i went outside or not, i just don't remember anything that i may have gotten up to throughout the day.

i'm kinda getting worried bc it's been like this the past year? only it's gotten much worse the past 2 months or so.

i tried talking to my sister about it, but even then i can't seem to put it into words. i doubt i'm making any sense here.

ugh, i just feel...drained. which makes absolutely no sense since all I've done is lay around.

the whole reason i wanted to start writing again was because of this. figured it would somehow "awake " my brain and i'd be able to get out of this funk. but how am i supposed to write when i can't even think clearly? the two go hand in hand together smh.

anyway if this doesn't get any better in the next coming weeks i think I'll make a doctors appointment. i don't wanna continue feeling like this. it's getting in the way of everything.

hopefully, the next time you hear from me, i'll be making articulate full sentences.