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rant abt writers in my fandom :/
Apr. 13th, 2021 05:10 pmi follow writers in *** fandom and i all the time see them “voicing their frustration”(aka talking shit) on the characterization on certain ships and members and it just makes me :(((( bc i actually like some of them and prolly would do something similar & now im scared that if i post a work they're all gonna laugh abt how awful it was in gcs....
kinda wish authors and writers on twt, dw, or just any social media platform realized the author ur currently talking shit about may see it....or someone who writes something similar will see it and think its abt them.
just idk...maybe not be so negative and rude ?? also its kpop fic....there is no correct way to write them?? like it's all fictional anyway so idk maybe dont judge the others way do it. if you have a problem with certain characterization just make ur own...no need to talk shit abt others
really,,,I've been seeing it ever since I "joined" [redacted] ficdom and it completely discourages me from ever posting anything public now.
esp since the main culprit doing this is extremely active in my main pairing :( i dont think ill ever post anythung in fear that they'll read it and talk shit abt it. Ao3 let me be able to block specific users from viewing my works pls </3
in conclusion: can writers in *** fandom stop acting like mean high school girls and just let ppl write the way they want please and thank you
disappeared like a faint ghost [journal]
Jan. 12th, 2021 08:17 pmdo you know those off days? when you wake up and immediately feel wrong and out of place. when you’re on the brink of tears the whole day for absolutely no reason, no reason to be this upset. because that was my day today.
it started as soon as i woke up around 10:00 am...going into the kitchen to make my morning coffee and maybe grab a light snack. i just felt sad and i mean that's not very unusual for me, but this feeling was just different. more intense. everything and anything was aggravating this emotion. going on twtiter, youtube, netflix, even here. all the platforms i use to get away and feel just a hint of happiness were now doing the exact opposite.
anyway, i spent the entire day with this feeling and i couldn't put my finger on exactly what it was until at night.
it's loneliness. i'm fucking lonely.
and it’s not very difficult to imagine why. i pretty much ghosted everyone for the past year. online friends, old high school friends, neighborhood kids, even my own family. It’s been at least six months since the last time i talked to any of my older sisters and nieces—who i once talked to every week.
i wish i could give a reason as to why i did that. but truly...i don’t know. i never even meant for it to happen. first, it just started with replying to a dm a day late but then pretty soon that stretched to a week and then to a month and now it’s been almost 4 months since i answered a single one. I guess apart of me is embarrassed...to reach out again after months of just being silent. but then if i never reach out...how am i supposed to continue a friendship with that person?
I just feel so stupid...because i was the one who withdrew and never texted back so why tf am i so upset i have no friends anymore. like dumb bitch it's your own doing !!
and i think not talking to anybody has badly affected me...probably the reason why my depression and social anxiety are through the roof. I mean, it just can’t be healthy to not talk to anybody for a year. like no wonder i feel so messed up.
i’m tired of feeling like this—of getting jealous when i see others interact on my tl, of getting jealous at friend groups in movies. it’s honestly pathetic.
but i don’t know how to change this. how do you un-withdraw yourself? do i just message friends, “hey sorry i completely ghosted you for half a year hahaha was just not doing good. anyways how are you? lol”. if i was on the receiving end i probably wouldn’t want to talk to that person anymore period. I would have already moved on and forgot about them.
so now i feel like i have no choice but to continue being like this. to continue isolating myself and act like it’s not affecting me.
i just feel stuck.
and it’s pretty ironic that one of my favorite txt songs is “ghosting” bc i appear to be the queen at that. reading the lyrics...i can’t help but wonder if that’s how my friends felt. i hope not.
i don’t really know where im going with this. i guess i wanted to let out my thoughts to someone. If anybody surprisingly stumbles upon this and reads it.
permanent brain fog [vent]
Dec. 21st, 2020 06:24 pmbut boy am i struggling,,,with thinking out of all things. like you know that whole meme "no thoughts head empty "? yeah, that's been me for the past year.
i think something may seriously be wrong with my brain or something bc i literally can't think....
every time i try to focus on one subject...my mind just pulls up blanks. i thought it was because i haven't been sleeping well for the past..well honesty year...but here i am- loaded on caffeine from 3 iced coffees and a cup of tea for good measure- and nada. i can't think past the basic level of anything.
it's like there's this fog or haze over everything i do. i genuinely can't remember what i have done all day... i don't remember what i had for breakfast (or even if i ate it), dont remember if i went outside or not, i just don't remember anything that i may have gotten up to throughout the day.
i'm kinda getting worried bc it's been like this the past year? only it's gotten much worse the past 2 months or so.
i tried talking to my sister about it, but even then i can't seem to put it into words. i doubt i'm making any sense here.
ugh, i just feel...drained. which makes absolutely no sense since all I've done is lay around.
the whole reason i wanted to start writing again was because of this. figured it would somehow "awake " my brain and i'd be able to get out of this funk. but how am i supposed to write when i can't even think clearly? the two go hand in hand together smh.
anyway if this doesn't get any better in the next coming weeks i think I'll make a doctors appointment. i don't wanna continue feeling like this. it's getting in the way of everything.
hopefully, the next time you hear from me, i'll be making articulate full sentences.
