responses to high stress situations...

[seasidefics]

well today started off fun! my sister was cooking lunch for herself and put a paper towel on the plate before grabbing the sausage out of the pan since it was greasy, and she had the paper towel way too close to a medium-high gas burner… so you can guess what happened.

i’m honestly so annoyed with her response, and it resulted in us getting into an argument, but idk.. my opinion still stands.

anyways, she just started shrieking “riyah! riyah! riyah!” while standing right next to it, not making a single move to put it out. my back was turned, and she always says my name for no reason. she has night terrors every single night where she just screams “help” or “riyah!” so i think i’ve gotten used to tuning her out. but luckily i turned to look and saw it, and my brain just went blank.

first of all, i hate fire. i can’t even light matches or use lighters because i’m that scared of my fingers getting burned. but thankfully i at least have some ounce of survival instinct, so i grabbed the burning paper towel and carried it to the sink and just ran water on it. (is that even the correct way?) i’m very lucky it wasn’t a grease fire.

but i’m just so pissed that she just stood there. like yeah, i know anxiety affects everyone differently, but i guess i’m annoyed that everything has to fall on me since she’s not capable of helping at all in emergency situations. and it’s just so annoying when you are panicking and someone is just shrieking next to you. i’m reminded of the time, which is kinda graphic, when my dad’s dialysis fistula burst the artery in his arm, and it literally squirted blood across the room. and again, my sister was just yelling “oh my god” while i had to put continuous pressure on it and call 911.

i guess it’s a good test to see if i can handle high-stress environments at least… since the career i’m thinking about is very much one. and my dad said i should go into this career because of how fast i reacted to his arm, but it still doesn’t leave me unaffected. like my entire body started shaking and my heart was pounding, but when i’m really frightened i turn mute and try to act calm even though i’m not. and then when it’s “safe,” i get angry.

i think i’m just so angry because what would she have done if i was in the next room, or god forbid, out of the house? just still stand there as it engulfed the entire paper towel and then caught onto the fckin paper plate? like oh my god, i do not want to think about my brother’s reaction if we accidentally started a house fire. and we have skittish cats! she can’t even get them into the carrier for vet appointments... so it’s just angering me that everything falls onto me, yk.

and then she got angry at me for getting angry at her… so we’re both just angry! okay, but now that it’s been a bit, i can recognize she can’t help or control her response to stressful situations… but i just wish she could at least try to..help? or at least not scream my name the entire time..and like maybe i’m being super dramatic since it was just the paper towel on fire… but it was on a paper plate and very close to the burner, and i can’t help but think of what-if or what-could-go-wrong scenarios, yk…esp when we had many oxygen tanks in the house so it just really put a fear into me... but yeah, god, i’m exhausted.