riyah

 sooo, i’m kinda back in a nicholas alexander chavez kick (will be starting grotesquerie soon!!) and it’s got me thinking about my new-ish type as a woman now... i keep coming back to the same old guys: nicholas, obviously; manish dayal; bob morley; lee joon gi (specifically flower of evil era); skeet ulrich; soldier boy jensen ackles; and now quinn hughes...

i feel like some of them might contradict each other, but at the same time it all somehow feels cohesive?? it’s just fun to compare it to my sister’s list of celebrity crushes, since she’s into a more androgynous(?) type of guy—like miyavi and owen teague. (not a bad thing at all!) i think i’m just more surprised by myself, since lately i’ve taken a real liking to beards. like… all of the men above somehow look way prettier to me with facial hair?? it softens their look, i think, which is funny because you’d expect the opposite. also, they all have such expressive, pretty eyes. especially manish… he’s so puppy. honestly, a lot of them feel more traditionally masculine than the guys i used to crush on, at least by my own standards. but i guess i should've expected that like duhhhh, we’re all older now.
 

i know this is so random and weird, i’m sorry, but my new favorite hobby is psychoanalyzing myself. so i guess i’m trying to figure out what kind of men i’m drawn to... and maybe even who i could attract?? idk. i know it’s not that deep lol.

idk, i just find it interesting, and honestly kind of fun, to think about. so much so that i made a little post about it, since it reminded me that i’ve grown so much and that my taste has definitely evolved. i know it sounds silly, but for some reason i can rant about super personal stuff with family, and yet when it comes to celebrity crushes, that’s where i suddenly get shy and worry people will think i’m weird lol.

but also maybe it is a little deep, because i think i’ve been feeling really touch-starved lately. like, i’ve never really minded being “single” before, but now it’s like... god, i need to get myself a man. or a girl, honestly. i’d prefer a girlfriend tbh... but that feels even harder sometimes. i just want softness and closeness and someone to lean into.

anyways, i need to lock in and find my own nicholas alexander chavez... preferably soon.