this weeks brain dump

[seasidefics]

wrote a kinda long trauma dump/vent post because the past couple nights have been HARD for me, but idk if i'll make it public. i'm in a weird headspace where this is my journal and i wanna be able to vent on here, yk? like it's the only outlet i have since it's very clear i can't confide in my siblings, and physical diaries always get snooped in. but at the same time, i wanna use this acc for writing and maybe even forming friendships, and nobody likes a negative btch clogging the tl with so much personal shit . i just don't wanna be seen as a miserable person who can't ever be positive, yk? even tho that's low-key what I am idk... maybe people don't care and wouldn't think that, but it just feels like they will. i'm still gonna vent, obviously, because i'm not capable of not doing that, but i'll try to hold myself back from completely going in on the details.

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anyways, onto other things... it's been really hot so i've just been craving light and refreshing drinks these days. i made horchata like a week ago and it was super yummy...dare i say it could compare to the ones at taquerias. i wrote a whole recipe, but idk, it's pretty self-explanatory, and the only thing i wanna do different is cut the amount of sugar since it was too sweet for me lol. but now i wanna try making other drinks... even just like nut milk since it's fun! or a blueberry muffin inspired iced coffee... basically a copycat from dunkin, but honestly i find dunkin coffee so gross and idk how it’s so popular on the east coast. anyways, i wanna try making a homemade blueberry syrup and then mix it with brown butter chocolate chip coffee creamer... i’m literally salivating just thinking about it. i can’t believe there was a time in my life where i refused to drink sweet drinks and would get nauseated at even the thought of them...

my brother also made mexican shrimp cocktail, but he kept calling it ceviche and it low-key got on my nerves bc noo! ceviche is when the seafood is cooked in lime! it's lime-based! his was just already cooked shrimp, etc., in clamato. anyways, it's not that deep, sorry idk why i got so passionate.

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i'm revisiting all my drafts in my closed collection on ao3 (which, if you don't have one, you should make—so you can keep drafted stories without them getting automatically deleted in a month!). and brooo, i have like 12 active outlines, ahhhh.

i have one chapter officially finished, but it's a very angsty vent/ed fic i started in 2020. idk if i wanna post it since the dynamics feel so off—it was based on debut hueningkai. i'm low-key proud of it tho... i actually like the metaphors and the title i came up with. the thing is, i only have one chapter officially done, and it's supposed to be at least a 3 chapter story. it took me... 5 years to finish one chapter?? obv i took like a 4.5 year hiatus, but still, ughhhh. idk, i'm really good at outlines and coming up with plots. i just have so many ideas i wanna explore, but i can't seem to do the actual writing part. sucks for me.

like i'll have a day where i get really into my fem txt universe and start adding to the sorority draft. then the next day, i suddenly get back into my yeonkai san jose fic and start adding more tidbits. idk, i just keep switching from one to another without ever officially completing one.

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my sister has been meditating a lot outside, and even though i'm kinda a skeptic about it... maybe i'll give it a try. she said that sitting out on the grass and doing it was the closest she’s ever gotten to emotionally feeling like a kid again, going back to childhood. and honestly, that's all i yearn for. 

the thing is, i just can't be alone in my thoughts. i don't allow myself to be, because of what happened... it's why i've gotten so bad about being chronically online—i just need to be in a different world than my reality, yk? but that's not a good or helpful coping mechanism, and i'm low-key getting forced out of it anyway. so maybe i should try meditating. also have been veering into divination..specifically rune reading bc of dylan sprouse.....i find it comforting.

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i’ve been thinking about piercings a lot lately and i wanna get a bunch, but the funny thing is i don’t even have my lobes pierced atm. i’ve always been salty about that because my dad didn’t get them done for me when i was a baby, unlike all my older sisters and cousins. i know people have strong opinions on that, but after all of these years...I personally still wish he had.

i did finally get them pierced when i turned 13, but literally the next day one earring fell out while i was running in pe. my dad didn’t wanna buy me another one, so i just left it, and it closed up really fast. then i only had one pierced ear, which made me feel self-conscious, so i took the other one out too. of course that one closed up fast too. ugh. stupid claire’s piercings.

now i kinda want to get them done properly at a tattoo parlor, but the thought of a needle freaks me out...it just seems slower and more painful. at least with the gun it was so fast i didn’t even feel it. but yeah, the piercings i want are: regular lobes, upper lobes, double helix on both ears, and an industrial on my right ear ( though reading the horror stories is ruining it for me ngl).

I do like studded nose rings but the huge increase of mockery for them w the "nose ring theory"kinda scared me off :( men ruin everything

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what else have i been up to hmm… oh! i’m back in my challengers era. i was kinda obsessed when it first came out, and now i’m back to consuming all the media i can find related to it. i just love the dynamics… low-key, i was headcannoning these m/f/m ocs (but they're kinda not..its just too embarrassing to say who its based on lol) with a very similar dynamic a couple years before this release, so it feels like it was made personally for me, yk. we need more toxic throuples! and i am an art donaldson apologist and defender, okayyyy. he’s my fav character by far, and i kinda get more endeared to him the more times i rewatch. he's such a lil snake (affectionately)

i’ve been wanting to check out the summer i turned pretty since it’s like the only thing on my twt tl… idk what even is going on in the show, but i’ve decided i like conrad. like, why is everyone so mean to him?? every scene i see is just people basically telling him to kys?? like leave him alone !!

but i don’t love love triangles with brothers… and it feels very teen drama? which, duh, is probably the intended audience, but it kinda reminds me of outer banks, and that’s one i just could not get into… despite all the hype, so…