![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wanting to do a 2025 recap and a 2026 goals post, but i just find myself annoyingly saying “my father died” in response to every question, and no one wants to read something that’s completely nihilistic. i did find an old little thing i wrote about a month before he passed, though. i was writing about how i changed in 2025, and it definitely had a way more hopeful tone. i remember writing it because i had visited my oldest sister a little before that (before all the fights) for the first time since i was 13, and met up with my nieces (cousins). and whenever i meet with them, it really kicks in that i should probably try harder and better my life and actually start living, because why is the 18-year-old already way more accomplished than me, and i’m such a lewser compared to the both of them
.
like i’m not even trying to be so annoyingly depressive, but i legit can’t think of a single good moment that stuck out in 2025 for me. really, the day the la fires started is the same day my dad was admitted to the hospital, where i was basically told he wouldn’t make it through the night. but he did. he actually got better and was soon put into a care facility, but then things just kept going up and down. he had so many procedures done without them even telling us, and then at the end of april he had to be admitted to a shitty hospital — not his regular one — and as soon as they removed him from icu into med surge, he went downhill. there are so many what ifs if he had just been admitted to his good hospital instead of that one, but i can’t let that question haunt me even more than it already has.
anyways, i’m really trying not to be so negative, but i just don’t have a simple good thing to say about this year, besides that i’m thankful i still have my cats. they’ll be turning 11 on january 17/19 (i can never remember which one, but i’m pretty sure it’s the first date), and they’re as healthy as they can be. well, one of them has been sick with digestive issues since 2024, but no vet has found the problem or cause, so i’ve just been doing what i’ve figured out works, and he’s still strong. i’m thankful to still have them in my life, that i’ve had them since i was a freshman in high school, and that they’re basically the only things tying me to my old life — to my childhood home, to my past with grandpa, and now dad.
addressing the points now, hockey. still am very into it. actually, just yesterday my sister was all, “why the hell are you still into it?” because it is just so random and kinda unlike me, as i have never cared for sports a day of my life. ok, lie—actually, in 6th grade i had the biggest crush on this guy keith, and he was a lil soccer star/semi prodigy at that age. i should really look him up because i would not be surprised if he played professionally. anyways, i’d try to play soccer at recess because of him, but gave up after like two times because i am that kid who is afraid of the ball and moves away from it rather than toward it, so…
anyways, i honestly think the biggest reason i’m into it (which, another side note: i believe i discussed this in a fandom evolution thing i wrote up ages ago that i never ended up publicizing… i should post it) is that i really got into—and still am embarrassed to admit is the reason why—the stan twt culture. sue me. though this is for a private rant because i think my thoughts would upset people, and i’m aware it’s so gatekeepy, but i do not like the behavior the people in the hr fandom are already emanating …
anyways, i stumbled across hughes brothers twt, and the users are so funny (just the girls and gays… not the straight men ewww), and it just felt nice to be a part of a fandom other than kpop. i’ve been into kpop since 2015, and before that it was one direction and 5sos. this is my first fandom that’s not a band. well, can i even call it a fandom? just a community, i guess. that’s a better word.
and i just loooove sibling dynamics, so imagine my intrigue when i found out there are three brothers in the nhl, two of them being on the same team!! and it has honestly made me like the sport, though i don’t think i’ll ever be the type to watch every single game and scream at the tv about it. like, i do lurk on game threads on the devils subreddit, and most of the time i’m just like… can you guys calm down? i just don’t understand wasting so much energy being so angry and insultive because your team isn’t doing well. isn’t this supposed to be a fun hobby?
maybe this is why i vibe with the baby sharks more, because the team was kinda terrible last season, but the vibes were so fun!!! and go calif! though its norcal...technically i should be rooting for the la kings and the ducks given my location...
but they are my youth, and for a brief moment i was seriously considering getting a tattoo commemorating the concept trailer for the tomorrow album… but i am so indecisive, and like, what if, god forbid, one of them actually ends up being a terrible person and i just have something permanent on my body linked to them. also, my dad hates tattoos, so i still want to respect his wishes. i don’t think i’ll ever do it… at least not now.
other point… uhm, well, not to get all personal, but fck it, i already am lol, i did relapse... just the opposite way. that one mitski lyric really just describes my journey with this since adolescence… i’ve been big and small and big and small and big and small again.
i can’t even do cute stats since i’ve published zero fics in like the past 8 yrs or so… i think the last public fic was 2018?? though it was a crack group chat mimic au, so i don’t even really count it. the last actually good fic was 2016… i could do a wip stats update, tho i don’t know how to code so it won’t look pretty.
in my closed collections on ao3, i have 24 works in total across 16 different fandoms… though one of them i just put question marks in place because i couldn’t decide who i wanted to be in the crossover. all range from 2% done to about 60%. i really should just finish the ones i’ve been wanting to since the pandemic era, but my writing is just so different compared to now (in some ways… better), and also i think i’m just scared to put myself out there with them.
