seasidefics | Entries tagged with goodbye:2025

original publish date: 1/02/26

(edit from future me: ok rereading this, i’m being so defensive from the start—sorry. i feel like that vid of xiaojun quickly standing up and defending, with all of his chest, why he likes mint choclate ice cream, and the rest of nct (aka not wayv members) are all like “i like that too…” “people can like that….” and he just deflates shyly when he realizes he doesn’t have to fight for his life. all that to say, i’m so defensive over this because of how my family has treated me over it, but i want to think others would be more understanding, especially gen z’s…)

debating whether to even do this because most of this stuff is very unrealistic (at least in my current pov w current mental state), and also i'm gonna be very upfront with how behind i am in life and just how behind i am compared to my peers. it's mortifying/embarrassing and i know that. i've been shamed for it ever since becoming an adult and, ultimately, it’s all my fault and doing...

also, on the topic of manifesting… i have such complicated feelings because i've been doing that since 2020 without even realizing that's what it was. and i guess i'm still doing it now, just through maladaptive daydreaming about a different version of myself and my life. it's been my coping mechanism since being in this living environment, and i'm aware it’s not healthy.

i think the other part is that i just don't believe in manifesting anymore, because that's all i did for my dad's health. and yes, reading that back is insane, and you could probably write a whole field study on how unhealthy my coping mechanisms are, but when his health declined in ’23, all i would do was make wishes at angel numbers (11:11) and wish for him to be okay. i would write “dad will be okay” 50 times in a row in my notebook whenever he wasn’t feeling well. yeah… that clearly didn’t fucking work. none of my prayers worked. nothing i did worked. so it’s like… i don’t believe in it anymore.

also, funny talking about manifestation, because for 2025 i actually listened to as you wish by wjsn right when the clock struck 12 so it could “set” my year. and was i ever so lucky?? so i didn’t even bother doing a song for this year. i think i was watching hockey videos when it became the new year… so whatever that means.

major things i need to do this year:

get seen for severe social anxiety and agoraphobia (and possible avpd). basically just get the courage to call the place and be evaluated, even though i’ve put it off for years because of the exact problems that make me need to go in the first place… but i can’t ignore it anymore.
get my license. this one is harder just logistically. maybe ask A for help privately, because without a license or a car to myself how am i even supposed to get to the dmv and practice?… i’m so scared, but i’m hoping it'll get easier once i start and maybe i'll even end up enjoying it. it’s hell relying on other people and ubers for everything, and ubers are a huge reason i never leave the house. i’ve had bad encounters, and i think it's part as to why i developed agoraphobia... i feel so helpless during the pickup, just waiting outside by myself with no “safe space” (car) to hide in when shit happens.
get income again. self-explanatory, but i kinda need to do the steps above first so i actually have a way to get to work. do you see my problem? it’s hard to find work when you don’t have transportation, but it’s hard to get transportation when you don’t have money. and i don’t live in a walkable or good public transit city like MA or NY…

hopes/delusions:

100% independent in all ways. like obvs financially and etc., but also emotionally. stop relying on others and holding myself back because of them. make myself my first priority for once in my life, because right now i’m really all i’ve got. i have no one to fall back on or for help. and no one can throw their help in my face during arguments and berate me for it, if I don't have it.

save, save, save. will be so unrealistic to think i can move in a year, but i want to make it my mission to save as much as humanly possible so i could hopefully peace out by late 2027 at least.

be a more confident person. kinda goes back to the first hope, but with a fake-it-till-you-make-it mindset. i guess kind of like manifestation... go into every scenario and situation thinking “i’m the best person for this,” etc., aka how lady gaga manifested her career.

start doing nice things for myself. aka treat myself, buy things!! get a cute purse, get that iced coffee syrup, save for a concert. just… live. semi contradicts the saving want from above, but uhmmm ill figure something out

physical/health goals:

new hair! cut it off and dye it (current fixation: black cherry or cool-toned cherry brown). i just need to do something with this decade-long hair that has no life..

have style. just any style pls… (acubi, shabby chic, casual chic, etc.)
get healthier, i.e. increase fiber intake and walk 10k steps
attempt at being vegetarian at least for one full week (no exceptions!). i’ve been wanting to do this since freelee banana girl scared me when i was like 11, and i almost did it last week because there was absolutely nothing in the fridge and pantry, but i ruined it by eating a chicken sausage

fic goals:

publish one fic!! even if you have to do it on anon, like jesus christ
- danny cho character study
- san jose yeonkai
- beomkai rock band
- txt 1d inspo
- hughes vs hughes
- sorority fic

post drabbles or brain rots on here

stop caring if it’s good or bad or who will like it. i’m not making any income off this, so just go at it. who cares if user cbgyufatass doesn’t like the characterization??

oc fic
- small town romance wip

tw//: brief and vague reference to eating disorder and death

wanting to do a 2025 recap and a 2026 goals post, but i just find myself annoyingly saying “my father died” in response to every question, and no one wants to read something that’s completely nihilistic. i did find an old little thing i wrote about a month before he passed, though. i was writing about how i changed in 2025, and it definitely had a way more hopeful tone. i remember writing it because i had visited my oldest sister a little before that (before all the fights) for the first time since i was 13, and met up with my nieces (cousins). and whenever i meet with them, it really kicks in that i should probably try harder and better my life and actually start living, because why is the 18-year-old already way more accomplished than me, and i’m such a lewser compared to the both of them

.

and well, with what happened after, none of that happened, and if anything i regressed a lot in progress. i also wrote this on tumblr, since i was originally planning on using it as my new vent twt/ public diary, but then i remembered the login info for here and i’ve just been consistently using this instead. i’m kind of glad, too, because i found out a couple months later that my younger sister had been stalking my tumblr, despite me lying and saying i didn’t have an account lol. so yeah, there’s probably going to be a time soon where she finds this, and i really should put all posts on access list, but i don’t know... i like it being public.

like i’m not even trying to be so annoyingly depressive, but i legit can’t think of a single good moment that stuck out in 2025 for me. really, the day the la fires started is the same day my dad was admitted to the hospital, where i was basically told he wouldn’t make it through the night. but he did. he actually got better and was soon put into a care facility, but then things just kept going up and down. he had so many procedures done without them even telling us, and then at the end of april he had to be admitted to a shitty hospital — not his regular one — and as soon as they removed him from icu into med surge, he went downhill. there are so many what ifs if he had just been admitted to his good hospital instead of that one, but i can’t let that question haunt me even more than it already has.

anyways, i’m really trying not to be so negative, but i just don’t have a simple good thing to say about this year, besides that i’m thankful i still have my cats. they’ll be turning 11 on january 17/19 (i can never remember which one, but i’m pretty sure it’s the first date), and they’re as healthy as they can be. well, one of them has been sick with digestive issues since 2024, but no vet has found the problem or cause, so i’ve just been doing what i’ve figured out works, and he’s still strong. i’m thankful to still have them in my life, that i’ve had them since i was a freshman in high school, and that they’re basically the only things tying me to my old life — to my childhood home, to my past with grandpa, and now dad.

addressing the points now, hockey. still am very into it. actually, just yesterday my sister was all, “why the hell are you still into it?” because it is just so random and kinda unlike me, as i have never cared for sports a day of my life. ok, lie—actually, in 6th grade i had the biggest crush on this guy keith, and he was a lil soccer star/semi prodigy at that age. i should really look him up because i would not be surprised if he played professionally. anyways, i’d try to play soccer at recess because of him, but gave up after like two times because i am that kid who is afraid of the ball and moves away from it rather than toward it, so…

anyways, i honestly think the biggest reason i’m into it (which, another side note: i believe i discussed this in a fandom evolution thing i wrote up ages ago that i never ended up publicizing… i should post it) is that i really got into—and still am embarrassed to admit is the reason why—the stan twt culture. sue me. though this is for a private rant because i think my thoughts would upset people, and i’m aware it’s so gatekeepy, ~~but i do not like the behavior the people in the hr fandom are already emanating …~~

anyways, i stumbled across hughes brothers twt, and the users are so funny (just the girls and gays… not the straight men ewww), and it just felt nice to be a part of a fandom other than kpop. i’ve been into kpop since 2015, and before that it was one direction and 5sos. this is my first fandom that’s not a band. well, can i even call it a fandom? just a community, i guess. that’s a better word.

and i just loooove sibling dynamics, so imagine my intrigue when i found out there are three brothers in the nhl, two of them being on the same team!! and it has honestly made me like the sport, though i don’t think i’ll ever be the type to watch every single game and scream at the tv about it. like, i do lurk on game threads on the devils subreddit, and most of the time i’m just like… can you guys calm down? i just don’t understand wasting so much energy being so angry and insultive because your team isn’t doing well. isn’t this supposed to be a fun hobby?

maybe this is why i vibe with the baby sharks more, because the team was kinda terrible last season, but the vibes were so fun!!! and go calif! though its norcal...technically i should be rooting for the la kings and the ducks given my location...

now onto consuming less txt content. this is true, but i’m still very infatuated with them and very updated through twt. like, i think when i wrote that it gave the vibe that i was slowly, kinda unstanning, and that couldn’t be further from the case. i’m just not up-to-date on their videos, since i still haven’t watched todo… and i don’t really watch live streams, because i just watch clips on twt, besides the ones that seem really funny or cute.

but they are my youth, and for a brief moment i was seriously considering getting a tattoo commemorating the concept trailer for the tomorrow album… but i am so indecisive, and like, what if, god forbid, one of them actually ends up being a terrible person and i just have something permanent on my body linked to them. also, my dad hates tattoos, so i still want to respect his wishes. i don’t think i’ll ever do it… at least not now.

other point… uhm, well, not to get all personal, but fck it, i already am lol, i did relapse... just the opposite way. that one mitski lyric really just describes my journey with this since adolescence… i’ve been big and small and big and small and big and small again.

i can’t even do cute stats since i’ve published zero fics in like the past 8 yrs or so… i think the last public fic was 2018?? though it was a crack group chat mimic au, so i don’t even really count it. the last actually good fic was 2016… i could do a wip stats update, tho i don’t know how to code so it won’t look pretty.

in my closed collections on ao3, i have 24 works in total across 16 different fandoms… though one of them i just put question marks in place because i couldn’t decide who i wanted to be in the crossover. all range from 2% done to about 60%. i really should just finish the ones i’ve been wanting to since the pandemic era, but my writing is just so different compared to now (in some ways… better), and also i think i’m just scared to put myself out there with them.

riyah

Entries tagged with goodbye:2025

2026 goals, hopes, and delusions

goodbye 2025... i hope to never experience this pain again

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