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2026 goals, hopes, and delusions
Jan. 29th, 2026 01:26 pmoriginal publish date: 1/02/26
(edit from future me: ok rereading this, i’m being so defensive from the start—sorry. i feel like that vid of xiaojun quickly standing up and defending, with all of his chest, why he likes mint choclate ice cream, and the rest of nct (aka not wayv members) are all like “i like that too…” “people can like that….” and he just deflates shyly when he realizes he doesn’t have to fight for his life. all that to say, i’m so defensive over this because of how my family has treated me over it, but i want to think others would be more understanding, especially gen z’s…)
debating whether to even do this because most of this stuff is very unrealistic (at least in my current pov w current mental state), and also i'm gonna be very upfront with how behind i am in life and just how behind i am compared to my peers. it's mortifying/embarrassing and i know that. i've been shamed for it ever since becoming an adult and, ultimately, it’s all my fault and doing...
also, on the topic of manifesting… i have such complicated feelings because i've been doing that since 2020 without even realizing that's what it was. and i guess i'm still doing it now, just through maladaptive daydreaming about a different version of myself and my life. it's been my coping mechanism since being in this living environment, and i'm aware it’s not healthy.
i think the other part is that i just don't believe in manifesting anymore, because that's all i did for my dad's health. and yes, reading that back is insane, and you could probably write a whole field study on how unhealthy my coping mechanisms are, but when his health declined in ’23, all i would do was make wishes at angel numbers (11:11) and wish for him to be okay. i would write “dad will be okay” 50 times in a row in my notebook whenever he wasn’t feeling well. yeah… that clearly didn’t fucking work. none of my prayers worked. nothing i did worked. so it’s like… i don’t believe in it anymore.
also, funny talking about manifestation, because for 2025 i actually listened to as you wish by wjsn right when the clock struck 12 so it could “set” my year. and was i ever so lucky?? so i didn’t even bother doing a song for this year. i think i was watching hockey videos when it became the new year… so whatever that means.
major things i need to do this year:
get seen for severe social anxiety and agoraphobia (and possible avpd). basically just get the courage to call the place and be evaluated, even though i’ve put it off for years because of the exact problems that make me need to go in the first place… but i can’t ignore it anymore.
get my license. this one is harder just logistically. maybe ask A for help privately, because without a license or a car to myself how am i even supposed to get to the dmv and practice?… i’m so scared, but i’m hoping it'll get easier once i start and maybe i'll even end up enjoying it. it’s hell relying on other people and ubers for everything, and ubers are a huge reason i never leave the house. i’ve had bad encounters, and i think it's part as to why i developed agoraphobia... i feel so helpless during the pickup, just waiting outside by myself with no “safe space” (car) to hide in when shit happens.
- get income again. self-explanatory, but i kinda need to do the steps above first so i actually have a way to get to work. do you see my problem? it’s hard to find work when you don’t have transportation, but it’s hard to get transportation when you don’t have money. and i don’t live in a walkable or good public transit city like MA or NY…
- 100% independent in all ways. like obvs financially and etc., but also emotionally. stop relying on others and holding myself back because of them. make myself my first priority for once in my life, because right now i’m really all i’ve got. i have no one to fall back on or for help. and no one can throw their help in my face during arguments and berate me for it, if I don't have it.
- save, save, save. will be so unrealistic to think i can move in a year, but i want to make it my mission to save as much as humanly possible so i could hopefully peace out by late 2027 at least.
- be a more confident person. kinda goes back to the first hope, but with a fake-it-till-you-make-it mindset. i guess kind of like manifestation... go into every scenario and situation thinking “i’m the best person for this,” etc., aka how lady gaga manifested her career.
- start doing nice things for myself. aka treat myself, buy things!! get a cute purse, get that iced coffee syrup, save for a concert. just… live. semi contradicts the saving want from above, but uhmmm ill figure something out
- new hair! cut it off and dye it (current fixation: black cherry or cool-toned cherry brown). i just need to do something with this decade-long hair that has no life..
- get healthier, i.e. increase fiber intake and walk 10k steps
attempt at being vegetarian at least for one full week (no exceptions!). i’ve been wanting to do this since freelee banana girl scared me when i was like 11, and i almost did it last week because there was absolutely nothing in the fridge and pantry, but i ruined it by eating a chicken sausage
- publish one fic!! even if you have to do it on anon, like jesus christ
- danny cho character study
- san jose yeonkai
- beomkai rock band
- txt 1d inspo
- hughes vs hughes
- sorority fic
- post drabbles or brain rots on here
- stop caring if it’s good or bad or who will like it. i’m not making any income off this, so just go at it. who cares if user cbgyufatass doesn’t like the characterization??
- oc fic
- small town romance wip
