01/18/26 riyah’s random thoughts and ramblings of the day

[seasidefics]

 haven't done a public diary entry like this in a while (at least by my standards), so let's get the recap started. hmmm. i just finished up all the gift cards i was gifted during christmas. got some nice shoes from vans with the purpose of walking/hiking, even if they're technically meant for skateboarding. got some treats for my cats and finally some toothpaste so i can brush their teeth regularly. every time we went to the vet they made a comment abt one of them having tartar, so i wanted to fix that. brother, on the other hand, doesn’t really “believe in” it, so i was waiting until i had enough money to do a bigger order on chewy. i also got some dashi inaba as their birthday gift… though i opened it and gave it to them two days early. oops. i couldn’t help it. istg they know when a package is for them because they all gathered around and pestered me while i opened it.

hmm, i also got some stuff from ulta. i picked up a cosrx prepping skin care kit and i already want big bottles of everything. idk, it’s just nice having a nighttime skincare routine, yk. i already feel way more motivated to take better care of myself in general, like the rest of me should match how good my skin is starting to look.

sister got verb ghost shampoo and conditioner, and i think i’m gonna steal some when i shower in a bit. i don’t think i’ve talked abt it publicly, but i’ve really been struggling with hair issues, mainly thinning and loss. she keeps saying it’s for fine hair, so maybe it’ll help my hair not sit so flat on my head? idk. what i really need is minoxidil, i think, but my sister discourages me since she says it’s not that bad. i just don’t want to wait until i’m crying every single day looking at it before i treat it, yk. i’m also really hoping it’s stress-related hair loss from what happened last april, so maybe it’ll come back. but i’m still stressed every single day, so…
 

i talked abt this in a previous entry, but it’s been so hot lately and it’s really confusing my brain. i already have no real perception of time, and now i keep thinking it’s summer even though we literally just started the new year. it makes me want to go to a swimming pool and eat sandwiches and chips afterward.
 

i started yellowjackets last night and i’m really enjoying it. tbh, a year or two ago i watched reactions to the first couple of episodes since that’s usually how i “watch” shows i don’t have access to. i was worried i wouldn’t like it since i had technically already seen parts of it, but luckily my memory is basically non-existent, so everything still feels like a surprise. i think i’m on ep 5. i started late last night and got so sucked in that before i knew it, it was 5 in the morning and i was still watching. didn’t get much sleep, but i can only blame myself.

 

 
also, i've been spending an absurd amt of time on pinterest making boards for my aus. i find it really motivating for finishing them..idk, kind of the way music is for other people. it's honestly so fun picking the atmosphere and imagining what the characters look like. i'm having especially a lot of fun with the sorority au.

 
 

here's my vent of the week, i guess. i think i just stupidly realized that a discord friend blocked me. i thought they had just moved to a different acc or gone inactive, but i finally logged in after months and when i checked our messages there was that yellow exclamation mark disclaimer that i can't view their profile, badges, or about me. i even sent a friend request just to be sure, and it said it couldn't go through. i can't react to my messages or theirs either, it just disappears immediately. so yeah, all signs point to them blocking me.

they probably did it months ago, back when i assumed they just weren't active, which makes me feel a little embarrassed for only noticing now. i'm trying not to let it hurt my feelings, but it does, even though it was probably for the best for both of us. i don't think we were ever the same after they came into my dms with a policing attitude a couple years ago over something i had  rtd.

idk, it's just really mortifying to be upfront that i think i'm so deprived of connections with anyone outside of my family( who regularly hurt me) that i keep embarrassing myself by pathetically hoping someone who was clearly done with me, and who hadn't really cherished our friendship even a year before this, would still have semi-good feelings toward me. or at least not block me. but that's their right, like my siblings would say. 

but there are also two sides to every “argument,” and i’m sure i’m not blameless in their story. i know i can be too needy and talk too much about my own problems, and like they said, i gave them stress. and i probably wasn’t the best person to talk to when my dad’s health started declining in 2023. i can recognize that it changed me and made me harder to be around, so now that he’s gone, it’s probably for the better that they don’t talk to me anymore.

 

i think what really gets me is that it feels like the end of an era. we originally started talking when i ran a bts instagram acc, back when i was still in high school, back when i had my own home and my grandpa, dog, and dad were still alive. everything from that time in my life has come to an end. even internet friends.