thanksgiving

[seasidefics]

11/27/25:
thanksgiving went better than i thought, but it was still a miserable, lonely day overall. and just as i started this entry, my nephew and his cousins came over unexpectedly (for me), so i know i am going to be in an even poorer mental state for the weekend.

the actual meal and sitting together went okay… albeit awkward, because we just never do that. he was trying to go out of his way to be accommodating, and yeah, i get that it is a holiday where everyone is supposed to show what they are thankful for. but you should act that way the entire year, you know? not just this one day. it goes back to my last post about this. he actually left in the middle of eating because he got a phone call and just never came back downstairs, so i do not know what that was about. it makes me anxious that he is in a bad mood.

everything before and after has just been really hard on me. i could not sleep last night because i felt so much dread about today, so i am irritable, and it does not help that i have been fighting nonstop with my sister all week. and then just today we got into it like three times. all from me simply asking if she could please help me with the food prep. i even made sure to ask nicely (I sound like a little kid saying that) because she has gotten so angry at me for being “bossy,” and I am trying to change my tone. i asked verbatim, “in a little bit, can you do this… please?” and she just yelled, “leave me alone.” like why does she act more like a teenager than my nephew, who is the actual teenager? she is way too old to be acting like that...

i just felt guilty that my brother made like eighty percent of the food, even though he likes cooking. and i told him ahead of time that i was not really feeling up for this, but he still wanted to do it. so i made the mac and cheese and tried to get my sister to help me with the glazed carrots, and right in the middle of it she starts yelling at me that she does not want to do it and that she wants to be on her phone.

i have been so upset all day that I did not even have the energy to argue back. i would just go quiet when she exploded. she would say sorry, and then five minutes later, explode again if you tried to get her to take any attention off her phone. that is basically what all our fights have been about this past week.

this is all over the place… i guess I am just saying it had already been an extremely exhausting week because of her. today i did not have it in me to engage at all, so i just let her yell at me, then went into the bathroom and cried for a bit, came back out, helped more, and repeated that cycle until dinner. my eyes hurt and my head is pounding. i've cried more in the past 4 days than I have in the last three months..

after we ate i started to feel a little better. but then at 11 p.m. my nephew and his cousins came over, and i think it upset me because it was not “planned.” my brother said they might come sunday, he was not even sure at the time, and then suddenly they are here tonight. i hate when plans change or get dropped on me without warning. and i guess it hurts that, of course, this happened on a family holiday when i am already so depressed. it just made me bitter. i am a bitter old resentful woman when watching even their extended family have their own families. it just rubs salt in my gaping chest wound that I do not have that… that i have nobody in this house. no say in anything.

i wish my siblings could just understand that... that any family holiday now will completely ruin me and turn me into this bitter old woman. so no, i really don’t want to have to see you interact with your own little family, or see people who still have their parents.

i’m not the same person i was before april 29th, 2025. i never will be.

i feel a lot like connor roy on his wedding day. my father's dead and i feel old