christmas eve

[seasidefics]

 had a dream last night about my dad. we were on some walk together (it’s been hours since i woke up so everything is really fuzzy. i should’ve written it down as soon as i could) but it was like an alternate reality and we had to complete this long walk to get to some place. the entire time he was struggling and saying he felt like his heart was gonna give out, and i just kept trying to encourage him. somehow we made it to the place (i think it was supposed to be our home, but it wasn’t familiar to anything in real life). once we got there, i just kept begging and begging to whatever higher being was listening, for him to make it.

 there were so many parallels to how it was in real life, but the dream version of him seemed to accept it while the real version of him was more hopeful and didn’t want to. i wonder if it was my subconscious trying to tell me that he knew of his last moments and he was okay with it, and that i should take comfort in that. i don’t.

it was my first dream with or about him since he passed. i guess christmas maybe made me dream of this.

it’s been hard the past couple of days. i’ve fought with my sister like five times. i think that’s just gonna be the new thing leading up to every holiday... both of us feeling so many things and not talking about any of it, so we get angry and sad at the small things we can semi-control or change, and then we end up yelling at each other.

i feel like my brother is upset with me because he’s been completely silent the past two days and hasn’t talked to me at all, not even small talk when we pass each other in the kitchen. i don’t know what i did, but it makes me dread opening gifts in front of him when he’s so obviously upset, either at us, or because of something at work, or maybe both.

sometimes i wonder if i’m imagining him being angry, but even outsiders have commented on how negative and angry his presence feels. even when i think he’s in a better mood, his aura is just so..dark

i’ve been thinking about how it feels like every month and every season i can’t escape this grief, because everything reminds me of him. this stretch of time from october to december is probably the hardest... the family holidays, him not being here for halloween, and having to see all my older siblings with their kids and my cousins and nieces and nephews who still have their parents. it makes me feel so bitter and ugly. then thanksgiving comes and he’s not here. it’s just the three of us, awkward and alone. then my sister’s birthday, and then christmas.

january is when he was first admitted to the hospital, where he never came back home. april 29th he passed. july is my birthday, august is his. then we go back into fall festivities… i think i’ll forever feel his missing presence year-round for the rest of my life.

my heart feels heavy and it keeps pounding just sitting here thinking about him. it’s raining hard, and my bedroom window is leaking water into my room. i think i just want to go outside into the freezing rain, sit down on the pavement, and cry along with it.