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Current Location: early 2010s huntington beach and palm springs

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challenge: sunshine revival

sunshine revival prompt: summer foods

i’ve been seeing people post to prompts for the sunshine-revival.dreamwidth.org/ and i’m really new to Dreamwidth formatting still, so i’m not sure how to officially post to the community yet. but i wanted to semi participate anyway, because i love summer and i love writing about it.

so. the prompt: What are your favorite summer-associated foods?
creative option: Draw, make graphics, or post your favorite summer recipes.

the one thing i think of when i hear the word summer is ceviche. and aloe vera drinks. that’s how i survive every brutal california heatwave.

ceviche reminds me so much of childhood and my dad. i think it might be the only dish he made that my brother never found a way to complain about. because really—how can you mess it up? it’s so simple, yet so bright. shrimp and imitation crab, sometimes cod (if he felt like splurging), cooked in lime. diced red onion. tomato. cucumber. cilantro. and always a dash of maggi jugo at the end, just enough to give it that deep, quiet umami flavor. it’s refreshing. it’s light. it’s easy on the stomach when it’s 100°F and you’re melting into the living room couch. technically you’re supposed to eat it on tostadas, but my dad doesn’t like those, so we’d have it with saladitas instead.

aloe vera drinks. now i’m the only one in my family who likes them. i prefer the original flavor too—really not a fan of the pineapple or mango. and i’m kind of late on this one. i think i first had it in summer 2021. i remember because my dad was friendly with the cashier at the gas station, and it was so hot that day—and i guess he looked like he wasn’t feeling well, so the worker kindly paid for one and gave it to him. said it would help rehydrate. but he didn’t like it, so he passed it to me instead. it reminds me of popping boba (which again, i’m the only one in the family who likes, haha). and it makes me feel better to drink it, because then i can pretend it’s somewhat healthy… if i just ignore all the added sugar.

there are so many more foods that scream summer to me. BBQ stuff, mostly—burgers, hot dogs, all that. and potato salad, macaroni salad,, quesadillas. i have such a vivid memory of being maybe 10 (maybe younger?) and staying with my oldest sister in palm springs for the summer. i’m still not sure why i was there...(i’ve been meaning to ask). but anyway, she lived out there because her husband was stationed in twentynine palms, and i was under the parked car with my niece, drawing with chalk on the pavement. and my sister came out with cheese and chicken quesadillas. they were so good. like, good enough that i still remember them thirteen years later. .

strangely, i don’t really associate ice cream with summer. it’s more of a winter food to me. eating diary in hot weather is a nightmare for me personally. i hate the heaviness.

Current Mood: apathetic
Current Location: hiding

Entry tags:

public diary

nothing to celebrate

today is going to be hard. my brother always goes all out for the 4th of july and today is no different. he’s invited a bunch of people over and is making food and cocktails for them. i’ve always hated this. i usually just go to my room and don’t socialize. and honestly, looking back, maybe that's rude… but i don’t know any of these people. they’re all my brother’s in-laws or work friends. strangers to me. no connection.

and they get so drunk. drunk people, especially men, make me deeply uncomfortable and anxious. the first few years here, i was convinced i had developed a phobia of drunk men. that’s how much dread i felt just being around them. i guess i’ve gotten a little better now. if i just try to ignore them.

but i know my brother will get all pissy and guilt trip me into going outside to see the fireworks. which i hate, by the way. i’ve never liked them. too loud, they smell terrible, and i can’t help but think, what could go wrong with a bunch of drunk idiots lighting things on fire.

and then there's the pressure to drink. that started the second i turned 18. i’ll never forget my older sister saying she wanted me to drink with her because then we’d have something in common. like… okay. if that’s the only way we can connect, what does that say about you?

sometimes i really think they just hate who i am. my personality. i need to accept that. and i don’t think there’s anything wrong with me. not even with this. not liking strangers over. they act like it must be because of something our dad did, but no. i think, at our core, my dad and i were just the same. he was private, reserved, someone who loved his own space. and so am i. i wish they could accept that. instead of giving me these condescending lectures where they tell my life story back at me and go on and on about how my dad didn’t raise me right, maybe they could just understand that it was different — not worse, just different from how they were raised. and that’s okay. my dad and i speak the same language, but instead of recognizing that, they just berate it. like there’s something fundamentally wrong with us for being introverted and shy, unlike them. like there’s only one way to be, and it’s theirs.

and honestly, i’m not happy. there’s nothing to celebrate in my life right now. my dad is gone. this is the first holiday without him. in a couple of weeks, it’ll be my birthday. then it’ll be his. and i’m pretty sure i just got cut off my insurance because of the "big beautiful bill" that was signed today. but i think i’m too numb to even care anymore.

like, okay. just kick me while i’m already down.

Current Location: anywhere but here

Entry tags:

i’m building houses in my head again...

so i’ve been obsessed with looking at houses on zillow or redfin or whatever other site exists. it started when i moved in with my brother and lost my childhood home. maybe it’s a coping mechanism. maybe it’s just delusion. i keep telling myself—one day, that’s going to be my future. i’ll get a home of my own. just me, my dad, my younger sister, and our two cats. that’s it. that’s the dream.

it’s all i talk about with my sister now. different cities. states. sometimes even other countries. i go through phases where i get completely obsessed, convinced that if i just move there, everything will get better. everything will finally start over.

in 2020, right after we lost the house, it was oregon. that one made sense—my dad’s side of the family lives there, and we used to visit a lot in the summer. it’s close enough to california that it felt familiar, but better. quieter. people were nicer, even in bigger towns like medford. when my dad went up there this past october, a dialysis nurse literally drove him to his hotel when he got lost. personally drove him. that would never happen here. not at his regular home dialysis. that kind of kindness... that kind of neighborly-ness. i love it. i long for it. i still do. but i can’t imagine living there now. not without him. everything would remind me of him, and i don’t think i’d survive that. not really.

then in 2021, it was washington. all because i stumbled across this youtuber, becky acre homestead. and she had my dream life, really. aussie shepherds, backyard chickens, a garden full of real food, canning her own jams, a seemingly perfect quiet life with her husband and parents. it felt so stable. so safe. and one of my sisters lives in washington, though on the opposite side of the state from what i dreamed about, but still. someone familiar. someone there. i think i held onto that for a while before letting it go. slowly. quietly. like everything else.

now it’s new england. and this one's lasted longer than the others. over a year now. i don’t even know how it started. maybe i googled “safest states” or something. that is always my top priority. but i got stuck on new hampshire. i can’t stop thinking about it. it’s so different from what i’m used to, but in this weird way, it reminds me of being a kid. like when the leaves on our trees still turned orange. like when the rain would flood the school pavement and my shoes would get soaked, and my dad would stuff them with newspaper and put them in front of the heater.

i think i’d love it there. i know my dad would’ve. i think about taking him fishing. to the mountains. maybe even camping. i pretend sometimes, when i’m in one of my moods (which is most days), that everything’s fine. that he’s still coming with us.

i know that’s not healthy.

right now i’m hooked on houses with guest houses. the kind just a few feet from the main house. and i don’t even know why. it’s not like we’d need it. if i move, it’ll just be me and my younger sister. that’s it. no big, happy family to fill the rooms. no full dinner table. just the two of us.

and it’s funny. because all i do is complain about my older siblings. how much i want to get away from them. and that’s true. that’s still true. it’s part of why i love new england—none of them live even remotely close to it. but there’s this twisted little part of me that hopes... maybe they’ll see us move. maybe they’ll get jealous. maybe they’ll miss us.

and they’ll follow.

and we’d be a family again. maybe they’d live just a few blocks away and drop by without calling. maybe i’d finally be the one who hosts things. the one who has something to offer. the provider. an adult. not the burden. a peer. a person.

but 95% chance that never happens. they all have their own families now. roots cemented in california. my oldest sister is well off, she’s not leaving. my brother might, maybe, but his kid’s just starting high school. he’s not gonna rip that away just because i moved.

i think that’s how lonely i am.

even the people who make me feel like shit... the ones who pushed me toward this escape fantasy in the first place... i still want them with me. i still have this deep, weird hope that they'll come, too.

i don’t know what that says about me.

i just know it’s probably not good.

Current Mood: nostalgic

Entry tags:

the home i desperately want to go back to

i’ve been watching these korean vlogs lately. families gathering to make kimchi for winter. it’s always the same...wash station outside, dogs barking, tiny hands massaging seasoning into cabbage, aunties and uncles chattering somewhere in the back. but i keep watching. every video. something about it sticks. maybe because it reminds me of something i can’t name right away. maybe because it feels like a kind of home.

i’m not korean. i grew up on very white american great depression meals mixed with la street food, a weird combo, i know. the closest thing i know is the weekend bbqs at my house. men grilling: hot dogs, hamburgers, carne asada if my dad felt like a treat. all the kids, me and my nieces (who i just call cousins since it’s easier than explaining they’re actually older than me, despite me being their aunt), running around the massive backyard. my older sister would call me in to help with the potatoes for grandpa’s salad. our own little assembly line. i’d peel them while they were still steaming hot because my sister insisted on boiling them with the skin on, peeling while burning my fingers off. we’d tell jokes or i’d tell her about my week at school.

eating outside on the concrete steps—one area for the kids, another for the adults. a time when i felt love, warmth, just pure home. i miss it. i miss my siblings from that time. my nieces from that time. when we were still a family, when we hung out every weekend, when they asked about my day, back when they had kind things to say. not all the time, but enough. back when i was just a kid, and it was okay to be a kid.

now it’s the opposite. like a switch flipped when i turned 18. suddenly, all they want to talk about is my future career, how i’m the black sheep of the family, how utterly pathetic i am because of my social anxiety.

what happened to the warmth?
what happened to the sisters who made my plate? who braided my hair after dinner?
i miss them.
i miss my family.

that version of them—gone.
my grandpa—gone.
my dad—gone.
the warmth—gone.
the house is still there, but another family lives in it now.
no trace of us.
no pictures, no old worn out furniture, no motorcycle in the driveway
just gone.
my childhood—all gone.

maybe that’s why i watch these vlogs.
the only way i can feel that warmth once again.
even if it’s through a screen.

Entry tags:

this is me psychoanalyzing my type in men

sooo, i’m kinda back in a nicholas alexander chavez kick (will be starting grotesquerie soon!!) and it’s got me thinking about my new-ish type as a woman now... i keep coming back to the same old guys: nicholas, obviously; manish dayal; bob morley; lee joon gi (specifically flower of evil era); skeet ulrich; soldier boy jensen ackles; and now quinn hughes...

i feel like some of them might contradict each other, but at the same time it all somehow feels cohesive?? it’s just fun to compare it to my sister’s list of celebrity crushes, since she’s into a more androgynous(?) type of guy—like miyavi and owen teague. (not a bad thing at all!) i think i’m just more surprised by myself, since lately i’ve taken a real liking to beards. like… all of the men above somehow look way prettier to me with facial hair?? it softens their look, i think, which is funny because you’d expect the opposite. also, they all have such expressive, pretty eyes. especially manish… he’s so puppy. honestly, a lot of them feel more traditionally masculine than the guys i used to crush on, at least by my own standards. but i guess i should've expected that like duhhhh, we’re all older now.

i know this is so random and weird, i’m sorry, but my new favorite hobby is psychoanalyzing myself. so i guess i’m trying to figure out what kind of men i’m drawn to... and maybe even who i could attract?? idk. i know it’s not that deep lol.

idk, i just find it interesting, and honestly kind of fun, to think about. so much so that i made a little post about it, since it reminded me that i’ve grown so much and that my taste has definitely evolved. i know it sounds silly, but for some reason i can rant about super personal stuff with family, and yet when it comes to celebrity crushes, that’s where i suddenly get shy and worry people will think i’m weird lol.

but also maybe it is a little deep, because i think i’ve been feeling really touch-starved lately. like, i’ve never really minded being “single” before, but now it’s like... god, i need to get myself a man. or a girl, honestly. i’d prefer a girlfriend tbh... but that feels even harder sometimes. i just want softness and closeness and someone to lean into.

anyways, i need to lock in and find my own nicholas alexander chavez... preferably soon.

Entry tags:

public diary

some more ramblings and venting

so literally right after i was raving about those black bean burgers, my brother went into the mini fridge in the "game room", where i keep most of my stuff since anything in the big fridge gets eaten, and threw them out. i had four left... he tossed them during one of his weekly manic cleaning episodes. usually, he asks if I want to keep something, but this time he didn’t. i only found out when i went to grab one for dinner and they were just gone. it really pisses me off. and feels very triggering.
( tw// disordered eating (kinda) thoughts )

hes talking abt wanting to sell my dads things..mainly medical equipment, which you cant even do so i just let him talk and figure that out himself. but his fcking tone...he was so giddy. he couldn't make it more obvious that he only sees my dad as a financial opportunity and not even a human being. he was all, "oh wow one oxygen tank sells for $200..we have at least 2k worth!". its so gross. i find him disgusting. even in death my dad is not respected.

i vented abt it to my older sis and she basically kinda excused it (in a nice way at least.. can’t say that about other sister) and chopped it up to him being a guy. she does that a lot and idk how to feel bc in one way i’m like yes! she hates men just like me! /s but then she’s kinda “boys will be boys” mindset and just generalizes everybody together. but at least i have someone where i can complain abt men and she’s not all “not all men.”

which reminds me of an awkward and uncomfortable talk i had with my brother. ( tmi )
that older sister also said my younger sis is much more social than me, and while it's true and i've literally said that myself,,, it hurt my feelings lol. like damn, i'm really just a lost cause, huh? and like, within the text she said she likes talking to my younger sis, so it feels like she meant she doesn't like doing that with me. and that might be true... i don't actively try to talk to her like my younger sis does. so it's really only my fault. i need to get better at that, push myself to talk to them at least, but i just close up and can't get words to come outta my mouth when they try.

➳

anyways, on more positive-ish things. which, btw, i'm sorry (but also kinda not) for being so negative and just venting 24/7... i really don't have another place to do it. any physical diaries will get snooped in, and on my other scmds i have more followers, and i don't wanna bombard the tl with all of this. this feels safe.

i got a lip stain at marshalls. which most people probably think is no big deal lol, but it made me happy. i haven’t worn makeup since middle school, and even then it was just horrible blue eyeshadow and mascara, all hand-me-downs from probably the 90s from my older sisters. i have a weird thing with makeup... i never really wore it besides like i said above, so i feel kinda naked when i do wear it, yk? it makes me uncomfortable since i feel like everyone’s looking at me. but i kinda wanna look cute nowadays, and i looked healthier with it on. genuinely lol. that’s how pale my lips are... they’re like naturally white now. maybe from lack of sun and dehydration.

i’ve been writing too. i found all my old notebooks from 2015 to 2020, so all my old drafts are there... so many txt fic ideas, and it makes me Sad since they were such babies in that period. like i had a whole rock band idea during the puma era! before they even had loser=lover and ikily era... i was so ahead of my time. i’ve been adding to them and kinda wanna upload, but like, the ages are weird since they’re all set in 2020-ish. and i don’t wanna change that, but then it feels weird to write them that young. hmm. we’ll see.

which, speaking of babies, i’ve fallen so endeared with nct wish! like those are my sons! they are so cute! they’re so refreshing! they make kpop fun again! my sister really likes them too. her son is jaehee and mine is sion <3 mr ijbol... they genuinely make me so happy. they just feel like good kids, yk? their dynamic is so different from txt and what i’m used to, tbh. and i really relate to how introverted and reserved they are, so i realllly felt for them during the whole radio fiasco. the world really treats quiet ppl horribly, like bro.

Entry tags:

public diary

5/30/25 Riyah’s Random Thoughts and Ramblings

I think I have some form of insomnia. I can’t sleep until early in the morning now, like around 6 or 7 a.m., so I end up waking up in the afternoon, usually around 1 or 2. I know it’s annoying my brother and probably making him mad. I’m surprised he hasn’t actually scolded me yet, though he’s made a few small comments. I just can’t fall asleep at night. Part of it is because I’m stressing over the light. He has this weird thing, kind of a power trip, about the electricity. He swears his high bill is because of the low-wattage LED lights, not the fact that he runs the AC 24/7.

So now, he won’t turn on the security light outside when it gets dark, and that makes me incredibly anxious. It looks like no one’s home or awake at night, and we don’t live in a good neighborhood. It feels like we’re the perfect target. I used to turn the light back on right after he went to bed, but sometimes he’d come back downstairs and see it was on. Then he’d slam it off and do that aggravating passive-aggressive sigh.

Now I’ve figured out this ridiculous routine: I turn it on at 11 p.m. and stay up until 3:30, since that’s when he comes downstairs to get ready for work. I switch it off just before he comes down so he won’t see it was on all night. Then I wait until he actually leaves, around 4:30, and turn it back on. It’s exhausting, and I feel kind of insane. I probably am. I know he knows I like the light on. There have been a couple times I forgot to turn it off, and he came down and slammed it off again, same passive-aggressive vibe. And I know if I try to explain why I want it on, he would just launch into some “you need to stop being so scared of the world” lecture. Anyway, all that to say, I’m not getting good sleep.

➳

My sister was supposed to go to a KBBQ place today with someone she met on Bumble BFF. I was honestly worried, she just met this girl, and like… how do you even know if it’s actually a 20-year-old girl, you know? But she’d just call me controlling and paranoid, and… I mean, I am both of those things, so I kept my mouth shut. She ended up canceling anyway. I guess the nerves got to her.

But last night she was really stressing about it, especially because she can’t use chopsticks. She was talking to my brother and kind of joked that she hoped that meme is true, the one about them giving you a fork if you’re non-Asian/White. And he got all defensive and rude, strongly implying it was racist toward white people. Soooo, yeah. He is so exhausting to talk to. It just makes me uncomfortable. We’re completely different people, with totally different outlooks on life, politics, ideologies, and morals.

I remember when my sister got into The Fight with him, she told him she doesn’t feel safe opening up to him, and I get that now. Like, even if it’s a small, stupid worry about not being able to use chopsticks, he gets this really rude tone and talks like she’s stupid. It feels like he wants to argue, like he just has to disagree with any opinion we have. He’s so incredibly defensive. And I don’t know why that offended him so much… or I do… but I won’t get into that.

He just makes it so hard to talk to him. I don’t know if he even really knows that or registers the tones he gives us. But then I feel like he has to, since he doesn’t talk to our eldest sister like this. At all. I know if she were the one to make that comment, he wouldn’t act like that.

I’m so sick of the way this family treats me and my younger sister. We’re really the black sheep. And we’re in this weird stage where we were born 10+ years after all our older half-siblings, but we’re also like 10 years older than most of the nieces and nephews. I feel like we were just born at the worst time. We’re treated like we’re still kids, but also like we’re 30-year-olds, all at the same time. It’s isolating.

➳

Okay, that’s enough ranting. It’s getting soooo hot now. I have a love/hate relationship with summer. I’ve been daydreaming about going to the pool, but I don’t have any bathing suits and I’m definitely not confident enough to wear even a one-piece. I’m trying to work on that, though. I’m finally eating healthier and getting more exercise. I seem to always do that when summer comes around.

I made a batch of black bean burgers yesterday, and they’re sooo good, filling, and pretty healthy. It’s been kind of easy to slip back into my old dieting habits, but I’m trying to be at least a little healthier this time. Also, I’ve been craving bibimmyeon for years now whenever summer comes around, ever since I watched NCT Dream make it on that one variety show. It just looks so refreshing. I want to try getting it on Amazon, but the shipping…

Anyway, I need to hang this up in a bit since I desperately need to take a shower. That’s been harder lately, not gonna lie... but I guess the exercise and warmer weather help, since now I kind of have to shower every day just to get the muskiness off my skin.

I got a new hair oil too, but my sister said it’s caused some people to lose hair, which is the opposite of what I want… so I guess I’ll just stick with my tea tree shampoo and conditioner.

After the shower, I’m gonna make a nice drink. Maybe another frozen hot chocolate or a dalgona coffee, since I still have one packet left of the Korean instant coffee I got as a Christmas gift.

rubbed raw

my dad passed on the 29th. i was just venting a few days ago about my nephew having friends over and now that feels so small and stupid to be upset about in hindsight. i wanna go back to when that was what was taking up my head. i feel so numb. i honestly didn’t even wanna make this post because saying it makes it true, but i need to tell somebody. i have no one to talk to about this.

my only friend on discord treats me like trash and is so obviously done with me even though i keep trying to reconnect and maintain some form of friendship. i’ve been ia for two months and they haven’t even bothered checking in. i’m always the one who initiates, always asking how they’re doing, about their hobbies, their new interests. i’m at the lowest place on their list of interests or concern.

my older sister’s busy with her in-laws. her husband’s mom had a stroke so she’s spending all her time at the hospital. and i’m so fucking selfish and bitter because i wish she would’ve at least tried to come over when i got the news. she’s the only family i have around here. besides my brother and little sister. but they’re grieving too. in their own way. it just makes me feel so alone. utterly alone. i have nobody. my only person was my dad. he was the one i went to for comfort.

the first few days all i did was cry. and pee. maybe that’s tmi but i had to go to the bathroom every five minutes. i think it sticks with me because i’d be sobbing and hyperventilating and then i’d have to calm down just to use the toilet. maybe because it reminded me i’m still alive. i still have to do normal things. that even when hes gone my body wants to live.

i just keep trying not to think about it now. i think i’ve gone fully numb because i don’t even cry anymore. but then i start to feel guilty, because what kind of daughter doesn’t cry when it hasn’t even been a week… i just pretend it hasn’t happened. maybe it’s easy since he’s been in and out of the hospital or a care facility since january. i just have to keep telling myself he’s there, and it’s just been a while since we visited.

even now, when i hear my brother’s phone ring, my heart drops because i think it’s the hospital or the staff calling about dad. that they’re about to give the worst news of my life… and then i remember… they already did that.

maybe i’m in full-blown denial or maybe a part of me has accepted it. but i think i’m scared of admitting that, because it’ll make it true. that he won’t be coming back. he’s gone. just gone like that.

i didn’t even get to say goodbye. the last conversation we had was him being so confused, and he just yelled at me to get out because he wanted me to get water to put in his bed. he was so confused and wouldn’t listen no matter how much i or everyone around told him he was at the hospital. i didn’t even hug him when we left. my nephew was just in the room staring at me, and i felt awkward showing affection in front of people. so i didn’t hug him. i always did when i was the last person in the room. i wish my nephew would’ve just left instead of staring at me saying goodbye. or maybe it’s easier to blame him instead of myself. to acknowledge what a horrible person i am.

all i’ve done the past 3 days, once i finally slipped into whatever stage this is, is clean and watch video game playthroughs. i don’t wanna be alone in my thoughts. i need to just be online. to be immersed as much as i can in some completely different topic. i think i’m just living in an alternate reality.

i’m such a horrible and selfish person. how can i just be going about my day and doing things he’ll never get to do ever again? i feel like a parasite.

Entry tags:

rant,
vent

ok im done venting...jk

also im sorry that my past few posts and probably my next ones are so negative and personal and just super complainey..but i literally cant vent to anybody irl now. the one friend i had called me stress when i wanted to reconnect lol and basically said i put way too much on them, and fair..but it wasnt one sided. but anyways i dont wanna burden them even more so i just dont really talk to them anymore and i obviously cant talk to my family.... i cant even talk to my older sisters lol. they take my brothers side all the while claiming there are no sides. but every single time i voice any frustration over him and its level headed..not like in this post, i make it sound like an essay and so formal bc i feel awkward letting them see the "real me" yet they still respond telling me "hes stressed". its all they go on on and about "hes really stressed", "he has a lot going on" like i get it!!!!!! im stressed too! im going through the exact same shit as him !!! but i have to be bigger the person..i have to be the one who just deals with his mood and take the brunt of it.

and honestly the more and more they go on about how stressed he is and how its okay for him to act like this bc of it..i become desensitized to it. i dont care anymore, honestly.its lost all meaning to me. my empathy has weaned so much like i am a much bitchier person now. its really hard to make myself see it from his side when everybody just uses it as a justification and crutch for his behavior.

and like this is so struggle olympics and narcissistic but idc anymore....what about me??? why cant they defend me immediately when he talks shit abt me to them (which i know for a fact he does.they tell me or i overhear since he does it when im in the room right next door) like do they ever tell him, "why dont u see it from riyahs side?" "riyahs under a lotta stress..thats why she doesnt wann fcking clean every single day". nooooooo. bc hes the good guy. hes so kind and good for taking us in. and hes older so i just have to obey and listen,

its fcking hell being the "baby" of this family..like they go on and on abt how im not a kid anymore and that i need to grow up bc of my social anxiety yet they still treat me like a kid! i cant ever overstep and say my piece without them talking down on me and invaliding my feelings. im not even allowed to have feelings in this family. its wrong! everything about me is wrong! wrong wrong wrong

okay let me calm down,,,,all that to say, this is why im venting so much on here. i need to get it out somewhere and this is the only scmd i have tht just belongs to me..so im sorry.

Entry tags:

trauma dump..we need to get out

( You're about to view content that the journal owner has advised should be viewed with discretion. )

Current Mood: reminiscing
Current Location: im back in my childhood bedroom..for just one more time
Current Music: dreamer acoustic ver

Entry tags:

back when love was simple

childhood memories. the one halloween when my sister and i played in the living room all day, and my dad and grandpa photographed us nonstop. i was a witch, and my sister was the blue monster from monsters inc.... sulley? i don’t know why i remember this so clearly, why it sticks with me. it wasn’t anything extraordinary, but it felt special. i wasn’t shy in front of the camera. i felt free. the love coming out of my dad and grandpa’s eyes so apparent. for once, i didn’t question it. i must’ve been 7 or 8, but the memory’s still there, vivid, like it was yesterday.

going to my older brother's townhome complex just to sneak into his community pool. i usually hated it when it was crowded, but there was one summer day when it was the fullest i’d ever seen it, and yet it’s the day i’m most fond of. i made friends with the local kids... lied that i lived there, too. pretending to be someone else. it was easy to talk to them.

donut holes with our dad every saturday. i always got a strawberry milk, and my little sister chocolate. always opposites of each other.

the trips to huntington beach in the summer... getting sprayed down with cold water at the shower stands. my dad caring for me, washing off the sand, making me feel protected, loved. mcdonald's on the way home, always the happy meals. mine was a hamburger with everything, because i loved the onions, even though i hated the mustard and pickles. my sister got chicken nuggets or a plain cheeseburger.

kidzbop cds. so many of them. they filled the door compartments on all four seats. we played them on the way to the beach and school. sos and with love on repeat.

the weekends spent with my cousins. one of them my exact age, the other a little younger than my sister. it felt like we were always meant to be close, like i’d been born with a friend already. me and lexie would make potions out of orange juice, dish soap, and whatever else we could get our tiny, grubby hands on, then spray them on every plant we could find in the backyard. "we’re healing them," we’d laugh.

the walks around my neighborhood. eating a family-sized bag of hot cheetos because, in the naivety that only a child could have, we got it in our heads—based on the ads on the bag—that we’d get $1,000 if we ate the entire thing in one sitting. our tongues and fingers stained bright, fiery red. mouths burning. but content. laughter filling the air.

the smell of charcoal and bbq that always reminded me of the beach. going down those concrete steps at the side of my house to see what my dad or brother was grilling. peeling piping-hot potatoes for grandpa's salad. my older sister danielle helping me... our hands bright pink, mine shaking from the burn, but hers never faltered. her hands had been hardened by years of doing this for us, the heat never fazing her. all out of love.

washing dishes for my grandpa. grabbing all my hand-me-down barbie dolls and pretending they had mermaid tails, throwing them into the sudsy water.

it all felt so endless back then. i didn’t realize i’d spend the rest of my life looking back, yearning, mourning—just for one more moment like that. just one more.

Current Mood: yearning for the past
Current Music: deja vu by txt

Entry tags:

Somewhere Deep Down, I Am Still Her… Let Me Be Her

I feel like there are two versions of me—a me before my dad got sick and a me after. And it happened in 5th grade. I used to be talkative. Still really shy—I hid when family came over, cried in kindergarten longer than the other kids, stayed quiet around adults, always cautious. But I was still more alive than I am now.

I had childhood best friends. We were just in elementary school, but it felt like we were already teenagers. Sleepovers every weekend. Sneaking outside at night. Ditching school. We had those stupid, messy three-way friendship fights, and I was always in the middle—the messenger. I had friends in school. I hung out with my cousins every single weekend. I did the talent show. I raised my hand to present first just to get it over with. I sang so loud and proudly during those holiday performances. I was good in class but still loud sometimes. I wasn’t afraid to take up space.

Then my dad got sick in 5th grade. And I think something in me just... shut off. I stopped connecting with people. I started hiding, not just from family but from everyone. I self-isolated without even knowing what that was. I just... stopped talking. Then middle school came, and I was truly alone. And I’ve been alone ever since. Friendless. A Loner. Stuck inside my own head with this awful, debilitating social anxiety.

I want the old me back. I forgot I was even like that. It feels like another lifetime, like a version of me that never even existed. How pathetic is it that my goal in life is to be like my childhood self in my 20s? I miss her. I want to go back. Oh, I want to go back. Please, let me go back.

Entry tags:

rant

rant abt writers in my fandom :/

i follow writers in *** fandom and i all the time see them “voicing their frustration”(aka talking shit) on the characterization on certain ships and members and it just makes me :(((( bc i actually like some of them and prolly would do something similar & now im scared that if i post a work they're all gonna laugh abt how awful it was in gcs....

kinda wish authors and writers on twt, dw, or just any social media platform realized the author ur currently talking shit about may see it....or someone who writes something similar will see it and think its abt them.

just idk...maybe not be so negative and rude ?? also its kpop fic....there is no correct way to write them?? like it's all fictional anyway so idk maybe dont judge the others way do it. if you have a problem with certain characterization just make ur own...no need to talk shit abt others

really,,,I've been seeing it ever since I "joined" [redacted] ficdom and it completely discourages me from ever posting anything public now.

esp since the main culprit doing this is extremely active in my main pairing :( i dont think ill ever post anythung in fear that they'll read it and talk shit abt it. ~~Ao3 let me be able to block specific users from viewing my works pls </3~~

in conclusion: can writers in *** fandom stop acting like mean high school girls and just let ppl write the way they want please and thank you

Current Mood: stressed

Entry tags:

diary,
vent

lmao life said fck this girl in particular (a lengthy and v personal diary)

tw// drugs, mention of death, just overall unpleasant feelings

ah will you look at that, another diary entry bc my life is complete shit rn. i promise i'll actually get to writing a story...just when im in a better place mentally and literally.

since i am treating this site as a public diary (though I'm 99% sure no one has even come across this) might as well go into the nitty-gritty details of my life. i will probably—no most definitely— regret bearing my broken soul to strangers on the internet, but currently, i could care less. at this point in my life, i will just straight-up sob in public. i have gone past caring or frankly giving a fuck.

ok that's enough of an intro. let's just go right in what aspired the past month and why im honestly halfway into the grave. that comes off jokingly but with coping humor, there’s always truth behind it.

my father has A LOT of health issues. so that's why its not that strange for him to end up in the hospital for a couple of days every year or so. and well that happened again this month. but something about this time...just was different. made me more anxious, more scared. maybe because of covid or maybe it was just the ptsd of the last time my family member was in the hospital they ended up dying. i just know i was freaking tf out even though I tried to not show it. i guess i didn't do a good enough job of that because my older brother seemed to notice and started looking out for me more. i.e. making sure i eat, texting to check up when he’s at work, comforting me with "he’s going to be okay" speeches. what a lovely brother, right?

now back to my dad. he was in the hospital for about 6 days—turns out he was bleeding internally—and he finally gets to come home at 2 or 3 in the morning. and well that joy and relief quickly left because i woke up hours later to screaming and banging.

turns out all the while my dearest brother was playing the "nice and supportive" older brother role. he drove all the way to my dad's hospital, found his car in the parking lot and proceeded to break open the glove box and steal my dad's prescription medicine. medicine that my father needs to fucking live.

and when presented with this, what does he do? he gets right in my dad's face and tells him to "gtf outta my house" before punching a wall because oh hes a manly man.

i told my dad to file a police report because i don't care whether he’s "blood" or not, he needs to be punished for that. i mean, that's a fucking felony. but my dad is refusing too and the doctors won’t give him a refill so looks like im just going to have to wait for him to end up being in the fucking hospital on the verge of a heart attack to get it. so yeah. that's one stressor.

and then back to my brother. he had decided to just give my dad, my sister, and i the silent treatment because somehow we're the people in the wrong here. won’t even apologize or anything. though he didn't deny it either so...

as you can imagine the atmosphere of the house is hmmm how do you say?? tense, livid, awkward, anxious, and just a hint of sadness. and to think most of those emotions are coming straight from me. my brother doesn't even have the decency to act ashamed. he’s just going about his freaking businesses without a care.

and that's why im moving :) with no plan nor money and two cats and in the middle of a pandemic. it's just fantastic !!

and then number 3 stressor because life was like hey see this girl who is laying in the middle of the street after getting hit by a semi, yeah let's just throw something out of the sky on top of her for good measure. my brother came into contact with someone who has covid —and a very bad case might i add—and now there is a high possibility my at high-risk dad has it. but you know what my brother clearly doesn't care about my dads life so im not that surprised.

so my life is just freaking peachy.

i seriously can’t handle one more setback. and i don’t know what I'll do when my dad has a fucking heart attack because my selfish drug addict of a brother took all 20 fucking pills of his medicine.

I know other people have it far worse. I know that—trust me. ive been telling myself all week "at least you have pets. at least you have running water. at least you haven't been physically harmed ". but im just a week person. this is all too much for me to handle. all too fast; all happening at once. i can't.

i have bad anxiety generally. but for the first time i was physically sick from it. i spent 10 minutes dry heaving in the car on the morning of the "fight" or whatever tf you call it. i feel like im going to pass out and feeling this unwell at this time is no bueno because now im worrying these might be symptoms of covid.

so yeah im not sure where to close this off at. i wish I could just be like "oh my brother tested negative! my dad got a refill and i have a permanent place to live!!" but that will most likely not happen. but hey, since imo life has been shit to me since 4 yrs old with constant bad news maybe the whatever you believe in will take pity on me and make things easier. but I doubt it.

anyways i guess this is goodbye. if my dad does somehow get the medicine without having a health emergency maybe i can focus on writing bc i am currently in 3 major brainrots.

and if he doesn't...well I don’t know what ill do.

Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: TXT - ghosting

Entry tags:

disappeared like a faint ghost [journal]

do you know those off days? when you wake up and immediately feel wrong and out of place. when you’re on the brink of tears the whole day for absolutely no reason, no reason to be this upset. because that was my day today.

it started as soon as i woke up around 10:00 am...going into the kitchen to make my morning coffee and maybe grab a light snack. i just felt sad and i mean that's not very unusual for me, but this feeling was just different. more intense. everything and anything was aggravating this emotion. going on twtiter, youtube, netflix, even here. all the platforms i use to get away and feel just a hint of happiness were now doing the exact opposite.

anyway, i spent the entire day with this feeling and i couldn't put my finger on exactly what it was until at night.

it's loneliness. i'm fucking lonely.

and it’s not very difficult to imagine why. i pretty much ghosted everyone for the past year. online friends, old high school friends, neighborhood kids, even my own family. It’s been at least six months since the last time i talked to any of my older sisters and nieces—who i once talked to every week.

i wish i could give a reason as to why i did that. but truly...i don’t know. i never even meant for it to happen. first, it just started with replying to a dm a day late but then pretty soon that stretched to a week and then to a month and now it’s been almost 4 months since i answered a single one. I guess apart of me is embarrassed...to reach out again after months of just being silent. but then if i never reach out...how am i supposed to continue a friendship with that person?

I just feel so stupid...because i was the one who withdrew and never texted back so why tf am i so upset i have no friends anymore. like dumb bitch it's your own doing !!

and i think not talking to anybody has badly affected me...probably the reason why my depression and social anxiety are through the roof. I mean, it just can’t be healthy to not talk to anybody for a year. like no wonder i feel so messed up.

i’m tired of feeling like this—of getting jealous when i see others interact on my tl, of getting jealous at friend groups in movies. it’s honestly pathetic.

but i don’t know how to change this. how do you un-withdraw yourself? do i just message friends, “hey sorry i completely ghosted you for half a year hahaha was just not doing good. anyways how are you? lol”. if i was on the receiving end i probably wouldn’t want to talk to that person anymore period. I would have already moved on and forgot about them.

so now i feel like i have no choice but to continue being like this. to continue isolating myself and act like it’s not affecting me.

i just feel stuck.

and it’s pretty ironic that one of my favorite txt songs is “ghosting” bc i appear to be the queen at that. reading the lyrics...i can’t help but wonder if that’s how my friends felt. i hope not.

i don’t really know where im going with this. i guess i wanted to let out my thoughts to someone. If anybody surprisingly stumbles upon this and reads it.

Current Music: TXT- f2020 (avenue beat cover)

Entry tags:

lowkey fck 2020

tw // death, disordered eating, mention of weight

so here i am, writing this journal entry at my bedroom desk while nursing an iced coffee with keshi softly playing in the background, waiting for the clock to strike 12:00.

i guess to start this off I'll say in retrospect, 2020 was not that unkind to me. i am very blessed to say that so far nobody in my immediate family has tested positive for covid (though like most angelenos—everyone thinks they already had it back in late dec 2019) and that thankfully i know of nobody personally that has passed away due to it.

with that compared to events that occurred last year(i.e. losing my grandfather and dog an exact month from each other and then having to move from my childhood home) this year is definitely better for me...at least on the surface.

but in a weird way...i think im doing mentally worse. to put it in a very badly worded analogue...last year it felt like i was abruptly pushed into the freezing sea and every time i got my footing together—when i thought things were getting even slightly better— waves crashed over my head and pulled me back under until i finally managed to resurface to the top, where i just floated in the vast emptiness. fast forward to months later where ive been drifting aimlessly with droplets of water gradually slipping into my lungs unknowingly. my body not even noticing until one particularly bad night and suddenly it's all i can feel. slowly drowning. not having any clue as to how to stop it.

2019 was an intense and raw pain that I felt every minute, every second of the day for months. on the other hand 2020 was a dull ache in my bones, something that i got so accustomed to, i didn’t even realize it was there until one day it wasn’t..and when it came back soon after it was impossible to not notice or feel it.

its strange bc i didn't even register how bad my depression was until i overheard my dad discussing it with my aunt. and what really put it in perspective was when i went to the beach( aka was dragged) and a random man came up to me and asked how I was doing before giving me a self-help card. how bad did i have to look irl that a stranger chose me outta all the people in the beach to give that too...

and since im already putting so much of my personal life out there..might as well as come out and say i pretty much relapsed back into disordered eating + dangerous "diet" methods.(although i don’t know if you can even call it a relapse bc that requires recovering..which ive never did. doubt i ever will). it's kinda funny—in that chuckling before crying kinda way—how I went from being at my lowest weight in January to now the heaviest I've ever been in my life. you can drastically change in just 12 months huh. ive gotten better at addressing it at least, to admitting i do have a problem—even tried to open up to a friend for the first time. still, even now it feels weird to talk about... notice i can't even say the actual words or specifically say what i do.

but yeah like i said...just not doing good this year. but is anybody doing that well in 2020? i think this whole pandemic had a hit on everyone's mental health.

but with the vaccine now slowly coming out to the general public i hope that makes things more controllable and easier. who knows...maybe we'll be able to finally have concerts again in 2021.

you know I don’t have many wishes for 2021 besides getting healthy and happy, but like txt choi beomgyu said...that's one of the hardest goals to accomplish. something that seems so small and minuscule but i can't remember the last time i was any one of those things. 5 years ago? 6? honesty I don't know.

anyways this is getting way too long...here’s to hoping for better and brighter things in 2021!

i'll close this journal off with my favorite verse from txt's cover of f2020.

tomorrow i want to lift my head up as much as i can
not at the ceiling but the sky
i want to shout
"everyone, you had it rough"
goodbye 2020
cr.translatingtxt

Current Mood: blank

Entry tags:

permanent brain fog [vent]

just a little venting diary entry since I don't really have anywhere else to voice my thoughts.

but boy am i struggling,,,with thinking out of all things. like you know that whole meme "no thoughts head empty "? yeah, that's been me for the past year.

i think something may seriously be wrong with my brain or something bc i literally can't think....

every time i try to focus on one subject...my mind just pulls up blanks. i thought it was because i haven't been sleeping well for the past..well honesty year...but here i am- loaded on caffeine from 3 iced coffees and a cup of tea for good measure- and nada. i can't think past the basic level of anything.

it's like there's this fog or haze over everything i do. i genuinely can't remember what i have done all day... i don't remember what i had for breakfast (or even if i ate it), dont remember if i went outside or not, i just don't remember anything that i may have gotten up to throughout the day.

i'm kinda getting worried bc it's been like this the past year? only it's gotten much worse the past 2 months or so.

i tried talking to my sister about it, but even then i can't seem to put it into words. i doubt i'm making any sense here.

ugh, i just feel...drained. which makes absolutely no sense since all I've done is lay around.

the whole reason i wanted to start writing again was because of this. figured it would somehow "awake " my brain and i'd be able to get out of this funk. but how am i supposed to write when i can't even think clearly? the two go hand in hand together smh.

anyway if this doesn't get any better in the next coming weeks i think I'll make a doctors appointment. i don't wanna continue feeling like this. it's getting in the way of everything.

hopefully, the next time you hear from me, i'll be making articulate full sentences.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: BIBI - BINU

Entry tags:

here goes nothing...

Hello, people of Dreamwidth! It's my first time using a blogging/journal site like this...so crossing my fingers that my format is somewhat decent.

I made this account after seeing so many talented authors in my fandom do the same. What can I say I like to follow trends lol.

Honestly not too sure what I'll end up posting on here. My obvious goal would be to upload drabbles or one shots, but in order to do that, I'd have to actually write. Which probably won't happen knowing my lazy and procrastinating self.

So I guess I'll settle with using this as a diary right now. Just posting all kinds of rants and brainrots (the current one being: bay area boy yeonjun & mark. you should expect a long post about that in the next coming weeks).

Normally I use Twitter drafts to do this but uhh as well all know...twitter isn't the most friendly or welcoming space. So I hope the new change of scenery will inspire and motivate me of sorts to start writing again.

The last time I wrote a full fanfic work was the summer of 2016. So saying I am rusty would be an understatement.

My fandoms have also changed (+ grown) since that time of my life so I'm excited yet nervous to write for new ones. In the past, I only wrote exo and bts works, but now I plan on writing for txt, nct, stray kids, and the 100(tv show).

I'd say I'm definitely the most comfortable with my attempts at writing txt since they've been my ult since June 2019. And hmmm the most nervous about stray kids. Although I've been a casual stan of them since hellavator was released..they didn't become one of my ults until double knot last year. And even with that, I don't interact with the fandom very much so I'm quite worried about writing the boys. I'm not sure the way I'll do it will be liked by the fandom. Hoping the practice I do on here will encourage me to eventually post on ao3.

But yeah...I think that's all I wanna say. If you've made it this far, thanks for reading! And these are my scmd accs if you wanna become mutuals :). Ngl I really suck at dms so let that be a warning...I'm so awkward with replies :/

twt:seasidefics
ao3:seasidefics
insta:wanderlustjinnie (im the least active on here)