some more ramblings and venting
Jun. 2nd, 2025 01:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seasideficsso literally right after i was raving about those black bean burgers, my brother went into the mini fridge in the "game room", where i keep most of my stuff since anything in the big fridge gets eaten, and threw them out. i had four left... he tossed them during one of his weekly manic cleaning episodes. usually, he asks if I want to keep something, but this time he didn’t. i only found out when i went to grab one for dinner and they were just gone. it really pisses me off. and feels very triggering.
i have been struggling so heavily with binging the last 2 yrs on and off and i had finally felt some resemblance of control back in my life bc i got back to tracking my food and he just took that away from me. i knew the exact ingredients and measurements in them. i cant say that about any other homemade food in the house. it just makes me feel like whats even the point in trying to restrict when he just throws out all my safe food? i'd understand if they were in there for a month,,but i had just made them! god im getting pissed again. it really just pushed the fact that he has control over my entire life into my mind. even if thats not completely true or logical. its how it feels.
hes talking abt wanting to sell my dads things..mainly medical equipment, which you cant even do so i just let him talk and figure that out himself. but his fcking tone...he was so giddy. he couldn't make it more obvious that he only sees my dad as a financial opportunity and not even a human being. he was all, "oh wow one oxygen tank sells for $200..we have at least 2k worth!". its so gross. i find him disgusting. even in death my dad is not respected.
i vented abt it to my older sis and she basically kinda excused it (in a nice way at least.. can’t say that about other sister) and chopped it up to him being a guy. she does that a lot and idk how to feel bc in one way i’m like yes! she hates men just like me! /s but then she’s kinda “boys will be boys” mindset and just generalizes everybody together. but at least i have someone where i can complain abt men and she’s not all “not all men.”
which reminds me of an awkward and uncomfortable talk i had with my brother. he thought my younger sis was talking to guys since she’s been on the phone more and was gonna go on that kbbq date, and like,even after i told him she’s not ready for that stuff and it was a girl, he still went on this whole spiel about how he’s worried about her meeting up with a guy because he “knows how men think” and that he’s actually “one of the good guys.” and it just made me so uncomfortable. like... i don’t wanna be reminded that you’re a man, especially like that. and honestly, if you have to brag about being a “nice guy,” you probably aren’t. and if you know the “bad ones” so well, why are you still friends with them? why aren’t you calling them out?
i never felt like this living with my dad and grandpa. like i was raised with two men so i struggle a lot with not feeling feminine enough in my mannerisms and appearance even. i wont unpack all of that here but..idk. i never actively thought abt my dad and grandpa being men. yk. and it just makes me go like, wow hes perceiving me as a full grown woman and i don't like it..does that make sense? maybe since i have overheard how he talks abt woman and its very gross.
i think i struggle a lot with that..with acknowledging that i am fully grown and an adult now. i don't like how people treat me after i turned 18. and i struggle with my sexuality and think i might be asexual so i just dont like this topic talked abt with me and myself. im not explaining myself well but oh well. i guess my family is right that i act like a "kid" in that regard.
that older sister also said my younger sis is much more social than me, and while it's true and i've literally said that myself,,, it hurt my feelings lol. like damn, i'm really just a lost cause, huh? and like, within the text she said she likes talking to my younger sis, so it feels like she meant she doesn't like doing that with me. and that might be true... i don't actively try to talk to her like my younger sis does. so it's really only my fault. i need to get better at that, push myself to talk to them at least, but i just close up and can't get words to come outta my mouth when they try.
anyways, on more positive-ish things. which, btw, i'm sorry (but also kinda not) for being so negative and just venting 24/7... i really don't have another place to do it. any physical diaries will get snooped in, and on my other scmds i have more followers, and i don't wanna bombard the tl with all of this. this feels safe.
i got a lip stain at marshalls. which most people probably think is no big deal lol, but it made me happy. i haven’t worn makeup since middle school, and even then it was just horrible blue eyeshadow and mascara, all hand-me-downs from probably the 90s from my older sisters. i have a weird thing with makeup... i never really wore it besides like i said above, so i feel kinda naked when i do wear it, yk? it makes me uncomfortable since i feel like everyone’s looking at me. but i kinda wanna look cute nowadays, and i looked healthier with it on. genuinely lol. that’s how pale my lips are... they’re like naturally white now. maybe from lack of sun and dehydration.
i’ve been writing too. i found all my old notebooks from 2015 to 2020, so all my old drafts are there... so many txt fic ideas, and it makes me Sad since they were such babies in that period. like i had a whole rock band idea during the puma era! before they even had loser=lover and ikily era... i was so ahead of my time. i’ve been adding to them and kinda wanna upload, but like, the ages are weird since they’re all set in 2020-ish. and i don’t wanna change that, but then it feels weird to write them that young. hmm. we’ll see.
which, speaking of babies, i’ve fallen so endeared with nct wish! like those are my sons! they are so cute! they’re so refreshing! they make kpop fun again! my sister really likes them too. her son is jaehee and mine is sion <3 mr ijbol... they genuinely make me so happy. they just feel like good kids, yk? their dynamic is so different from txt and what i’m used to, tbh. and i really relate to how introverted and reserved they are, so i realllly felt for them during the whole radio fiasco. the world really treats quiet ppl horribly, like bro.
i have been struggling so heavily with binging the last 2 yrs on and off and i had finally felt some resemblance of control back in my life bc i got back to tracking my food and he just took that away from me. i knew the exact ingredients and measurements in them. i cant say that about any other homemade food in the house. it just makes me feel like whats even the point in trying to restrict when he just throws out all my safe food? i'd understand if they were in there for a month,,but i had just made them! god im getting pissed again. it really just pushed the fact that he has control over my entire life into my mind. even if thats not completely true or logical. its how it feels.
hes talking abt wanting to sell my dads things..mainly medical equipment, which you cant even do so i just let him talk and figure that out himself. but his fcking tone...he was so giddy. he couldn't make it more obvious that he only sees my dad as a financial opportunity and not even a human being. he was all, "oh wow one oxygen tank sells for $200..we have at least 2k worth!". its so gross. i find him disgusting. even in death my dad is not respected.
i vented abt it to my older sis and she basically kinda excused it (in a nice way at least.. can’t say that about other sister) and chopped it up to him being a guy. she does that a lot and idk how to feel bc in one way i’m like yes! she hates men just like me! /s but then she’s kinda “boys will be boys” mindset and just generalizes everybody together. but at least i have someone where i can complain abt men and she’s not all “not all men.”
which reminds me of an awkward and uncomfortable talk i had with my brother. he thought my younger sis was talking to guys since she’s been on the phone more and was gonna go on that kbbq date, and like,even after i told him she’s not ready for that stuff and it was a girl, he still went on this whole spiel about how he’s worried about her meeting up with a guy because he “knows how men think” and that he’s actually “one of the good guys.” and it just made me so uncomfortable. like... i don’t wanna be reminded that you’re a man, especially like that. and honestly, if you have to brag about being a “nice guy,” you probably aren’t. and if you know the “bad ones” so well, why are you still friends with them? why aren’t you calling them out?
i never felt like this living with my dad and grandpa. like i was raised with two men so i struggle a lot with not feeling feminine enough in my mannerisms and appearance even. i wont unpack all of that here but..idk. i never actively thought abt my dad and grandpa being men. yk. and it just makes me go like, wow hes perceiving me as a full grown woman and i don't like it..does that make sense? maybe since i have overheard how he talks abt woman and its very gross.
i think i struggle a lot with that..with acknowledging that i am fully grown and an adult now. i don't like how people treat me after i turned 18. and i struggle with my sexuality and think i might be asexual so i just dont like this topic talked abt with me and myself. im not explaining myself well but oh well. i guess my family is right that i act like a "kid" in that regard.
that older sister also said my younger sis is much more social than me, and while it's true and i've literally said that myself,,, it hurt my feelings lol. like damn, i'm really just a lost cause, huh? and like, within the text she said she likes talking to my younger sis, so it feels like she meant she doesn't like doing that with me. and that might be true... i don't actively try to talk to her like my younger sis does. so it's really only my fault. i need to get better at that, push myself to talk to them at least, but i just close up and can't get words to come outta my mouth when they try.
➳
anyways, on more positive-ish things. which, btw, i'm sorry (but also kinda not) for being so negative and just venting 24/7... i really don't have another place to do it. any physical diaries will get snooped in, and on my other scmds i have more followers, and i don't wanna bombard the tl with all of this. this feels safe.
i got a lip stain at marshalls. which most people probably think is no big deal lol, but it made me happy. i haven’t worn makeup since middle school, and even then it was just horrible blue eyeshadow and mascara, all hand-me-downs from probably the 90s from my older sisters. i have a weird thing with makeup... i never really wore it besides like i said above, so i feel kinda naked when i do wear it, yk? it makes me uncomfortable since i feel like everyone’s looking at me. but i kinda wanna look cute nowadays, and i looked healthier with it on. genuinely lol. that’s how pale my lips are... they’re like naturally white now. maybe from lack of sun and dehydration.
i’ve been writing too. i found all my old notebooks from 2015 to 2020, so all my old drafts are there... so many txt fic ideas, and it makes me Sad since they were such babies in that period. like i had a whole rock band idea during the puma era! before they even had loser=lover and ikily era... i was so ahead of my time. i’ve been adding to them and kinda wanna upload, but like, the ages are weird since they’re all set in 2020-ish. and i don’t wanna change that, but then it feels weird to write them that young. hmm. we’ll see.
which, speaking of babies, i’ve fallen so endeared with nct wish! like those are my sons! they are so cute! they’re so refreshing! they make kpop fun again! my sister really likes them too. her son is jaehee and mine is sion <3 mr ijbol... they genuinely make me so happy. they just feel like good kids, yk? their dynamic is so different from txt and what i’m used to, tbh. and i really relate to how introverted and reserved they are, so i realllly felt for them during the whole radio fiasco. the world really treats quiet ppl horribly, like bro.
