rubbed raw
May. 5th, 2025 03:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seasideficsmy dad passed on the 29th. i was just venting a few days ago about my nephew having friends over and now that feels so small and stupid to be upset about in hindsight. i wanna go back to when that was what was taking up my head. i feel so numb. i honestly didn’t even wanna make this post because saying it makes it true, but i need to tell somebody. i have no one to talk to about this.
my only friend on discord treats me like trash and is so obviously done with me even though i keep trying to reconnect and maintain some form of friendship. i’ve been ia for two months and they haven’t even bothered checking in. i’m always the one who initiates, always asking how they’re doing, about their hobbies, their new interests. i’m at the lowest place on their list of interests or concern.
my older sister’s busy with her in-laws. her husband’s mom had a stroke so she’s spending all her time at the hospital. and i’m so fucking selfish and bitter because i wish she would’ve at least tried to come over when i got the news. she’s the only family i have around here. besides my brother and little sister. but they’re grieving too. in their own way. it just makes me feel so alone. utterly alone. i have nobody. my only person was my dad. he was the one i went to for comfort.
the first few days all i did was cry. and pee. maybe that’s tmi but i had to go to the bathroom every five minutes. i think it sticks with me because i’d be sobbing and hyperventilating and then i’d have to calm down just to use the toilet. maybe because it reminded me i’m still alive. i still have to do normal things. that even when hes gone my body wants to live.
i just keep trying not to think about it now. i think i’ve gone fully numb because i don’t even cry anymore. but then i start to feel guilty, because what kind of daughter doesn’t cry when it hasn’t even been a week… i just pretend it hasn’t happened. maybe it’s easy since he’s been in and out of the hospital or a care facility since january. i just have to keep telling myself he’s there, and it’s just been a while since we visited.
even now, when i hear my brother’s phone ring, my heart drops because i think it’s the hospital or the staff calling about dad. that they’re about to give the worst news of my life… and then i remember… they already did that.
maybe i’m in full-blown denial or maybe a part of me has accepted it. but i think i’m scared of admitting that, because it’ll make it true. that he won’t be coming back. he’s gone. just gone like that.
i didn’t even get to say goodbye. the last conversation we had was him being so confused, and he just yelled at me to get out because he wanted me to get water to put in his bed. he was so confused and wouldn’t listen no matter how much i or everyone around told him he was at the hospital. i didn’t even hug him when we left. my nephew was just in the room staring at me, and i felt awkward showing affection in front of people. so i didn’t hug him. i always did when i was the last person in the room. i wish my nephew would’ve just left instead of staring at me saying goodbye. or maybe it’s easier to blame him instead of myself. to acknowledge what a horrible person i am.
all i’ve done the past 3 days, once i finally slipped into whatever stage this is, is clean and watch video game playthroughs. i don’t wanna be alone in my thoughts. i need to just be online. to be immersed as much as i can in some completely different topic. i think i’m just living in an alternate reality.
i’m such a horrible and selfish person. how can i just be going about my day and doing things he’ll never get to do ever again? i feel like a parasite.
Thoughts
Date: 2025-05-06 01:53 am (UTC)My sympathies.
>> i was just venting a few days ago about my nephew having friends over and now that feels so small and stupid to be upset about in hindsight. i wanna go back to when that was what was taking up my head. <<
Yeah, that's rough.
>> i feel so numb. i honestly didn’t even wanna make this post because saying it makes it true, but i need to tell somebody. i have no one to talk to about this.<<
Really not a good situation. People need each other in hard times. If you don't have anyone in person, though, blog friends are still good for moral support even if they can't fill your freezer with heatable meals. I have a couple resources for this context:
Dealing with Grief
Grief Questionnaire
And here's a go-to resource:
Everything Is Awful and I'm Not Okay: questions to ask before giving up
>>my only friend on discord treats me like trash and is so obviously done with me even though i keep trying to reconnect and maintain some form of friendship.<<
That doesn't sound like a great friendship. :(
If you want to look for better friends here, it's Three Weeks for Dreamwidth so activity is high. There are also Add Me communities.
>> my older sister’s busy with her in-laws. her husband’s mom had a stroke so she’s spending all her time at the hospital. and i’m so fucking selfish and bitter because i wish she would’ve at least tried to come over when i got the news. she’s the only family i have around here.<<
It's hard when bad things gang up on you and there isn't enough time or energy to go around.
>> besides my brother and little sister. but they’re grieving too. in their own way. it just makes me feel so alone. utterly alone. i have nobody. my only person was my dad. he was the one i went to for comfort.<<
Comfort in, vent out. It helps to have people who aren't caught up in the same grief.
>>the first few days all i did was cry. and pee. maybe that’s tmi but i had to go to the bathroom every five minutes. i think it sticks with me because i’d be sobbing and hyperventilating and then i’d have to calm down just to use the toilet. maybe because it reminded me i’m still alive. i still have to do normal things. that even when hes gone my body wants to live.<<
That's normal. If you're still able to feel your body, then use that as an anchor. At least once a day, do something that feels good -- a bubblebath, a favorite meal, cuddling in a fuzzy blanket, walking in the park, etc.
>> i just keep trying not to think about it now.<<
Distraction is a valid coping skill, used in combination with others. You can't be at misery level 10 ALL the time. It will cycle in and out. It's okay to set it aside for a while, and work on grieving later.
>> i think i’ve gone fully numb because i don’t even cry anymore. but then i start to feel guilty, because what kind of daughter doesn’t cry when it hasn’t even been a week… <<
There is no timetable for grief. You feel what you feel. The ebb and flow of different feelings, including sadness and numbness, is normal.
Oh, and evil people have removed the grief exception for depression, now allowing only 2 weeks for mourning before it's counted as pathological depression. They are wrong, and vicious, so if anyone says that to you then ignore them. Grief is a normal part of the human experience and takes time to process.
>> maybe i’m in full-blown denial or maybe a part of me has accepted it. <<
People often experience both. A change that major can take a while to sink in, to become part of your life story. Sometimes timebinding helps, like making a scrapbook page for the funeral.
Years ago, a member of the community died suddenly, and everyone gathered for support. I spent the whole evening worrying that I was going to ask where he was, just out of sheer habit.
>> but i think i’m scared of admitting that, because it’ll make it true. that he won’t be coming back. he’s gone. just gone like that.<<
It hurts to be separated from people we love, but we don't stop loving them just because they aren't here now.
>> i didn’t even get to say goodbye. the last conversation we had was him being so confused, and he just yelled at me to get out because he wanted me to get water to put in his bed. <<
It's really hard when someone is dying not in their right mind. That can make it harder to process grief. But an awkward parting does not make you a horrible person. Nobody's going to handle that situation well.
>> all i’ve done the past 3 days, once i finally slipped into whatever stage this is, is clean and watch video game playthroughs. i don’t wanna be alone in my thoughts. i need to just be online. to be immersed as much as i can in some completely different topic. i think i’m just living in an alternate reality. <<
If that's what works for you now, give it a try for a while. Chances are you'll shift out of it and into something else. You'll still need to grieve, but that's a big project and you can't do it all at once.
>> i’m such a horrible and selfish person. how can i just be going about my day and doing things he’ll never get to do ever again? i feel like a parasite.<<
Because that's what happens when someone dies and you are still alive. You go on, and you do things, and you miss them. Once you work through the grief, which takes a while -- usually at least a year for a close relative -- then it gets to where you can remember the good times without crying over them so much. Grief and self-care are not selfish. They are necessary. Aim for self-compassion.
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Date: 2025-05-06 06:25 am (UTC)no subject
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