rubbed raw

[seasidefics]

my dad passed on the 29th. i was just venting a few days ago about my nephew having friends over and now that feels so small and stupid to be upset about in hindsight. i wanna go back to when that was what was taking up my head. i feel so numb. i honestly didn’t even wanna make this post because saying it makes it true, but i need to tell somebody. i have no one to talk to about this.

my only friend on discord treats me like trash and is so obviously done with me even though i keep trying to reconnect and maintain some form of friendship. i’ve been ia for two months and they haven’t even bothered checking in. i’m always the one who initiates, always asking how they’re doing, about their hobbies, their new interests. i’m at the lowest place on their list of interests or concern.

my older sister’s busy with her in-laws. her husband’s mom had a stroke so she’s spending all her time at the hospital. and i’m so fucking selfish and bitter because i wish she would’ve at least tried to come over when i got the news. she’s the only family i have around here. besides my brother and little sister. but they’re grieving too. in their own way. it just makes me feel so alone. utterly alone. i have nobody. my only person was my dad. he was the one i went to for comfort.

the first few days all i did was cry. and pee. maybe that’s tmi but i had to go to the bathroom every five minutes. i think it sticks with me because i’d be sobbing and hyperventilating and then i’d have to calm down just to use the toilet. maybe because it reminded me i’m still alive. i still have to do normal things. that even when hes gone my body wants to live.

i just keep trying not to think about it now. i think i’ve gone fully numb because i don’t even cry anymore. but then i start to feel guilty, because what kind of daughter doesn’t cry when it hasn’t even been a week… i just pretend it hasn’t happened. maybe it’s easy since he’s been in and out of the hospital or a care facility since january. i just have to keep telling myself he’s there, and it’s just been a while since we visited.

 

even now, when i hear my brother’s phone ring, my heart drops because i think it’s the hospital or the staff calling about dad. that they’re about to give the worst news of my life… and then i remember… they already did that.
 

maybe i’m in full-blown denial or maybe a part of me has accepted it. but i think i’m scared of admitting that, because it’ll make it true. that he won’t be coming back. he’s gone. just gone like that.

i didn’t even get to say goodbye. the last conversation we had was him being so confused, and he just yelled at me to get out because he wanted me to get water to put in his bed. he was so confused and wouldn’t listen no matter how much i or everyone around told him he was at the hospital. i didn’t even hug him when we left. my nephew was just in the room staring at me, and i felt awkward showing affection in front of people. so i didn’t hug him. i always did when i was the last person in the room. i wish my nephew would’ve just left instead of staring at me saying goodbye. or maybe it’s easier to blame him instead of myself. to acknowledge what a horrible person i am.

all i’ve done the past 3 days, once i finally slipped into whatever stage this is, is clean and watch video game playthroughs. i don’t wanna be alone in my thoughts. i need to just be online. to be immersed as much as i can in some completely different topic. i think i’m just living in an alternate reality.

i’m such a horrible and selfish person. how can i just be going about my day and doing things he’ll never get to do ever again? i feel like a parasite.