lowkey fck 2020
Dec. 31st, 2020 07:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seasideficstw // death, disordered eating, mention of weight
so here i am, writing this journal entry at my bedroom desk while nursing an iced coffee with keshi softly playing in the background, waiting for the clock to strike 12:00.
i guess to start this off I'll say in retrospect, 2020 was not that unkind to me. i am very blessed to say that so far nobody in my immediate family has tested positive for covid (though like most angelenos—everyone thinks they already had it back in late dec 2019) and that thankfully i know of nobody personally that has passed away due to it.
with that compared to events that occurred last year(i.e. losing my grandfather and dog an exact month from each other and then having to move from my childhood home) this year is definitely better for me...at least on the surface.
but in a weird way...i think im doing mentally worse. to put it in a very badly worded analogue...last year it felt like i was abruptly pushed into the freezing sea and every time i got my footing together—when i thought things were getting even slightly better— waves crashed over my head and pulled me back under until i finally managed to resurface to the top, where i just floated in the vast emptiness. fast forward to months later where ive been drifting aimlessly with droplets of water gradually slipping into my lungs unknowingly. my body not even noticing until one particularly bad night and suddenly it's all i can feel. slowly drowning. not having any clue as to how to stop it.
2019 was an intense and raw pain that I felt every minute, every second of the day for months. on the other hand 2020 was a dull ache in my bones, something that i got so accustomed to, i didn’t even realize it was there until one day it wasn’t..and when it came back soon after it was impossible to not notice or feel it.
its strange bc i didn't even register how bad my depression was until i overheard my dad discussing it with my aunt. and what really put it in perspective was when i went to the beach( aka was dragged) and a random man came up to me and asked how I was doing before giving me a self-help card. how bad did i have to look irl that a stranger chose me outta all the people in the beach to give that too...
and since im already putting so much of my personal life out there..might as well as come out and say i pretty much relapsed back into disordered eating + dangerous "diet" methods.(although i don’t know if you can even call it a relapse bc that requires recovering..which ive never did. doubt i ever will). it's kinda funny—in that chuckling before crying kinda way—how I went from being at my lowest weight in January to now the heaviest I've ever been in my life. you can drastically change in just 12 months huh. ive gotten better at addressing it at least, to admitting i do have a problem—even tried to open up to a friend for the first time. still, even now it feels weird to talk about... notice i can't even say the actual words or specifically say what i do.
but yeah like i said...just not doing good this year. but is anybody doing that well in 2020? i think this whole pandemic had a hit on everyone's mental health.
but with the vaccine now slowly coming out to the general public i hope that makes things more controllable and easier. who knows...maybe we'll be able to finally have concerts again in 2021.
you know I don’t have many wishes for 2021 besides getting healthy and happy, but like txt choi beomgyu said...that's one of the hardest goals to accomplish. something that seems so small and minuscule but i can't remember the last time i was any one of those things. 5 years ago? 6? honesty I don't know.
anyways this is getting way too long...here’s to hoping for better and brighter things in 2021!
i'll close this journal off with my favorite verse from txt's cover of f2020.
so here i am, writing this journal entry at my bedroom desk while nursing an iced coffee with keshi softly playing in the background, waiting for the clock to strike 12:00.
i guess to start this off I'll say in retrospect, 2020 was not that unkind to me. i am very blessed to say that so far nobody in my immediate family has tested positive for covid (though like most angelenos—everyone thinks they already had it back in late dec 2019) and that thankfully i know of nobody personally that has passed away due to it.
with that compared to events that occurred last year(i.e. losing my grandfather and dog an exact month from each other and then having to move from my childhood home) this year is definitely better for me...at least on the surface.
but in a weird way...i think im doing mentally worse. to put it in a very badly worded analogue...last year it felt like i was abruptly pushed into the freezing sea and every time i got my footing together—when i thought things were getting even slightly better— waves crashed over my head and pulled me back under until i finally managed to resurface to the top, where i just floated in the vast emptiness. fast forward to months later where ive been drifting aimlessly with droplets of water gradually slipping into my lungs unknowingly. my body not even noticing until one particularly bad night and suddenly it's all i can feel. slowly drowning. not having any clue as to how to stop it.
2019 was an intense and raw pain that I felt every minute, every second of the day for months. on the other hand 2020 was a dull ache in my bones, something that i got so accustomed to, i didn’t even realize it was there until one day it wasn’t..and when it came back soon after it was impossible to not notice or feel it.
its strange bc i didn't even register how bad my depression was until i overheard my dad discussing it with my aunt. and what really put it in perspective was when i went to the beach( aka was dragged) and a random man came up to me and asked how I was doing before giving me a self-help card. how bad did i have to look irl that a stranger chose me outta all the people in the beach to give that too...
and since im already putting so much of my personal life out there..might as well as come out and say i pretty much relapsed back into disordered eating + dangerous "diet" methods.(although i don’t know if you can even call it a relapse bc that requires recovering..which ive never did. doubt i ever will). it's kinda funny—in that chuckling before crying kinda way—how I went from being at my lowest weight in January to now the heaviest I've ever been in my life. you can drastically change in just 12 months huh. ive gotten better at addressing it at least, to admitting i do have a problem—even tried to open up to a friend for the first time. still, even now it feels weird to talk about... notice i can't even say the actual words or specifically say what i do.
but yeah like i said...just not doing good this year. but is anybody doing that well in 2020? i think this whole pandemic had a hit on everyone's mental health.
but with the vaccine now slowly coming out to the general public i hope that makes things more controllable and easier. who knows...maybe we'll be able to finally have concerts again in 2021.
you know I don’t have many wishes for 2021 besides getting healthy and happy, but like txt choi beomgyu said...that's one of the hardest goals to accomplish. something that seems so small and minuscule but i can't remember the last time i was any one of those things. 5 years ago? 6? honesty I don't know.
anyways this is getting way too long...here’s to hoping for better and brighter things in 2021!
i'll close this journal off with my favorite verse from txt's cover of f2020.
tomorrow i want to lift my head up as much as i can
not at the ceiling but the sky
i want to shout
"everyone, you had it rough"
goodbye 2020
cr.translatingtxt
not at the ceiling but the sky
i want to shout
"everyone, you had it rough"
goodbye 2020
cr.translatingtxt
