5/30/25 Riyah’s Random Thoughts and Ramblings

[seasidefics]

I think I have some form of insomnia. I can’t sleep until early in the morning now, like around 6 or 7 a.m., so I end up waking up in the afternoon, usually around 1 or 2. I know it’s annoying my brother and probably making him mad. I’m surprised he hasn’t actually scolded me yet, though he’s made a few small comments. I just can’t fall asleep at night. Part of it is because I’m stressing over the light. He has this weird thing, kind of a power trip, about the electricity. He swears his high bill is because of the low-wattage LED lights, not the fact that he runs the AC 24/7.

So now, he won’t turn on the security light outside when it gets dark, and that makes me incredibly anxious. It looks like no one’s home or awake at night, and we don’t live in a good neighborhood. It feels like we’re the perfect target. I used to turn the light back on right after he went to bed, but sometimes he’d come back downstairs and see it was on. Then he’d slam it off and do that aggravating passive-aggressive sigh.

Now I’ve figured out this ridiculous routine: I turn it on at 11 p.m. and stay up until 3:30, since that’s when he comes downstairs to get ready for work. I switch it off just before he comes down so he won’t see it was on all night. Then I wait until he actually leaves, around 4:30, and turn it back on. It’s exhausting, and I feel kind of insane. I probably am. I know he knows I like the light on. There have been a couple times I forgot to turn it off, and he came down and slammed it off again, same passive-aggressive vibe. And I know if I try to explain why I want it on, he would just launch into some “you need to stop being so scared of the world” lecture. Anyway, all that to say, I’m not getting good sleep.

➳

My sister was supposed to go to a KBBQ place today with someone she met on Bumble BFF. I was honestly worried, she just met this girl, and like… how do you even know if it’s actually a 20-year-old girl, you know? But she’d just call me controlling and paranoid, and… I mean, I am both of those things, so I kept my mouth shut. She ended up canceling anyway. I guess the nerves got to her.

But last night she was really stressing about it, especially because she can’t use chopsticks. She was talking to my brother and kind of joked that she hoped that meme is true, the one about them giving you a fork if you’re non-Asian/White. And he got all defensive and rude, strongly implying it was racist toward white people. Soooo, yeah. He is so exhausting to talk to. It just makes me uncomfortable. We’re completely different people, with totally different outlooks on life, politics, ideologies, and morals.

I remember when my sister got into The Fight with him, she told him she doesn’t feel safe opening up to him, and I get that now. Like, even if it’s a small, stupid worry about not being able to use chopsticks, he gets this really rude tone and talks like she’s stupid. It feels like he wants to argue, like he just has to disagree with any opinion we have. He’s so incredibly defensive. And I don’t know why that offended him so much… or I do… but I won’t get into that.

He just makes it so hard to talk to him. I don’t know if he even really knows that or registers the tones he gives us. But then I feel like he has to, since he doesn’t talk to our eldest sister like this. At all. I know if she were the one to make that comment, he wouldn’t act like that.

I’m so sick of the way this family treats me and my younger sister. We’re really the black sheep. And we’re in this weird stage where we were born 10+ years after all our older half-siblings, but we’re also like 10 years older than most of the nieces and nephews. I feel like we were just born at the worst time. We’re treated like we’re still kids, but also like we’re 30-year-olds, all at the same time. It’s isolating.

➳

Okay, that’s enough ranting. It’s getting soooo hot now. I have a love/hate relationship with summer. I’ve been daydreaming about going to the pool, but I don’t have any bathing suits and I’m definitely not confident enough to wear even a one-piece. I’m trying to work on that, though. I’m finally eating healthier and getting more exercise. I seem to always do that when summer comes around.

I made a batch of black bean burgers yesterday, and they’re sooo good, filling, and pretty healthy. It’s been kind of easy to slip back into my old dieting habits, but I’m trying to be at least a little healthier this time. Also, I’ve been craving bibimmyeon for years now whenever summer comes around, ever since I watched NCT Dream make it on that one variety show. It just looks so refreshing. I want to try getting it on Amazon, but the shipping…

Anyway, I need to hang this up in a bit since I desperately need to take a shower. That’s been harder lately, not gonna lie... but I guess the exercise and warmer weather help, since now I kind of have to shower every day just to get the muskiness off my skin.

I got a new hair oil too, but my sister said it’s caused some people to lose hair, which is the opposite of what I want… so I guess I’ll just stick with my tea tree shampoo and conditioner.

After the shower, I’m gonna make a nice drink. Maybe another frozen hot chocolate or a dalgona coffee, since I still have one packet left of the Korean instant coffee I got as a Christmas gift.