nothing.

[seasidefics]

yesterday morning and afternoon were good. i actually felt even happy. i went outside and basked in the sun, and i was hit with a sudden energy...something that feels like i haven't felt in years. is this what a normal person feels? energy to run around like a lil kid again? to have motivation to do something fun. but alas, it ended up a horrible day. it seems anytime i start to feel even a speck of happiness, something in the universe plans on not letting me have that. it makes me nervous to have good days now, just waiting for something to strike.

i keep privating and unprivating it as i am kinda trauma dumping, but my brother sold my dad's motorcycle. after lying to my face mere months ago that of course he wouldn’t do such a thing. and he didn't even have the nerve to tell me. i found out on accident, and i think the papers already went through. and it's to a family member of my nephew, so i really can’t push back on it. but it hurts. again, i have just been reminded that he has taken everything away from me. that this entire family just takes and takes and takes from me. and i'm not even expected anymore — i am told and demanded to just take it. because poor him, he had to take care of us when we lost my home.

i feel subhuman. i remember writing this in a really cringey vent post in 2020, but i wrote that i felt like a piece of old furniture in this family, and that still sticks. even more so this year. i am nothing.

i was having such a good day yesterday. it felt like progress. i finally felt like i was living. and the universe took that away from me, like always.