03/03/26 riyah’s random thoughts and ramblings of the day

[seasidefics]

planning on going to the clinic after bro gets off work, so probably around 4. sorry for being so anxious the other day because when i reread that, i want to tell myself to calm down. i'm most likely fine, but i already asked if my brother could take me, so i'm just going to use this as an opportunity to get the vaccine anyway because i might as well, yk.

oldest sister started talking to us again (she kinda went awol the past couple months... now i know why), but she said she was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that attacks her thyroid and makes it underactive. and it's not that surprising, as i was told that thyroid issues run on our mom’s side, but then with my luck it also occurs on my dad's side too...but overactive. i'm glad she got answers and is feeling better after starting treatment. she wants me and younger sis to get checked out, and i kinda want to, as i've been afraid i might have pcos because of my weight gain and hair loss... but i think i might fit hashimoto’s symptoms more, idk. or maybe it's the severe depression, (the most likely answer).

it's kinda embarrassing to admit, and i don't think i could tell anyone irl, but seeing this specific sister, or even just hearing from her, kinda motivates me to get my life together. idk why, but i compare myself to her so much, maybe because her kids are my exact age? and they're so ahead of me, so it's just mortifying. and she just kinda gives me hope that i can have a future like hers one day, as she's the most well-off in our family and has a nice little suburban life. i guess that's what i need to start living life — self comparison. and that i have to be the one to do it. the "tough love" and lecturing and beratement don't work(my families approach); they have the opposite effect.

it's just funny in such a sad and laughable way that the person who gives me the most hope that maybe life isn't that bad, and that I can make it to my 30s, is also the person who berated and dismissed me in the month before and after dad's passing. so even the positive emotions i feel toward her will always just be overshadowed by that once i let myself ruminate. i was telling younger sis that even when i'm in my 40s or 50s, i think i'll always think about it. even if i'm fully healed and moved on (i hope so), all of our siblings kind of severed a permanent tie with me during that time. i can't forgive it or forget it.

oh, i've finally gotten my sleeping schedule to be more normal, all thanks to scam callers lol. for some reason, the past 3 days without fail, around 9 o'clock i've been getting “scam likely” calls. i have my volume all the way up, so it makes me shoot out of bed because i think it's something important, and then i'm unable to go back to sleep. in return i've been going to bed earlier, like around 1 am, so it's kind of a good thing.

i should probably just put my phone on do not disturb, but i have bad luck, and the past couple of times i did that i missed important phone calls, so…