disappeared like a faint ghost [journal]

 

 do you know those off days? when you wake up and immediately feel wrong and out of place. when you’re on the brink of tears the whole day for absolutely no reason, no reason to be this upset. because that was my day today. 

it started as soon as i woke up around 10:00 am...going into the kitchen to make my morning coffee and maybe grab a light snack. i just felt sad and i mean that's not very unusual for me, but this feeling was just different. more intense. everything and anything was aggravating this emotion. going on twtiter, youtube, netflix, even here. all the platforms i use to get away and feel just a hint of happiness were now doing the exact opposite. 

anyway, i spent the entire day with this feeling and i couldn't put my finger on exactly what it was until at night.

 it's loneliness. i'm fucking lonely. 

and it’s not very difficult to imagine why. i pretty much ghosted everyone for the past year. online friends, old high school friends, neighborhood kids, even my own family. It’s been at least six months since the last time i talked to any of my older sisters and nieces—who i once talked to every week. 

i wish i could give a reason as to why i did that. but truly...i don’t know. i never even meant for it to happen. first, it just started with replying to a dm a day late but then pretty soon that stretched to a week and then to a month and now it’s been almost 4 months since i answered a single one. I guess apart of me is embarrassed...to reach out again after months of just being silent. but then if i never reach out...how am i supposed to continue a friendship with that person?

I just feel so stupid...because i was the one who withdrew and never texted back so why tf am i so upset i have no friends anymore. like dumb bitch it's your own doing !!

and i think not talking to anybody has badly affected me...probably the reason why my depression and social anxiety are through the roof. I mean, it just can’t be healthy to not talk to anybody for a year. like no wonder i feel so messed up.

i’m tired of feeling like this—of getting jealous when i see others interact on my tl, of getting jealous at friend groups in movies. it’s honestly pathetic.

but i don’t know how to change this. how do you un-withdraw yourself? do i just message friends, “hey sorry i completely ghosted you for half a year hahaha was just not doing good. anyways how are you? lol”. if i was on the receiving end i probably wouldn’t want to talk to that person anymore period. I would have already moved on and forgot about them. 

so now i feel like i have no choice but to continue being like this. to continue isolating myself and act like it’s not affecting me. 

i just feel stuck. 

and it’s pretty ironic that one of my favorite txt songs is “ghosting” bc i appear to be the queen at that. reading the lyrics...i can’t help but wonder if that’s how my friends felt. i hope not.

i  don’t really know where im going with this. i guess i wanted to let out my thoughts to someone. If anybody surprisingly stumbles upon this and reads it.