10/05/25 riyah’s random thoughts and ramblings of the day

[seasidefics]

 it's already october.. too bad it doesn't really feel that way with the weather and that i'm not a kid anymore so i don't get to experience the joy of the classroom being heavily decorated. i stumbled across this painting on reddit and wow. i think they said in the comments they're a millennial, so it's kinda before my time, yet it seems we've all had the same quintessential experience with the way teachers decorated for the holidays, since i was struck with the same nostalgia as ppl who were kids in the 80s from the comments. i wonder if classrooms are still decorated like that today?

which, speaking of art, my younger sis opened up commissions like a month ago and it's nice to see that she has online friends who buy from her every single time, even tho she kinda takes a while. i keep telling her all these ideas she should do since imo they'd do extremely well (ie webkinz and snoopy in hockey merch), but she doesn't really consider my opinion lol. which, whatever, i'm not her manager or something, even tho i think i'd actually do that well jk. but i guess i'm just really jealous since, like, if i was even half as good as her, i would've been selling art since it became a concept to me yk. and it just seems so fun to seamlessly turn this 20 min doodle into an actual work of art, to make all your visions come to life.

i guess writing is the same way, with letting your characters develop and become a thing of their own. but even that too.. she's kinda taken that title in the family. and it kinda hurts me, since she always shared her work on scmd since grade school, so everyone knows she has a talent for it and tells her she can be an author or whatever. meanwhile i've written since a young age too. actually, one of my fav activities with one of my childhood bff's was to make lil short horror stories and brochures outta construction paper when we were like 7-10. but nobody cares or knows that i think of maybe turning it into a full career one day too. i guess it's my fault, since i never share any of my writing as i hold it way too close to my chest, and 95% of it is fanfics, since i don't do poetry like my sister.

and then onto family... i'm feeling even more like an outcast ngl. i think i always shared that title with the sister above, so it didn’t hurt as much because we were just seen as like the same person. but with my dad passing, a couple of them reached out and my sister immediately jumped on getting to know them and responding. i just wasn’t in the mental state to do that at all. especially when they texted me only once the day it happened and i completely shut down for the first two weeks. i don’t even remember anything from that time. i wonder if i dissociated.

anyways, now she talks a lot to a cousin-in-law and it kinda hurts, because that cousin-in-law never reached out to me. she’s also talking to my oldest sister, but i still have beef with her. the last argument with my brother, she got involved and brought me up completely unprovoked. i wasn’t even in the argument to begin with, and she basically said “what has riyah done” when my younger sis was talking about how she’s tried for a future career. and that really hurt. it wasn’t even a full month since my dad passed.

they just love to compare and bring us up for everything. as i said, i wasn’t even in the argument and i didn’t say anything to make her upset. it wasn’t even meant for me to hear, since it was a text, but my lil sis showed me and i wish she hadn’t. i’m realizing that you can’t really be angry at someone gossiping when they had no intention of you knowing… if that makes sense. of course you can be angry and upset — and i still am, and i think i always will be — but it’s better not to know or go out of your way to search for it.

anyways, i think i’m starting to come to terms with the fact that the majority of the family i have left doesn’t like me at all, especially compared to my younger sis. because while she gets into a lot of arguments with them, since she stands up for herself and speaks her mind, i don’t really bother contacting them. so they’ve just… forgotten me and written me off. what really cemented this was that none of my older sisters wished me a happy birthday in july. they always did, even when i only responded with a quick thank you. and if they were late, they’d text a day or two after and apologize. but this time they never did.

i think it really hurt because it was my first birthday after my dad passed. it made me feel like they’re just done with me.

i think too that since i never really talk to them myself, all they hear about me comes from my brother, and he only says negative things. i know that early on, when we were living here, he’d sit right outside my bedroom window and just talk mad sht about me. he’d also do it on the living room couch when i was just a couple feet away in my room. i think he wanted me to hear, since he knows i just take it and won’t say anything.

and like, i know he was just talking about how “lazy” i am, since in all of their minds being productive is the only thing that makes you worthy and deserving of respect. so i guess that’s all they know about adult me — that i’m lazy and a “hermit,” as they all say. and they don’t want to be family with someone like that, i guess.

anyways, i think i've written them off too. it's okay to not have a family, or to make your own. i can’t stop thinking about a connor roy quote from succession: "the good thing about having a family that doesn't love you is you learn to live without it. you're all chasing after dad, saying, 'love me, please love me, i need love. i need attention.' you're needy love sponges. and i'm a plant that grows on rocks and lives off insects that die inside of me. if willa doesn't come back, that's fine. because i don't need love. it's like a superpower. and if she comes back and doesn't love me, that's okay too, 'cause i don't need it."

i love that quote so much and the entire show so much for that matter, but idk if i could ever watch it w the final season. that was one of the most realistic scenes i have ever seen portrayed of a familial death.. but that is why i could never watch it again, esp after it has happened to me.

i honestly wanna post that clip on my personal ig or make it a bio or something, but i am way too old to be passive-aggressively shading people like that. at the same time, if they get hurt… maybe they’d realize how they have affected me.

but i remember a couple months ago my younger sis vented on her personal acc, and one of the older sisters immediately called and just screamed at her to take it down. not even, "why did you post that, are you okay?" just demanding her to take it down. my family really is just image-focused. that's all they care about.

anyways, i need to stop wanting attention from them or for them to like see my… hurt? since it’s not cute anymore when you’re not like 13. and i need to heal healthily. at least i'm trying.

closing this off with something mundane and happier, since it seems whenever i start to write about my day i go on these long, venty tangents… sorry, but not really, since at least i'm letting it out.

i’ve been drinking a homemade banana milk every night the past couple days. is it healthy? idk, it’s literally just super ripe frozen bananas and milk, plus lots of cinnamon. but it keeps me full, so i don’t overeat in the middle of the night, which sadly has become a routine for me. and it’s good! it reminds me of "nice cream" that all the vegan YouTubers i used to follow would make. i still want to go vegan for at least two weeks. i’ve been wanting to do that since i turned like 11 and started watching freely the banana girl and she did irreverible damage to my mind lol. fun.

i think monday i'll make banana pancakes for breakfast, since that also brings me back to the old times of watching bethany mota. maybe i'll watch her videos tonight and copy her recipes. lol i know she was always known for her makeup looks, but that’s actually how i found her and were my favorite videos of hers..the vlogs and morning routines. god, i miss old youtube.

 

Comments

[adore]

As someone who is also in an Indian family, what other people think really is all they care about, way more than what you, their own flesh and blood thinks/feels. Sometimes it feels like they expect me to be a martyr, like I'm expected to take everybody's shit quietly and be the one that keeps the peace even if I'm miserable.

I have friends who love and care about me more than family ever will, but because we live with family and interact with them so regularly it's extra lonely being around people that don't care. About you or about hurting you. Lonelier than being alone, I think.

[seasidefics]

yes, that really describes the dynamic between us so well. my sister and i are always the ones told to ‘be the bigger person,’ not to stir up conflict, and basically just be a doormat because the breadwinner in the household is ‘stressed.’ it really is so horribly isolating, especially when they have no problem criticizing everything "wrong" about you, and yet don’t even pretend to reflect or change their own ways.

i sometimes think they care more about the title ‘family’ than being an actual family... it just feels so superficial and conditional. which family shouldn't be...

i’m really sorry that we seem to share such similar family problems 🫂 and i hope this doesn’t come off rude, but i’m actually not indian. most of my family are mexican and very tied to that side of themselves, so maybe that’s why our family dynamics feel so similar? i just didn’t want to accidentally mislead you.

edit:ah, i just realized my name might've been confusing, sorry. it's a shortened childhood nickname from mariah.