11/05/25 riyah’s random thoughts and ramblings of the day

[seasidefics]

. think i'm gonna start a rewatch of beef tonight so i can finally get into the character study fic that’s been a lil worm in my brain since 2023. like, i have the gist of the outline down, but i wanna freshen up on their personalities and dialogue to get their cadence right. and  i'm curious if how i view the characters will change. before, i was (and probably will still be)  a huge danny enthusiast , and he’s the main focus in the fic, but i think maybe my perception of amy will change. i'm not gonna watch the last ep with issac though, or i’ll try to just fast forward when his face pops up since i don’t wanna see the actor at all.

but i’m also kinda scared of rewatching, and maybe that’s why i keep putting it off. i’m afraid it’ll just open up everything for me and i’ll cry the entire time. i already cried a lot at the church scene back then — which, spoilers sorry, but i guess this whole post will be filled with them so back away if you plan on watching it — and that was when life was kinda okay. so i don’t wanna imagine the feeling i’ll have watching it now. but i kinda need to relive that again to get the fic out, and i really just wanna publish something this year. my last public fanfic was 2018...

i don’t know why i’m afraid of crying. like, i do/have cry(ied) a lot this year because of what happened, but i think i’m also just very numb and don’t cry enough. idk, i’m not making sense. i guess i’m afraid that by watching it i’ll just reopen my heart and feel everything too much, like i did in may.

honestly, writing all this makes me not wanna watch it, and maybe i should just stick to dumb, trashy reality tv so i don’t have to think. like, i just wanna not think about the present and my actual life so much that i’ve started watching keeping up with the kardashians clips...

onto more shows and media.. i started watching it: welcome to derry on halloween night with my sis, but idk, we lasted like 10 minutes before i shut it off since she just makes it completely awkward to watch together. and she’s the one who loves this franchise too, but lowkey the only reason i wanted to watch was because it takes place in maine. yes, that’s how bad my hyperfixation and obsession with moving to new england has gotten lol.

and i watched the long walk! or by “watched” i mean that i’ve seen every single reaction to it, so it feels like i basically have watched the entire thing, and i love pete! i love him! i love ray too, but pete is just too good. i'm not even mad at the ending either. i read that they changed it from the book? and also the tension between them... new otp? i loved all the characters in all of their flaws, even barkovitch and collie. i was even thinking of starting a ray/pete fic, but idk, i feel like everyone else has kinda already explored (okay, that sounds negative but it’s not what i mean) all the possible endings and "fix-its"... and i'm just not creative enough for that.

also went to costco last night. i think it was technically my second time, since once as a kid i snuck in with my bff's family because my dad would never ever get a membership. but my brother has one now since his ex works there, so!! perks! it was somehow fun but also kinda stressful since even though it was like 7pm and hella dark, there were so many people. it reminded me of nyc (not that i’ve gone), but like, everyone’s in a rush and has a destination in mind, like they know exactly where they’re going, if that makes sense. meanwhile, i’m just in everyone’s way and i felt like i was bothering people, idk.

but i got yummy stuff! i was trying to find the bcd tofu soup kit thing but my brother was also lowkey in a rush and didn’t wanna look around. i think it would be fun to just wander the store for like 3 hours... i’m remembering that was one of my favorite pastimes when i was in my very active ** era. oops. also i won’t even front, my feet kinda started hurting when we left and we were only in there walking for like an hour and a half? which is very embarrassing, and honestly motivation to up my step game and get back to doing 11k steps daily. ugh, i really just need to get back to the 2022–2023 version of me.

also brings me back to the long walk because how tf did those guys walk for five days straight with no stopping or just even slowing down? like, i know at some point you’d be on autopilot and maybe it would feel natural and hurt to not stop, but my god. the will to survive is so strong when you think about that movie... like harness walking on a broken ankle that was rubbing straight-up bone on asphalt for hours... god.

 anyways my life is so utterly boring that i got excited to the point my sister pointed out, "it’s nice to see you happy," just because we went to costco. lol. idk, i think it just gives me hope for the future, because it’s like, oh, i wanna do these things with my sister, and i just start maladaptive daydreaming and being delusional about us going on costco trips for our home. but then reality hits, and it makes me really depressed because it’s just the two of us...and life is suddenly actually not worth it.