11/08/25 riyah’s random thoughts and ramblings of the day

[seasidefics]

4:30 pm  as i’m starting this, i’m hungry and bored, and most of all, my gums hurt a ton. at first i thought it was my teeth and got kinda scared, but i quickly realized it’s the upper gums, like right above the teeth... which might actually be worse. i haven’t been to the dentist in over a year, since the last time i went i had to get a cavity filled and the injection hurt!! so much!! i used to be a serious candy-eating fiend as a kid and had many cavities, so it's not like I'm a stranger to it, but the shot never hurt before . like, yeah, it's a sharp pinch, but this needle was so much larger.. i got lightheaded just looking at it. it made me audibly gasp and say “ow,” and worst of all, as soon as i got home, the metal filling just came out?? ok, maybe my bad because i ate something kinda hard, i think a sandwich, but it had been 30 minutes, and i don’t think they’re supposed to just fall out like that. anyways, i never went back after that because i kinda hate that place, they always hurt me, and they’ve never called me back for yearly check-ups, so… yeah. anyways, i’m afraid i’ve messed up my teeth or gums, so i’m trying to take better care of them at home. i’ve been doing a salt water rinse the past two days, and it feels maybe a bit better.

also very bored because my sister’s been on a zoom call since 8 am. omg, i don’t know how she’s handling it.... i don’t think she’s gotten up for a break at all. usually i’d bother her or something, but i can’t today, and i also can’t really clean since it would be loud or i’d be in view of the camera. so i just feel… anxious. i think my brother’s mad at me about that, but i don’t know, there’s not much i can do. i hate that cleaning has kinda become my coping mechanism because of #them, when i know he’s in a bad mood.


 

and also, my brother made kimbap rolls, and i thought they were gonna be for all of us for dinner since he’s been on a kick lately, but i think it’s just for him and my nephew, since he put them into this plastic picnic bag. and i don’t know why, but it’s lowkey hurting my feelings. like, i don’t even really like it (sorry… i just don’t like seaweed no matter how much i try), but i think it’s because it feels like such a family(?), intimate kind of dinner prep? it’s not my culture, but it feels equivalent to when your parent cuts up fresh fruit for you, yk?  a way of saying “i love you” without actually saying it.

and i think i’m just reminded that i don’t have that anymore. and lately it feels like i see that everywhere i go, whether it be from seeing happy little families at my local grocery store or even Instagram stories from older sisters with their own kids..or even here..with my brother and nephew and it’s… hard. it makes me really depressed and bitter, and then i start falling deeper into this black hole of loathing and despair because i know i can’t vent about it. my older sisters would just take it at surface level and say, “well, of course he’s gonna make food for his son” or “he can do whatever he wants,” blah blah. like, yeah, i know that. i’m not saying he can’t. i’m just saying it makes me so sad that i don’t have that anymore.

i guess i just feel very excluded.

and i’ve had that bitter feeling so readily and bubbling under the surface of my heart since halloween. i did vent about it to a supportive reddit sub, so at least i didn’t embarrass myself on here, but yeah. i guess it’s just kinda reinforced the feeling/mindset i’ve been in the past week or two.

i wrote a bit yesterday, and it's kinda… weird(?). it wasn’t even really a story... it's  more like a manifestation?... a delusional little daydream piece about the future. basically a first-person diary entry of me living in a condo with my younger j, just the two of us doing our mundane routines, and then my older sister m coming to stay with us for a while.

and i think the reason i wrote it is because, deep down, i just crave family. my family. even though calling or titling them with that feels almost foreign and undeserving now. i think i have it in my head that if i ever had my own place, like if i actually owned a house or condo, I’d finally be treated like a real person in this sibling dynamic. because that’s honestly the only thing they seem to fckn care about. whenever i vent about my brother, all anyone talks abt is how he’s a homeowner. so i guess i’m holding onto this sad, delusional hope that if i somehow get my own place, they’d suddenly change and respect me. they probably wouldn't 

and the story i wrote ended up being a kind of role reversal. before things went totally bad between me and my sister m, i lived with her in wa for about two months, and it was nice. it reminded me of being a little kid with her again. so in this story, i flipped it, i’m the one taking her in, i’m the one "providing"... i think i just want to feel worthy. i want to believe we could have a more an even-ground relationship again. where I'm not  viewed and looked upon as the "burden"...

idk.  i’m not making sense and i sound crazy. but i think that’s just how sad my real life is right now… that my coping mechanism is writing stories about living somewhere that's mine and going on a simple shopping trip with my sister, because i don’t get that anymore.