seasidefics | the feeling of not wanting to let go, yet wanting to let them go, is also love

now that i had a night’s rest and got to let it sink in just a bit more, i wanted to share more thoughts and feelings because i feel like my original post was just so kneejerk and almost… a bit selfish? like, how does this affect poor me? when in reality, he has sacrificed 10 years of his youth, never once taking a break (i think it’s been clarified he’s only missed 2 activities in all his years of being active), in 3, sometimes 4, different units, and has just grinded and has been overworked for so long. and for once, he’s finally chosen himself.

there’s this korean tweet i saw that was auto-translated as, “what on earth for? faith? family? self-realization? i’ve been constantly thinking about things like that, but seeing your handwritten letter, it hits me that you were a kid who really needed a ton of time to think about yourself, and you never got even a single moment of that time, so now you’ve decided to finally take it,” and i think the last part is also the conclusion i have come to myself.

i saw another reddit user say they think he realized he loved music but didn’t like being an idol. and to think he was just a mere teenager (16 years old) when he first signed that contract, with sm still having those infamous 10-year contracts while everyone else is at 7… did the boy from the mickey mouse club days realize what he was singing up for?

i hope he uses this time to travel around the world without a camera crew and sasaengs following his every move, that he tries new hobbies and new foods, etc., and just gets to be a guy in his 20s. which is crazy to think about...that he has been relentless working for over a decade, and yet he is only 26 years old.

time like this just makes me take a step back and realize i selfishly take these guys and the moments they give us so ungratefully and unappreciatively, just always thinking they will be around...but that’s not the case. we all grow. change is good.

this took a lot of bravery to do, and as much as i’m feeling so gutted, i’m also proud. and it’s just a strange feeling in this sphere, when idols usually leave under murky circumstances and are never to be mentioned again by group members, but this is clearly so different and amicable on all fronts. never have i witnessed an idol get this much open love and support from members and people in the industry. and the dreamies’ letters… jisung's....since when did that boy grow up and write so eloquently like this? my title is actually a line from his letter.

i believe everyone has their own precious life, and ultimately, choosing their path and walking it is up to each person. it's the same for me. i think anyone who has a dream encounters moments where they have to walk quietly toward the direction they believe in.

at first, i was upset, but knowing that person—knowing all the hard work he put in—even though i couldn't express it much, i want to cheer on the path of the hyung i truly loved from afar.

nothing lasts forever, but just as the wish for something to be eternal is love, i think the feeling of not wanting to let go, yet wanting to let them go, is also love.

…

i am letting go of one of the most beloved moments in my life. i take pride in having spent ten years that were more special and precious than anyone else's.

i’m seeing fan accounts that haven’t been active since 2020, you know… like it’s kind of brought everyone together. i even wrote a little message to an ex-oomf on tumblr, but on anon because i’m anxious, and she responded—even though she, funnily enough, also moved on to hockey and hasn’t been into kpop for more than a year.

i thought of her because she, too, loved that poem or late-night scribble that mark wrote in 2021, which has lines something like, “a boy who grew up with sharks does not need to be taught to swim. it comes naturally to him.” and i have always, always wanted to just poke his mind and, if i had the opportunity, ask him about it. and he even kind of brought it back in the recent letter with, “with the members i boarded the same ship with, we’ve made the best voyage over the past ten-plus years. and as someone who has always loved going into the water, now that i’m saying i want to swim, these are the members who are cheering on my deep dive—with love, no less.” (cr to soompi for translation)

if he ever does become an author, i’ll gladly buy whatever it is. if he does end up busking on the streets, whether it be in canada, america, or korea, I hope i, by chance, run into him and get to witness him in his element just one last time.

it's been a wonderful ~~long ass ride~~ journey mark lee <3