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[seasidefics]

on a lighter note, i had my sister cut a bit of my hair in a fit of impulsivity last night... honestly, i’m not totally in love with it, as she tried to give me curtain bangs(?) but i got too nervous so i barely let her cut anything, and now my front pieces are obviously a little shorter but still too long to be classified as bangs, i think. she hardly cut much from the back as well, like maybe 2 inches, but it feels so much shorter (to me) and i feel self-conscious.

hope no one i see mentions anything because i do not like being perceived one bit!! i need to get over it and just use this as exposure therapy though, as i’ve been talking this big talk about getting a lob, and now that it’s upper-back length i’m getting stressed over it....

i just really need to chop it all off. my brother, not so subtly, was giving hints i should get a haircut last year (or at least to me, as he kept mentioning at least 5 times that his friend was a retired hairdresser and would cut my hair at a discount), but i’ve just grown so attached to this decade-long hair, that it was hard to take up the offer, especially when someone is lowkey pressuring me to do it. it makes me not want to.

 
also, i’m really thinking of dying my hair at home... currently extremely obsessed with miley’s hair in season 4 of hannah montana (like most people were/are), and like, it’s a full-on blowout with extensions, so it’ll obviously look different if i end up getting the lob/clavi cut, but i just love the color. i asked on a subreddit, and everyone said the base color seemed to be 7wg with lots of highlights and lowlights... but that seems too light to me?? i’m not the expert, though.

but i was talking about it with others, and they said my hair is darker than that, so i’d probably have to get it lifted, and i don’t want that.... so i might keep my natural color as the base and just do 5w as the lowlights??? idk idk... the most obvious best course of action is to get this done professionally at a salon, as the reddit users not so kindly pointed out, but that’s gonna cost so much, and i despise the salon because of the small talk.
 

the main goal is just to have warmth and look different, i guess. i’ll probably be seeing at least one sister this summer, so i just wanna be... ?? idk what i’m even looking for. just not my current/past self from the last 3 years. when this particular older sister last saw me in person, i was semi in a much better place (in a way) physically or more like appearance wise.

 

speaking of that... sister j is on a diet kick again and won’t stop talking about eating healthier, and it’s triggering for multiple reasons, but the main one is that she has to use inclusive phrases and say “we need to be eating better” or “don’t you think so?” and like, yes, i do, but it still hurts my feelings, and i just never talk like that.... she has a point though.

we eat so much red meat and processed food because it’s way cheaper, and i know it’s not good for heart health. i’ve been wanting to go on a mediterranean diet myself for years, but idk, it’s so hard living with family who share dinner together every single day... like i kinda have to eat what my brother makes or else he gets v angry about leftovers and bitches. and he loves pork, 80/20 ground beef, and sooo much oil and butter and just ugggg. he gets very mean when i buy ground turkey or tofu or even 90% lean ground beef because it has “no flavor”... argh.
 

tbh rn i’m just fibermaxxing because i scared myself reading studies and reports about people just a bit older than me getting colon cancer at rapid rates, and idk, i need to eat better. i’m eating way more sweet potatoes and plan on making oatmeal for my late-night meal, as that’s when i suddenly get so hungry :(

idk, i’m really kinda dreading all the sisters getting together for multiple reasons, but a smaller one is that everyone always seems to start talking about their bodies, and i’ve realized even in that regard i’m just the lone sheep, and it sucks that i have nothing in common with them. like older sister a is always saying, “girls in the (mother’s last name) family carry all their weight on their hips and we’re pears,” but uhh not me. i’ve been cursed with being an inverted triangle and have absolutely no hips, which is why the very recent discourse about sydney sweeney (if you’re chronically online like me) was lowkey very triggering lol. i’m shaped like a capital P and i hateeeeee it.

 

i think i look a lot more like my dad’s side, which is a bit funny since i did 23andMe because my dad got it as a christmas gift since he wanted to see our health results (which let’s not get into... i got the increased risk for the one i absolutely didn’t want), and i’m actually more similar to my mom’s genes, while sister j's top percentage matches closely to my dads. anyways, whenever we get together they’re always saying, “wow j, you look so much like mom,” and then it’s crickets for me,,, and i know it’s not necessarily a bad thing or said with ill intent, but i’m always compared to the men in the family and i hate it because it makes me feel so masculine and gross.