riyah

1. the placement
   this house is on the corner of the street, which means all the downstairs bedroom windows face out toward the road. everyone passing by can slightly see inside, and i’m constantly woken up at 3 a.m. by random people making all kind of noises outside. to make it worse, it’s right next to the sewer line, yayayay, so there’s always a problem with waterbugs. if you don’t know what those things are, look them up. they’re disgusting. if i see one, say, in the kitchen, i can’t even walk in there for at least two days.

2. no ac or fans
   there’s no ac or even ceiling fans in the downstairs bedrooms, so it gets so freaking hot. i can’t sleep lately because i’m just sweating all night. even a thin sheet feels like too much, but then with nothing on, i feel way too exposed. i bought cheap fans for my room to try to get some sleep, but you know what my brother does? he sees them in there and takes them out, like broooo... he'll probably  say it’s because of the “electricity bill” 🙄. but funny enough, he had no problem installing a ceiling fan for my nephew in his room.

3. living next to a school
   this one’s a mix of positives and negatives. at first, i thought, “oh, this will be nice, suburban, family-friendly vibes.” but nope. not friendly to walk around at all. and since the house sits right on the corner with only a short wall separating the yard from the sidewalk, kids and random people just step right over it. there have been at least five times when middle schoolers literally started fighting in our yard. i know i sound like a karen, but honestly, i don’t care. it’s annoying, and i hate that people can get access to the yard so easily.

4. the neighbors (or lack thereof)
   people aren’t neighborly at all. okay, i’ll admit i’m a hypocrite because i don’t exactly try to get to know them either… but they’re just so cold. and i’ve been living here for 6 years now, so at this point it would feel weird to suddenly try to talk to them.

long list of 6,439 things i want in my dream house

1. walkable!!
   i want to be able to walk around the block, or even run, if i ever do get into a cardio phase, and feel safe and secure. i don’t need a store just a block from me (actually, i wouldn’t like that), but i do want to be able to step outside and walk without worrying. of course, i probably always will as a woman, but you get my gist.

2. dogs!!!!
   i feel like i’m the only dog-ish person in my immediate family, which is always weird to think about because my older siblings hate people who set boundaries, yet they’re all obsessed with cats. i love cats too, don’t get me wrong, i’ve always had them growing up, but i also really like dogs, more than the rest of my family.

3. cherry wood .
   i genuinely don’t understand the obsession with all-white kitchens… it’s so ugly to me. (okay, that was mean, sorry.) but i just don’t vibe with it. i get that they’re supposed to look “wealthier,” but i don’t know, cherry wood just adds so much warmth and character. it reminds me of 2000s homes, and it’s my dream to recreate my childhood home, so cherry wood it is.

i also really like cherry wood floors, though… so i’m not sure how to have both without them clashing. and then there’s the question of what countertops would even work with that. but that’s a problem for future first-time house-owner riyah.

4. retro half-tile bathroom
   like i said, i really just want to recreate my childhood home, so one of the bathrooms has to have a retro-style half-tile wall. technically this is more of a 1950s thing, but it reminds me so much of my childhood and the media i grew up with that i still associate it with the 2000s. mine growing up was blue-ish, but this time i’m leaning toward pink. (i’m thinking of making the guest bath more minimal and modern.)

5. wine red dining room wall
   i don’t know why, but i’ve been obsessed with this idea. it just feels so luxurious, which is why i’d put it in the dining room instead of the living room, i still want the living room to feel more airy and carefree. i think just a pop of this color would look so good.

6. pocket door for the kitchen
   i know the current buzz is all about open layouts, and while i like that and want certain aspects of it, i still prefer a more closed-off kitchen. like i’ve said about 9,000 times, i grew up with one, so i want to continue that tradition. i’m a very private person, especially when it comes to food and cooking, and sometimes i just want to be alone, baking cookies in the middle of the afternoon. a pocket door would be perfect for that.

7. big yard
   at least 0.25 acres, though half an acre would be ideal. (guess what my childhood home was? lol.) i want to plant lots of trees, plums, kumquats, a blackberry bush, and grow plenty of produce. i’m so used to the socal climate that i’m not sure how tomatoes and peppers will do in new hampshire  the east coast, but we’ll figure something out. i don’t even want kids anymore, but still… we’re getting a huge yard, even if it’s just for two people.

i’m just so happy and feel electrified. also they are both so white girl wasted but esp quinn, spamming his insta stories the entire day and night, and i feel like again i’m living vicariously through him as i don’t drink but the feeling is the same!


    

(edit: ok i wrote all of this earlier in the day when i was still running on adrenaline from finding out we won but now all the clips of them partying it up with patel have surfaced…i am no longer feeling patriotic or proud...idk why i'm even surprised, or thought they might be different, when they've proved that they really are just rich white men at the end of the day (even if they are more progressive on other stances)...i kinda wanna delete the prev paragraphs as that's embarrassing...i only feel proud of the women's us team and alysa liu )

now onto txt content… the letters to each other. yeonjun’s to kai’s… that’s his bby! like actually i’m not even being parasocial and looking too much into things for once as yj said it himself!! me and him are never putting that grown ass man down.

and the tyunningism!! love that taehyun says he observes and studies kai like it’s national geographic bc same. i too look at all his mannerisms and catalogue them in my kai-obsessed brain.

original publish date: 1/02/26

(edit from future me: ok rereading this, i’m being so defensive from the start—sorry. i feel like that vid of xiaojun quickly standing up and defending, with all of his chest, why he likes mint choclate ice cream, and the rest of nct (aka not wayv members) are all like “i like that too…” “people can like that….” and he just deflates shyly when he realizes he doesn’t have to fight for his life. all that to say, i’m so defensive over this because of how my family has treated me over it, but i want to think others would be more understanding, especially gen z’s…)



debating whether to even do this because most of this stuff is very unrealistic (at least in my current pov w current mental state), and also i'm gonna be very upfront with how behind i am in life and just how behind i am compared to my peers. it's mortifying/embarrassing and i know that. i've been shamed for it ever since becoming an adult and, ultimately, it’s all my fault and doing...
 
also, on the topic of manifesting… i have such complicated feelings because i've been doing that since 2020 without even realizing that's what it was. and i guess i'm still doing it now, just through maladaptive daydreaming about a different version of myself and my life. it's been my coping mechanism since being in this living environment, and i'm aware it’s not healthy.

i think the other part is that i just don't believe in manifesting anymore, because that's all i did for my dad's health. and yes, reading that back is insane, and you could probably write a whole field study on how unhealthy my coping mechanisms are, but when his health declined in ’23, all i would do was make wishes at angel numbers (11:11) and wish for him to be okay. i would write “dad will be okay” 50 times in a row in my notebook whenever he wasn’t feeling well. yeah… that clearly didn’t fucking work. none of my prayers worked. nothing i did worked. so it’s like… i don’t believe in it anymore.

also, funny talking about manifestation, because for 2025 i actually listened to as you wish by wjsn right when the clock struck 12 so it could “set” my year. and was i ever so lucky?? so i didn’t even bother doing a song for this year. i think i was watching hockey videos when it became the new year… so whatever that means.

• get seen for severe social anxiety and agoraphobia (and possible avpd). basically just get the courage to call the place and be evaluated, even though i’ve put it off for years because of the exact problems that make me need to go in the first place… but i can’t ignore it anymore.

• get my license. this one is harder just logistically. maybe ask A for help privately, because without a license or a car to myself how am i even supposed to get to the dmv and practice?… i’m so scared, but i’m hoping it'll get easier once i start and maybe i'll even end up enjoying it. it’s hell relying on other people and ubers for everything, and ubers are a huge reason i never leave the house. i’ve had bad encounters, and i think it's part as to why i developed agoraphobia... i feel so helpless during the pickup, just waiting outside by myself with no “safe space” (car) to hide in when shit happens.

• get income again. self-explanatory, but i kinda need to do the steps above first so i actually have a way to get to work. do you see my problem? it’s hard to find work when you don’t have transportation, but it’s hard to get transportation when you don’t have money. and i don’t live in a walkable or good public transit city like MA or NY…

• 100% independent in all ways. like obvs financially and etc., but also emotionally. stop relying on others and holding myself back because of them. make myself my first priority for once in my life, because right now i’m really all i’ve got. i have no one to fall back on or for help. and no one can throw their help in my face during arguments and berate me for it, if I don't have it.

• save, save, save. will be so unrealistic to think i can move in a year, but i want to make it my mission to save as much as humanly possible so i could hopefully peace out by late 2027 at least.

• be a more confident person. kinda goes back to the first hope, but with a fake-it-till-you-make-it mindset. i guess kind of like manifestation... go into every scenario and situation thinking “i’m the best person for this,” etc., aka how lady gaga manifested her career.

• start doing nice things for myself. aka treat myself, buy things!! get a cute purse, get that iced coffee syrup, save for a concert. just… live. semi contradicts the saving want from above, but uhmmm ill figure something out

• new hair! cut it off and dye it (current fixation: black cherry or cool-toned cherry brown). i just need to do something with this decade-long hair that has no life..

• have style. just any style pls… (acubi, shabby chic, casual chic, etc.)

• get healthier, i.e. increase fiber intake and walk 10k steps 

• attempt at being vegetarian at least for one full week (no exceptions!). i’ve been wanting to do this since freelee banana girl scared me when i was like 11, and i almost did it last week because there was absolutely nothing in the fridge and pantry, but i ruined it by eating a chicken sausage

   
   

• publish one fic!! even if you have to do it on anon, like jesus christ 
  • danny cho character study
  • san jose yeonkai
  • beomkai rock band
  • txt 1d inspo
  • hughes vs hughes
  • sorority fic

• post drabbles or brain rots on here

• stop caring if it’s good or bad or who will like it. i’m not making any income off this, so just go at it. who cares if user cbgyufatass doesn’t like the characterization??

• oc fic
  • small town romance wip 

1. soup baby!! stumbled across this woman and her german shepherd and i am so endeared. i genuinely love soup baby to the point i got sad thinking abt him since he's a senior :( like it's just so sad to witness the hip dysplasia, and it's the main reason i'm on the fence about adopting a gsd. anyways, happy post! i love him, and the whole family unit is so cute. it's just so nice to see how loved and spoiled he is as a senior baby. i saw a nasty and heartless comment that she pinned, like “why would u invest into something that is gonna die” (my brother said something v similar abt my senior sick cat… pretty much verbatim), and she responded in such an eloquent way. honestly such a beautiful mindset to live with and to view the world through.

2. also dogs! this youtube channel that cooks dog-safe gourmet food. loved her thanksgiving ep, and i'm wondering if i can do similar things with cats? she has a book out and i'm tempted to buy it even tho i don't have a puppy (yet).

3. baby txt. started watching pre-debut content since i'm finally trying to get the san jose yeonkai fic done and oh my god i love those kids. i love them… kai was so different back then in personality. 

4. hockey yaoi making it mainstream with heated rivalries… haven't watched yet, but i might. i just need to do it in the middle of the night so no one barges into my room bc that's awkward. although ngl i'm already slightly annoyed bc there's gonna be so many new (tiktok throwing up emoji) fans… and i'm a gatekeeper at heart.

5. had authentic la street tacos… it's been way too long. we've mostly been eating asian food these last two yrs since it's something my sister and brother both enjoy and have in common, but omg was i missing carne asada and lengua.

a late-night run to the local grocery store.

i watched a young father babble to his daughter, pointing out apples and pears, sounding out the names slowly for her.

behind us in the checkout line, a tired college student shifted her weight with a sigh, clutching only a simple notebook while waiting behind our full cart.

in the soup aisle, a teenager and his mom spoke in their shared language, eyes crinkling with a small, private smile.

and in the cereal aisle, an older man in a face mask reached for a box of breakfast porridge, his movements so practiced it was clear he had done this same small ritual for decades.